Not How I Planned

Is this thing on?

2011-02-05T16:53:00.001-08:00

Well, it's been a while, my friends! To say we've been busy is an understatement. I am going to be a better blogger from now on, but here are a few tidbits about what is going on :

I have a happy, healthy SEVEN month old! I simply cannot believe it.

I returned to work and am now trying hard to find that delicate balance ...

I am once again battling the bulge. I did not put on much pregnancy weight due to my HG, but I sure had fun packing on the pounds after D got here!

Well, that is all for tonight. I am exhausted and have a little man that is quite the early riser.

Will post soon!

The Juggling Act...

2010-08-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I got my first taste today of what it is like to be a working mom. I had to go into work today to do some curriculum writing with my colleagues. At first I was dreading going, more so because I am absolutely exhausted, and was not quite sure how I was going to function.

What I hated:

D was still sleeping when I left. As he was precariously sleeping on R on the glider in the nursery, I only gave him a light kiss on the head. Seeing my two boys sitting there tugged at the old heart strings and made me want to say "screw it" and stay home with my new little family. I hate that I was not there when he got up. I hate that I did not get to play with him at all in the morning.

I felt really guilty leaving R "on duty" for most of the day. That sounds so silly as R is more than capable and willing and is such a great dad... but I could not shake the guilt. Now, when R goes back to school in September, I will be on duty all the time until I go back in October... but , I don't know... this just made me feel guilty for some reason.

Being away from my boy all day. It was so weird. This little creature only really came into my life a mere 4 weeks ago... but, it is hard to remember a time when he was not here and the center of the universe!

R went to MIL's house to catch a nap, which was good as it gave MIL some alone time with D. They were there when I was leaving work, so MIL encouraged me to go home and rest for a bit. I did go home rather than stop by there, just so that I could get things prepared for the night and do the little work I needed to do for tomorrow ( Ihave to go to work again). I HATED how quiet the house was! When D and R finally came home, I was waiting at the door like a puppy!

What I loved:

Honestly, getting out of the house. I am not going to lie, being tied to the house for so many hours a day can get a bit maddening. Our Pedi is pretty old school and does not want D in public places until he has had his month shots, so that really limits our outings Also, with poor D's tummy troubles affecting his temperament , I am not really confident enough yet to venture far anyway.

Thinking about something other than baby "stuff". I really love my job. I love teaching. We have taken on an initiative where we are really overhauling the curriculum, and it felt great to take on a different type of challenge today . I love my co- workers and it was great to see them.

Feeling confident. I will readily admit that when it comes to D and being a mom, most moments I don't know what the Hell I am doing. It is all a series of trial and error. Sure, some things have gotten easier, but I am 36 years old and pretty established in my life. I am not used to feeling so lost. It has been quite the humbling experience to admit that I am completely clueless and that I have so much to learn. It was nice to be in a place where I felt like I "knew what I was doing."

But, the getting to work today was quite the juggling act. I can only imagine how hard it is going to be when both R and I are back to work. But emotionally, it was really a juggling act. How do you do it all? How do you have a career and still be a great mom? I was exhausted by the time the evening rolled around. I do not want to be "that parent" who has no energy for her kid at the end of the day... so how will I do it? How will I maintain balance? How will I get my schoolwork done in the evening as I always have take home work? How will R and I find time together? How will I carve out a few moments for myself?

I don't know... I don't know if there are even any answers to these questions. I also suspect I am not the only one asking them. How do you keep all of the balls in the air?, so to speak...

sigh...

Underestimating

2010-08-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I think underestimating is probably my new favorite word. Or, at the very least , it is what I have been doing the most of over the course of the last few weeks.

I am not sure if every new mom feels this way, or that after suffering from years of infertility, I romanticized the idea of pregnancy and motherhood so much, that when things got bumpy, I was wholly unprepared. I felt this way when saddled with hyperemesis. I am feeling this way now as I am finding my way as a new mom.

When D first came home from the hospital, he was a happy, sleepy boy ( as I suspect most newborns are). We were home for exactly 5 days until all hell broke loose. It was a Friday ( which we still refer to as "that Friday" as we shudder in remembrance) We had been at MIL's house. We got home, D woke up in his car seat. It was 7:00. He started crying , nope scratch that, he started SCREAMING, and he did not stop until 2:30 Saturday morning. We tried everything. EVERYTHING. This type of screaming went on for the next several days. Even though my baby was a mere week old, I knew these were screams of pain. In that moment I also knew that I had completely underestimated just how hard motherhood really is. He would cry and I would cry. To see my boy in pain brought me the worst pain I have ever known. By Tuesday, we were off to the pediatrician. We added Mylicon, reflux meds, and made a switch to soy. These changes seem to be helping a bit, but now D is constipated, so I fear another switch may be in the future. I long so very much to just make things right and comfortable for him. I suspect this is the first of many times that I will wish that I could take on his pain for him.

I am no stranger to having "extra" hormones running through my body. I have shot up with so much "stuff" over the years that I thought I would be able to better handle the post-partum hormonal phase. Truth be told, as I battled some depression during my pregnancy ( due to being so sick) I was a little nervous about PPD, but again, I completely underestimated the range of emotions I would feel. After about three days, I started to get a bit weepy, but what I did not expect was the gripping anxiety I would feel. Now, I am a worrier by nature, I am anal, I am a planner and admittedly I get uptight when things do not go according to plan. However, I have never been an anxious person, and oh my, I became riddled with it. I think I went over a week and a half with out ever really sleeping. I could not eat, I could not sit still, being in the house and hearing D cry made me anxious, leaving for a little while made me even more so. There were points when I truly felt as if a 100 pound weight was sitting on my chest; I simply could not breathe. I am still terribly anxious, but it is not nearly as severe as it had been. To say I felt like I had been blind-sided is a huge understatement.

This next thought may seem awful, but did not expect to have fleeting moments of missing my old life. Infertility, and the pain associated with it aside, R and I have led a pretty charmed life. We are pretty financially stable, we are both teachers used to having our summers off where we would vacation, float around the pool and have cocktails pool-side when we felt like it. There were many lazy summer afternoon naps in the shade, dinners out, and if I had the urge to treat myself to a pedicure, well... I just went and got one. Now, don't get me wrong. I would not trade motherhood for anything in the world. NEVER. I just did not expect to even momentarily feel like I was missing out. Come to find out, in many conversations with friends, pretty much everyone has had those moments of "what the hell did we do to our life?" It just seems that no one ever talks about it. Well, I am talking about it and it makes me feel guilty as hell, but it is the truth.

My final underestimation is love. And using the word love in itself is an underestimation. We all love our children- that I was prepared for. But what I feel for D when I peer over him as he peacefully sleeps in his crib, or when he looks up at my face while I am feeding him, or I pick him up and he turns his head to the sound of my voice- love is just a fraction of what I feel. When I see my husband rock , sing, and read to our boy, what I feel towards my husband and our new family- love does not even begin to cut it. I did not expect to feel such powerful, all encompassing emotions. My two men- one big and one very small truly mean everything to me.

Welcome to the World, Daniel Patrick!

2010-07-29T23:19:00.001-07:00

It has been a little over three weeks, so I thought I would finally post the little man's birth story! :)

On Wednesday, July 7th, we arrived at the hospital at around 9:00. We checked in, I got changed and hooked up to the IV and the monitors- it was always a relief to hear the baby's heart beating away. R and I just kind of hung out and watched a little TV and it was such a weird feeling as we both knew these were our last moments together as just the two of us and it was my last few moments of having my little guy all to myself - without having to share him with the world. As rough as my pregnancy was, and as happy as I was to meet my man, it was very bittersweet.

The anesthesiologist came in to explain the spinal block they would give me, and how it would affect me, etc. Around 10:30, my doctor came in to see me. Rick changed into his scrubs and we were getting ready to go!

They wheeled me into the OR- I have had surgery plenty of times, but for some reason, this seemed so completely overwhelming. They set me up and gave me the spinal block- it pinched going in, but was not really a very big deal. Then, of course, just one last time... I puked! It actually made me laugh... I seriously was sick right up to the bitter end!

I felt myself start to go numb, that was actually a bit surreal. They then allowed R in and he came and sat by me and held my hand. I knew the procedure started as I could feel pressure and tugging, but I felt no pain. That was also a bit wild.

Finally I heard my doctor say, " I see an ear!" and then I heard the most beautiful sound ... my sweet boy's cries. They held him up for me to see and R and I both just started to cry. Then, every single person in the room commented on how big my boy was... it was hysterical! R went over with them as they weighed and cleaned the baby and I must have asked him a million times if the baby was okay. And he was... he is absolutely perfect.

At exactly 11:19 am on Wednesday, July 7th, 9lbs and 8 ounces of joy forever changed the way I will look at this world. I am a mother, R is a father. We are a family of three. I have all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..

2010-07-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

41w1d

A little over 4 years ago, my husband and I decided to start a family. We approached, I think like most couples, with nervous excitement and anticipation. We had the name conversations, wondered who are future child would look like, figured out what the due date would be each month that we tried....

In our minds, it was a new beginning. We were ready to leave behind our carefree days and start the family both of us have always wanted. We had finally found each other, we were blissfully in love... it was time.

It sounds like such a cliche, but if I only knew then what I would learn about life, about my faith, about my marriage, and myself.

The months of anticipation and excitement soon turned into months filled with angst, and worry, and sheer frustration. R and I were never much for fighting, but when the stress of not getting pregnant month after month really hit, we were at each other's throats.

After much discussion, and us finally being on the same page, we sought the help of a fertility specialist, and found a renewed sense of hope and once again felt that nervous anticipation and excitement.

It sounds like such a cliche, but if I only knew then what I would learn about life, about my faith, about my marriage, and myself.

Over the course of the next 2 1/2 years, I swallowed countless pills. I saw the look of sheer terror and sadness on my husband's face as he stuck me with more needles than I can even count at this point. I 've seen such protective sadness on his face after countless failed procedures. I've seen almost child-like sheer joy on his face when I told him he was going to be a father- only to have that look turn to horror when two weeks later, in the middle of the night, they wheeled me away from him as I was rushed into emergency surgery for my ectopic. Two weeks later, I saw fear and defeat on his face as , after we lost the 2nd baby, they wheeled me away from him for my D&C.

I, myself, have questioned my God and my faith. I questioned my strength. In some ways I questioned my marriage as I would often wonder, if R married someone else, would he be a dad right now? I've looked in the mirror at my own face and wondered who is this person who looks so tired and worn out and sad? What happened? How did something so joyous, like starting a family, turn into such heartache? Did I even ever know it was possible to cry so many tears?

So, here I sit, over 4 years later... and in a few short hours , I will leave for the hospital, but this time for a different reason. I am going to meet my son. These past 4 years have taught me so very much. I really know what true love is. R and I have such a bond, such a special type of closeness, that only such tragedy can forge. I suspect that later on today, I am going to learn a new, very special type of love.

I know the days, and the months, and the years ahead will present their own type of new challenges. But I now know how strong we both are-individually and as a unit. And I know for sure, I have a deeper faith than I thought possible.

I am scared as I sit and write this. I pray that all goes well and we have a healthy baby. I pray that I make it through delivery okay. I feel a tinge of sadness to know that the secret language of kicks and pokes will be no more. But mostly, I feel amazed that today, there is an end and a beginning. Hopefully an end to the years of waiting and sadness and a new beginning as we start our life as a family of three.

I am not sure of the name of the emotion I will see on R's face today as the doctor hands us our son, but I can tell you that I can't wait to see it. Because in that moment, I will know that every needle stick, every tear, every doubt, every crushing blow, every fear, every doctor visit, every moment of longing.... it will all have been worth it as today, two things I have wanted so very badly will happen: I will make my beautiful, sweet husband a father, and I will be a mom.

Almost 37 weeks and a nursery update!

2010-06-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

36w6d

Went to the doctor today. My little guy is in the right postition, but I have made no progress yet. And, he apparently is HUGE, which is kinda funny since I have barely been able to eat this pregnant!

We have made some nice progress on the nursery. I still need to order wall letter for over the crib and am waiting for my curtain panels to come in.

Here are some pics!

29w5d - Shower day! :)

2010-04-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

I was a bit of a blog slacker this week. It was a busy week at school and the exhaustion is really starting to set in, big time! I have had to take a nap every day when I got home from school. It hasn't even felt like: "oh... I think I'll lay down." It has been like: "If I don't lay down, I am going to die!" I know part of it is getting bigger and further along in my pregnancy and part of it is the anemia, so I am just trying as best as I can to listen to my body when I feel like that. I have also found that when I let myself get over-tired, the nausea is even worse. Like last night- last night was not a good night at all. I was up all night :(

But, onto happy things.... I took this pic on Tuesday, at 29 weeks, but I did not have a chance to post, so here goes- the ever growing belly!

And onto even happier things... today is my shower! :) I still am in awe that I am going to walk into my shower today and people will be there for my little guy! I swear, sometimes I will be at work and I will look down, or I will walk past a mirror and catch a glimpse of my belly, and I still can't believe that this is real. For so many years, I hoped and prayed for the miracle of carrying a child and I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. I honestly could sit here and cry when I think about it... woops, and now I am! I have a feeling that there will be a few break- downs today! I will say, the one thing that will be missing today is my mom. She would be just SO thrilled to be celebrating our little guy. I miss her everyday, but as I get closer to having the baby, and on special days like today, the sadness is just so close to the surface. I know she is here- but I would give anything for her to be there to give me a hug and say congratulations.

So, it is bound to be an emotional day... but an absolutely beautiful one as well. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

The nursery- kinda! ;)

2010-04-11T16:24:00.001-07:00

Well... we've made some progress! The nursery is officially cleaned out! (save for the box with the stroller and some other small items!) We have spent WEEKS trying to get this house in shape and really purge all of the stuff we do not need. R and I both came to this marriage each having had out own places and we really never properly purged before combining. Well, we've taken care of that! We are having a huge multi-family yard sale in 2 weeks, so hopefully not only will our house be less cluttered, we will have some extra spending money! Yeah, right, I am starting to realize with a baby on the way, there is no such thing as extra money!

So, for the nursery. The first pic is not a great one, I'll have to take another in the daylight as my purpose in this pic was to capture the color. It is a blue ( obviously), but not a baby blue, which I really liked. It is called spa... maybe that color alone will help the baby sleep through the night? ;)

The second pic is of the valance that matches our bedding. It is just kind of "stuck up there" at the moment; I just wanted to see how it looked with the paint. I love the pattern... the trains and the animals are so cute! R painted the crown molding, so that is set to go up next weekend. Our furniture is going to be delivered on Tuesday, so it is finally starting to come together. My shower is next weekend, and we really wanted to have the room almost done so we could at least put things away as we get them.

I am pretty excited! Still seems a bit surreal at times. And there is a huge part of me that hopes that we are not jinxing ourselves by finishing the nursery. But, you can't live in fear, right?

28 weeks!

2010-04-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Woo-hoo! 28 weeks! :)

I actually had an OB appointment today. First, the good news: we heard the little guy's heartbeat- which is always awesome! :) I have put on some weight, so that is good news as well!

Now, for the not so great: We got the results from our 1 hour glucose test and it turns out my sugar is actually low. Additionally, my iron and vitamin D are really low. This explains why I am completely EXHAUSTED. My Dr. said unfortunately, that is only going to get worse as the baby is going to keep taking from me. Ideally, I would need to take iron pills, but given my situation, we all know there is no way I am going to keep those down. :( I will try to experiment with some foods this weekend to see if there is anyway I can supplement.

I know this is not the worst news, but I just feel sad that I can't eat the way my body and baby need me to. I just want us both to be healthy!

Obviously, I have included a pic... I am happy that I am starting to get big! I even had a stranger comment on it today! :)

Well, Hello Third Trimester! :)

2010-03-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

26w6d

Today I am officially in the third trimester! This is just such a huge milestone for us. To think back to the beta hell we were in for awhile with this pregnancy, the bleeding scare, the uncertainty of our first ultrasounds. I just can't believe I am finally here! I am happy that I am really starting to look pregnant! I actually made our first clothes purchase today. Up until this point, I was just too scared or feeling superstitious. I feel like I can relax a little.

The baby is very active lately. R finally felt him kick and I was able to see on of his little pokes the other day. I think that feeling is just so incredible. It is amazing how much you can love someone that you have never even met.

Hyperemesis gravidarum

2010-03-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

Well, today I am 26w5d pregnant, and I figured it was time for an update about how this pregnancy has really been going. Time to fess up as to why I have been such a blog slacker during such an important time.

Back in December, I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum. This is basically "morning" sickness that is beyond control. I truly use the term "morning" VERY loosely. Every second of every day is truly more accurate. I am going to share my story, but I am going to include this link that is an amazing resource. If you think you may suffer from this in your own pregnancy, or you have a friend or a loved one who may be suffering ( or you are just curious), I urge you to check this out:

WWW.helpher.org.

I also really want to be sensitive to any readers are are still TTTC. Many of you know that my journey to pregnancy was not an easy one, and as it turns out, my pregnancy has followed suit. I am going to share some really honest thoughts here about my pregnancy, and for those of you still struggling, despite the fact that you know I struggled, too- this may be hard for you to read. I know when I was in the trenches, under NO circumstances did I want to hear anyone complaining about her pregnancy. I would never want to cause any of you any additional pain and sadness....

So, here goes...

At about 6 and a half weeks, the queasiness really set in. Now, during this time, I was still in limbo as my u/s showed "something" , but given my history, no one was ready to call this a viable pregnancy yet. The only thing that was encouraging me was the fact that I felt like crap (I have to laugh, in hindsight... If I knew what was to come... I would have thought that I felt great.) At 7w 5d, I had a bleeding scare- it was a Sunday, I called the RE, and he said to come in the next day. At 7w6d, I got out of bed, sad about what I thought was ahead ( an u/s to confirm yet another m/c) and I made my way to the shower. Somewhere between the bedroom and bathroom, I felt like a truck had hit me. No sooner did I get to the bathroom, did I start throwing up- uncontrollably. I had to wake up R to help me to get ready to go to work. I was going in for a half day before my u/s. The short version of this is that I started throwing up that day... and NEVER stopped.

I made it through 4 days of work that week, and wound up having to take Friday off and Monday of the following week. While attempting to go to work, I threw up before work, on the way to work ( yes, I drove with a plastic bag on my lap), at work ( as a teacher, this was awful as mid-sentence, I would simply have to run out of the room). While at home, it honestly got to the point that it was just easier to curl up on the bathroom floor than to go back to bed. I knew it was usually a matter of a 15-30 minute time span before I would be back again anyway. Nothing helped, crackers, sea bands, ginger, ginger-ale, preggie pops, you name it, I tried it. I wound up missing Thanksgiving, and my OB put me on Zofran, an anti nausea drug. At first, the Zofran helped in the sense that I was not throwing up as much. The constant nausea was still there, but I was throwing up less. I was still trying to tell myself "at least you are pregnant, this is awful right now, but at least you are pregnant". I even went as far as to prop my tiny little u/s picture on the back to the toilet to remind myself that this was all worth it.

After about a week and a half, the Zofran started to lose its effectiveness and I was pretty much back to constantly throwing up, missing work, and feeling ( and this is not even me being dramatic) like I was going to die.

On December 14th, I went to work, but got so violently ill, I had to leave. I went home and for the next 24 hours, I literally threw up every 15 minutes. I could not even keep sips of gingerale down. By about 1:00 the next day, after such violent illness that I was pretty sure I had pulled some muscles in my side from retching, I called R at work and told him to come home- that I needed to get to the hospital. We called my OB, she said to get to the ER immediately, and off we went.

2 bags of anti-nausea meds , 4 bags of IV fluids ,and about 4 hours later... I was still no better off. I remember looking down at myself while laying there thinking how awful I looked. My skin was sallow with no elasticity and I was skin and bones- thanks to all of this I had officially lost 15 pounds. I remember starting to cry and feeling like I was never going to stop. They had me try to drink some gingerale, and when I still could not keep that down, they admitted me. At 12 weeks, I was already going to spend a night on the L&D floor.

They hydrated the heck out of me all night and the next day when my Dr. came to see me, I was officially diagnosed with Hyperemesis. She explained to me that there were things we could try to try to get me some relief and to keep me from constantly dehydrating. So, what wound up happening is I was put on a Zofran pump, that constantly pumped me full of anti-nausea meds. It was like a fanny pack I wore that either went into my leg or belly ( I had to change the infusion site each night- thanks to infertility, at least we were already used to sticking me with needles) and I spent the next 10 days on IV therapy at home- yes, I had an authentic IV pole in my bedroom.

Beyond not being able to eat or drink, oh and the constant puking, HG has some other fun side effects. I could not even really watch TV. The flashing of the lights on the TV would instantly induce nausea. To this day, I still have have to watch TV with all of the lights on or the contrast of darkness and flashing lights will have me running to the bathroom. I could barely get on the computer for more than a few minutes ( same concept) and I could not read. I laid in bed in a dark cocoon of misery. I missed Christmas, I missed everything, I was missing out on a pregnancy that I worked my ass off to achieve.

So, allow me to describe my emotions during this time. I felt robbed, I felt cheated, I felt guilty that I was harming my baby-I was downright depressed. For days on end, I would lay in bed, stare at the celling and think the unthinkable- that I wished I had never gotten pregnant. Yes, I will admit it- a woman who it took 3 1/2 years to conceive , countless procedures, and pure and genuine heartbreak- I wished that I had never gotten pregnant. I felt so guilty as I had not eaten, taken a pre-natal vitamin, done anything that I knew my baby needed me to do- I felt like a big fat failure. I simply cannot describe to you what it feels like to have such debilitating illness- to not be able to get out of bed- to constantly live in a state of nausea and vomiting, to have n0 contact with the outside world- during the holidays- after all I have been through- these were the absolute darkest days of my life. And I would spend my days beating myself up for feeling that way when I finally had the little miracle that I had prayed so hard for.

So... I went back to work in January after break- me and my big pump. I struggled through each day and fell into bed at about 6:00 each night. I still could barely eat- but I was doing it. Somewhere around 19 weeks, the weaned me off the pump and started me on oral anti-nausea meds again, and we hoped for the best.

So, now I have almost completed my 26th week, and while I have to say that I am in a MUCH better place than I was in December and January, this is all still very hard. I still get sick, I still have a very limited diet- I have about 5 things that I can eat and about 2 things I can drink that I can usually keep down. I have started to gain a little of my weight back and I finally look pregnant- but I still get sick. I still have days where I feel like I have been run over by a train, I can't ever make plans because I truly never know how I am going to feel when I get out of bed each day. I do have more good days- but make no mistake- a good day means that I did not puke- the constant nausea is always present. I am limited in my wardrobe, anything around my neck- instant sickness. Anything tight at the top of my ribcage ( this makes wearing a bra a challenge)- instant nausea. Anything tight on my belly- instant nausea. I now have terrible acid reflux- so when I do vomit, it is like vomiting fire. Unfortunately, this is going to be my fate until the day I deliver. And some days- I still get really pissed. I hear of women who loved being pregnant, who look great, who glow, who got that 2nd trimester burst of energy, who got to go on babymoons - and I feel angry and robbed. Getting pregnant was so damn ridiculously hard- I can't help but feel I should have been given a free pass on this. I know that some of this probably makes me seem so awful- but I am just being honest. I really do urge you to check out the above site as it will truly give you some insight into what it is like living with this condition.

But, despite all this... the little embryo that could... has grown into my beautiful little boy. And despite how hard this all has been... just typing those words... "my little boy", is enough to bring tears to my eyes. He is doing okay. He is measuring on track and all appears to be well- despite the fact that I feel like I have been the worst mother so far. But, he reassures me with his little pokes and his little kicks. So, as I crawl into bed each night, exhausted from just getting through the day, I love to lay there and feel him squirm around. He reminds me that all of this will have been worth it, and come June... my life will finally be complete.

It's been awhile...

2010-02-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

So, I have been a blog slacker.... in a big way. I have had good reason... but I will save that for another post.

But, for today.... I am 21w1d pregnant and we are expecting a little boy! :) We had our 20 w u/s last week and the baby looks great!

We feel overjoyed, blessed and constantly wonder how we got so lucky. It has been quite a ride.

Great appointment!

2009-12-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

We were able to see out little bean just dancing around. My Dr. joked that he/she must have known we were watching. The Bean was actually kicking his/her legs straight up and down... it was hysterical.

I was really able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Pinch me.... is this for real?

First OB appointment today.

2009-12-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

And I am petrified. You would think that with how sick I have been, I would feel reassured that there is a healthy baby in there, but , I don't know. It is just so hard to believe that we are going to be the lucky ones this time. I am just so afraid that we are going to get there and it will be more bad news and heartache.

I hope at some point I will feel less guarded and I can relax and enjoy this pregnancy.

A lot to be thankful for...

2009-11-27T14:45:00.000-08:00

I have been so miserable with my "all day" morning sickness, that I don't feel like I have been as grateful as I should be for this little bean growing in my belly. Due to said sickness, I missed Thanksgiving yesterday and I spent it on the couch. But, even though I was not feeling well, I got teary-eyed thinking how lucky I am.

We have a 10 week appointment with my OB ( first one with the OB!) this coming Thursday. I can't wait to see our bean again. I just pray that everything is okay. I am actually really nervous.

In other news, I started Zofran for the sickness. In many ways, it has helped tremendously. I was warned that it causes extreme constipation. Well... my body has clearly always been a freak... so I have, um, the opposite problem.

I guess one way or another... I am destined to spend a great deal of this pregnancy in my bathroom! LOL!

Feeling guilty...

2009-11-22T05:14:00.000-08:00

I feel so blessed that we have made it this far in this pregnancy. Particularly with our weird betas and the bleeding scare of last weekend. I still can't believe this is my life.

But, I am sick. Really sick. I never deluded myself into thinking that just because I suffered from IF that I would not hate feeling sick, but now that it is happening, I feel guilty. On the one hand, I am really glad that I feel something... it is reassuring.

But, I have rotated between the couch, the bathroom, and my bed... since Thursday night. I could not stop throwing up long enough to get my act together to go to work on Friday.

Last night, I was so violently ill, I seriously think that I pulled a muscle getting sick.

Nothing helps and I can't keep anything down. I keep obsessing over dehydrating and the massive headache I have tells me that I am on my way.

I feel like the only thing I should feel is joy... and I do... but I feel so guilty that I feel so miserable.

Disbelief....

2009-11-16T16:07:00.001-08:00

We went for our u/s today...

and we have a beautiful little bean that is measuring perfectly. We were able to see and hear the heartbeat... that was so amazing.

I am still scared to death... and know we have a long road ahead of us....

but for now...

I am pregnant. :)

Spotting

2009-11-15T12:55:00.001-08:00

Ugh. What a day. I started spotting this morning. At first bright red and then brownish. I called the RE and he said that this is not much they can do. He said to take it easy today and to come in tomorrow if I am still spotting. I am also cramping pretty badly.

I am so pissed at myself for even having the tiniest bit of hope. When we saw the sac last u/s, I really was starting to think we had a chance- despite our screwy #s.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure how this is going to end- with more heartache.

Oy.

2009-11-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

I am honestly a bit of a wreck. I usually handle myself better in stressful situations, but it has become increasingly obvious to me how much I want THIS pregnancy.

I am so, so scared that we are going to once again walk out of that u/s room on Tuesday, completely devastated and wondering what the heck to do next. I am not sure how I will begin to handle it.

I do have to say, I have been plagued by daily nausea. My ride to work each day has happened with a plastic "just in case bag" on my lap.

With my luck, this is not morning sickness, but the damn flu.

I had to walk to school, uphill both ways, in the snow... with NO shoes.

2009-11-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

I swear.... I feel like that is what TTC is like for those of us suffering from IF.

There are so many steps, it is exhausting.

First you try something that is as least invasive as possible.

Then if that does not work, you get more aggressive.

Then the way you define happiness becomes screwy... many "normal" women get happy when they are pregnant. We think: WOW, I got three follies for my IUI. It did not work, but it was still a good cycle.

Or: WOW: we got 15 eggs! I did not get pregnant, but at least I have a few frozen embies!

or, like last week: Well, there is a pregnancy in your uterus. We can't tell much more. You will have to wait two more agonizing weeks and we will see if there is a heart beat. Me: Well, at least it is not another ectopic, so I am really happy.

Seriously? I am really happy that I have a "Maybe" pregnancy?

WTH? That is ridiculous.

I just want to be normal.

Every step in this process feels like walking uphill both ways. Yesterday I was encouraged because I gagged and almost threw up while driving to work. I *think* I am feeling some morning sickness (Or, I want to be pregnant so badly, I am making myself sick).

But, encouragement soon faded when I got the call that my progesterone had dropped and I had to up my PIO ( which I have seemed to develop an allergic reaction to, BTW).

I am tired.

I just want to know.

Tick, Tock...

2009-11-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

Well... we went in on Tuesday for an u/s and we were able to see the sac with a yolk sac. RE said it was too early for anything else.

So...

Now we wait until 8 weeks for another u/s to hopefully see a strong little heart beat.

I am torn between feeling relived about having another week and a half until I know

and feeling like I am going to go nuts until I know.

This is awful.

Tick, tock...

1010

2009-10-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

that was beta #4. It doubled from Monday, but that is a slow doubling time and it is still lower than it should be.

So, I am on yet another trip to Beta Hell.

I was really ready to hear yesterday that my numbers had dropped. I was already at the mall shopping!

There are a few things now that scare me. One being the mental anguish of all of this. I feel like I barely scraped by last time. There were so many dark days and weekends that it took all of my strength to get out of bed. When I look back, April and May are just one blur of sadness. When I got the call Monday that my beta did not double, it was devastating. So, I mourned this as another loss this past week. And while sad, I am ready to move on. I only had a positive pregnancy test and one really good beta in this pregnancy, so I was not overly excited and used to being pregnant... if that makes sense. So, this time, it stung a little less. I am just afraid that the longer this goes on, the harder the mental recovery is going to be.

Another source of great anguish is that this is another ectopic. That scares the pants off of me. That sucked, it hurt, it required surgery and I think it would kill me to be laid up in bed again for a week thinking of how I lost yet another pregnancy.

The last thing I am scared of, really hurts my heart. I just don't want it to be like last time with baby B, when we make it as far as an u/s, only to find a little bean who is measuring too small, and who's heart is beating too slowly. That broke my heart to hear my baby's heartbeat, knowing that this poor little child that we created was not going to live.

I just keep praying to God for strength, patience and faith to believe there is some reason that we are on this painful journey. I am just trying SO hard to believe that there is a reason for all of this. I know we are good people and that we deserve happiness. It is just so hard to figure out why all of this keeps happening.

Long day

2009-10-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

I am simply exhausted from spending the day around children and trying to pretend that my life doesn't freaking suck. It does not help that I could not sleep AT ALL last night.

I am going to try a hot shower and then a good book. Hope that does the trick.

Beta #3 is not good.

2009-10-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

It was 355 on Friday.

555 today.

RE is not hopeful.

Someone, please tell me how it is possible that I can be looking at miscarriage #4. Please, tell me how this is possible.

What have I done?

Why can't we have a child?

How much heartbreak do we have to endure?

Limbo

2009-10-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Well, beta #2 was 355 yesterday. It should have been 362. I know that is a matter of a few points, but to me, it might as well be the difference of 1000 points. My progesterone also dropped.

I really, really hate this part. I know I should not be freaking out about this, but it is all such a mind scramble. In all reality, our numbers rose perfectly last time, and look what happened. So, I know that betas are not the end all and be all.

So, now I go in again tomorrow morning and then it will be another day of waiting with complete anguish to see what the numbers are.

God... where is the fast-forward button?

Are you there, God? It's me, Kelly...

2009-10-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

Well,

Here we go again. At 9dp5dt our first beta is 181. I want to jump up and down, I want to scream, "hooray" at this amazing chance to be pregnant again, because I truly know how lucky I am to have a second chance at this.

But, I just can't. I am petrified.

I don't want to get too attached because, well, what if? And there are so many "what ifs" to worry about.

I just pray to God that this time is different. All I ask is that this lead us to a healthy baby.

Please.

Trying not to obsess.....

2009-10-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

Well...

We are currently 5 days past a 5 day transfer ( It might even be 6 since they were frozen on day 6).

I am trying my absolute best to not obsess. I have definitely been crampy and tired, but those are all things that can be contributed to the PIO injections... so, who knows!

What is hard, it I keep finding myself imagining this really working this time...I mean really working. I keep imagining my first u/s going beautifully, instead of a disaster like last time. I keep imagining being able to tell our families on Thanksgiving. I keep imagining my growing belly and setting up a nursery.

While these are all lovely thoughts... I am petrified that I have this much hope. If Wednesday rolls around, and my beta is negative, I am going to be crushed. Worse even, let's say we get a BFP, what if we have another miscarriage? That will simply devastate R and me.

It was easier before the transfer.. .I had a wall up and such a "whatever happens" attitude. But now, now that we have actually transferred our embryos back... it is getting harder and harder to deny just how badly I want this. I want us to start our family. I want a child. Even if this is the only child we are ever able to have...

So much for trying not to obsess... Wednesday can't some fast enough...

And..... we're off

2009-10-12T05:48:00.001-07:00

Leaving for FET #2... wish us luck!

FET is tomorrow

2009-10-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

And I feel a mixture of emotions. There is a strange part of me that feels like everything will be okay this time. Then there is the part of me that is scared to death.

But I have to try, right? NOT trying would be worse, right?

No matter how much I try to down play this all, the truth is, I want this so badly.

If you can spare any extra thoughts, please send them my way.

Thanks.

Oddly Calm...

2009-10-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

The eve of the eve of our FET and I am feeling oddly calm.

I am not sure why. Perhaps all of the drama that has happened thus far in our journey has taken away a lot of the unknowns. Many of the worst-case-scenarios have already happened. Perhaps it is our turn for a happy ending.

Hope so.

FET # 2 is on!

2009-09-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have two words:

Holy Crap.

Always a bridesmaid...

2009-08-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Before R and I met, I had already been a bridesmaid something like 10 times. I was always happy with my life during these times, but I know I muttered many a "always the bridesmaid; never a bride" to myself- Usually while sitting in a dress that never quite fit right.

Well, this week, I became an aunt... for the 5th time.

I love my new niece to pieces. I really am over any bitterness towards my SIL ( see blog posts in January for reference), and I am over the fact that R and I have been TTC since before brother and SIL even knew each other( well, okay, I am mostly over that), and that they were going to use our boy name ( thank goodness they had a girl!)

But... that familiar feeling, that oh-so-familiar feeling, of life moving forward for every one else... seems to be ever-present lately.

I feel like I am still sitting here in my ugly, steel- gray bridesmaid dress.

Always an aunt...

Another IF lesson: normal is relative.

2009-08-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

I think at various times in our lives, we look to the world outside and compare ourselves, our lives and the like to get a sense for what is normal.

Last week, we got the results of our Karyotyping and RPL testing.

The results: normal.

3 miscarriages, 3 IVFs, and still no child... but we're normal!

I can't help but take a look at the world around me and think that it is nuts to even use the world normal when talking about us and our situation.

When I was younger, I thought that at age 35 it would be normal to be married, have a house, and have a few kids.

Instead, shots, egg retrievals and miscarriages are the norm.

So, I have learned yet another lesson for this mess: IF has defined a new kind of normal for me.

What we consider normal certainly is relative.

Really, really tough day.

2009-08-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well, you kind of know it is not going to be a good day when the first thing you do in the morning is look for a copy of your mother's death certificate.

I had to go back to my hometown yesterday to take care of some accounts at my mom's bank that, for whatever reason, were still open. I was annoyed as I thought I had taken care of this two years ago. When my mother got sick, she put my name on her accounts to make things easier for bill paying, etc. Since they were in my name, I was the lucky one who had to take care of it.

As I wanted to get to the gym and go to my acupuncture before I headed up, I checked online to see the branch hours. I saw that her branch had moved locations and that it is now on one of the main roads very close to where her house was. I knew where to head, and figured it would be easy to spot the bank when I got here.

So... I get there.... and I find the bank.

****interruption for a little back story for those that do not know*****

I have a brother who was a firefighter and who was killed in the line of duty. It was in a restaurant that was on a main road not too far from my mom's house ( do you see where I am going, yet?)

So, I pull into the bank... the bank that was recently built on the spot where my brother lost his life. Now, the lot that now houses the bank has been vacant for 20+ years since the fire. I have driven past this lot a million times.

But... how ironic is it that the first time I have pulled in and walked close to where the tragedy took place, I was doing so with my mother's death certificate in hand.

I hate to feel sorry for myself.... but sometimes the ridiculousness that is my life... it is like it is a bad movie that no one actually wants to watch because the plot is too unbelievable.

Of course the bank wound up being a hassle, it is still not settled and I am expecting a phone call again today with person from the bank, so I can once again, re-hash the fact that my mother is dead.

So, I figured I would cap off the misery with a drive past my mom's house ( that we sold last summer) and a trip to the cemetery.

I guess the silver lining was that I got to have dinner with a dear, dear friend who still lives in that area.

Bottom line: I really miss my mom. She was such a good egg.

Bliss...

2009-07-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

We really needed this.

As much as I adored our trip to California, It always takes a trip to the beach to restore my soul.

That may sound so cheesy, but there is something about the beach, it works like magic for me.

It calms and soothes.

I have barely been on the computer, barely watched TV and barely thought about IF... well, barely anyway! ;)

We are here with the whole family, and all of the kids, so every now and again, R and I will get that old familiar feeling of longing, but we have been having SO much fun with all of the kids.

Hope all of you are well.

Dark day.

2009-07-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have not had a day like this in awhile.

The day started out terribly when I got BOTH of my hands stuck in the garage door this morning. That sucked. Then I did not go to my yoga class because, let's face it, it is a little hard to downward dog when you can't use your hands. The gym has been my savior these past few months and I think I really needed to go today.

I have also been fighting with R since basically Friday night. He did something stupid and I can't seem to let it go. I got pissed off all over again today... and a very one-sided fight ensued wherein I hurled a Yankee Candle across the room. WTF? First of all, that is crazy. Secondly, those things are not cheap.

I don't know. I got my period last week, and I think I was delusional enough to think perhaps that I could be lucky enough to get that miracle break BFP.

I just feel like this is never going to happen for us.

I wonder what people who do not have all kinds of crazyshit wrong with their lives do with all of the free time they must have while they are not driving themselves crazy.

Sigh. today, I just want to pull the covers over my head and tell the world to go away.

Sigh... All good things must come to an end.

2009-07-14T04:11:00.000-07:00

Since I saw a few back to school commercials already... in JULY, I am starting to feel as if I am talking about my summer vacation!

but, I am not. We are headed back to the RE Thursday, I called and made the appointment yesterday.

Living in denial has been quite pleasant these past few months, but I know it is time for us to figure out what we are going to do. I guess.

I love my RE and his whole office, but the thought of walking in just makes my stomach drop. After everything that happened this spring, I am know I am just going to be flooded with painful reminders.

But we all know, this is what needs to be done.

On a positive note, I "attended" a Resole teleconference last Thursday on setting up a local support group. I think I am going to do it! I am just waiting for them to send me some more of the paperwork. I am so excited that perhaps my struggle may actually help someone else- then I know there has been a reason for all of this.

God, please let things be different next year.

2009-07-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like I utter this phrase often when I have yearly events to attend- holidays, birthdays, etc.

I always think.. okay, but this time next year we will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Today is one of those days.

We have our niece's birthday party today.

I can remember when we got together for her birthday last year, I was nearing the end of the 2ww of my first IVF. I thought for sure we would have a baby by this year's party.

So... I will utter the wish, yet again, as we drive to the party today.

Please.... won't you listen?

Just in case...

2009-07-08T14:34:00.001-07:00

You were wondering... still did not call the RE today.

Chicken.

You know what stinks?

2009-07-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

I should be 20 weeks pregnant. I should be able to rub my adorable belly. I should be half-way through my pregnancy.

I also chickened out and did not call the RE yesterday.

Sucks.

Back to reality....

2009-07-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

Okay... so I have to do a few things today that will be a reality check:

1. Go back to the gym. Actually, I was really good while we were away; I went to the hotel's gym 5 out of the 7 days we were away. Also, we walked all over SF- I would pick the street with the largest hills to walk up. I though R was going to kill me. I like the gym, so this is not really that bad- I just did not go all weekend and now have to start up again.

2. Weigh in at JC. This I am nervous about. I was down 13 before our trip. I was not incredibly over-indulgent on our trip. But, we were in Wine Country for Pete's sake! We drank- a lot!

So, I am hoping the damage is nothing more than 5 pounds. That I can deal with.

3. Call the RE to set up our RPL testing.

Yuck. Enough said.

One good thing.... ask me when I have to get up for work again.

The answer is September- Woo-hoo!!!!!!

****ETA: Only gained a little over a pound and a half! Woot.... not bad for close to 9 days of vacation!******************

A clear head and a big step.

2009-07-04T03:32:00.000-07:00

Well, first of all, Happy 4th of July!

On holidays, I always tend to think about where I was the year before. I do remember that last year at this time, I was on day two of stimming for IVF#1. Oh, such innocence; if I had only known what the year would have in store for me.

So here I sit, sipping my coffee at 6:30 in the morning, I think the cats are happy that we are back from vacation... so happy that they wanted me up this early!

Speaking of vacation.... the word heavenly does not even do it justice. We had SUCH an amazing time. San Francisco was incredible; we saw just about every square inch of the city! Then we headed to Sonoma and Napa and we visited wineries, ate great food, and sipped amazing wine. Most importantly, we were us again. Just R and K. There were no worries, no stressors, no sadness. We simply enjoyed being the couple we once were- and that was pretty fantastic. Now, we have two glorious months off to continue to recharge! The weather is supposed to be in the 80's here today.... so I will FINALLY get in my pool!

Despite our respite from the throes of infertility, we did actually take a pretty big step. Although it may sound like no big deal- it is for us.

I made contact with an adoption agency.

In the last month, we have done a lot of soul searching. Now if children are not in the cards for us, I know we will still be a happy couple. This past week certainly solidified that in both of our minds. I feel incredibly blessed with an amazing marriage that is truly a partnership where we just adore each other and so enjoy each other's company.

But... we want to have a family. And one thing I have started to realize is how we get to our family is starting to matter less and less. Don't get me wrong, I long to carry a child. I long to rub my swollen pregnant belly, and I would give anything to give birth to a child that R and I created, but... we want to have a family. So, although I am not entirely sure this is a direction we will move in, it is a huge step for us. We still will have all of our testing done, we'll talk to our RE, and we will continue to weigh our options. But... I feel happy as I no longer feel adoption is our "last option".

Perhaps it is a new beginning.

We'll see.

Outta here!

2009-06-26T03:47:00.000-07:00

I am up, headed to weigh in at JC ( not sure why, I guess so I can know how much I gain on my vacay!) and then I am hitting the gym.

I want to get a mani, pack a few last minute things, and then we are leaving for the airport at 1:00!

Woo-hoo!!!!!!!

I am a little nervous as they are forecasting for some kickass storms here in NY, so hopefully we won't be delayed too long!

Be well everyone. See you when I get back!

Freedom

2009-06-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am heaving a huge sigh of relief; tomorrow is my last day of school!

I have some time off and I plan to work on me.

So, here are some of my goals:

1. Get in shape to run a road race in the fall.

2. Lose the rest of my IF weight ( about 25ish pounds).

3. Read

4. Enjoy time with friends

5. Enjoy cocktails by my pool!

6. Enjoy my marriage.

7. Figure out where the hell we are going next in this crazy quest to become parents.

Of course this all starts when we get back from our Kickass trip to California!

Social Misfits.....

2009-06-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

When R and I first met, we both had tons of friends. We both were pretty social people, who would go out often. When we met, people told us we were a match made in heaven because we were both known for being funny and out going people- both of us, the life of the party.

Fast forward to many years later and I am sitting here, totally procrastinating getting in the shower because we have to go to a party tonight.

So, why have things changed? How, you ask, can that fun couple be dreading a party?

The answer is simple, so simple it is one word.

Infertility.

Infertility has taken may things from me: The hope of being surprised that I am pregnant. Heck, who am I kidding, it has taken the hope that I will ever remain pregnant. It has taken my waistline, the ability to fit into my size six jeans, my money, my time, sex ( ironic, right?), privacy, and the focus of today's avoidance: my social graces.

R and I were talking about this before and we both agreed. What the hell do we have to add to any conversations? We will be the only childless couple there. Everyone will be talking about their kids... as they should be because their kids are their lives.

So, really, what about our life do we have to share? How can we possibly answer the question, "what is new with you two?" Well, answer it truthfully, anyway. Any kind of candor would surely be a buzz kill, no?

And that is the point. I feel like I run out of things to say to people once we get past the polite chit-chat. I don't want to hear about their kids/pregnancies/family vacations. That is awful, but I am just not in a good place with all of that. So, like a social freak of nature, I run away from any type of meaningful conversation.

So, we'll go and try to pretend we are not the social pariahs that we feel like and , like always, by the end of the evening, it will be R and I sitting in the corner, sipping a glass of wine and wishing that things were different.

NOT having a baby changes everything.

Since you were all waiting on the edge of your seat....

2009-06-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

For this update....

AF showed today.

I can finally, completely shed the ugliness and sadness that has ben my life these past few months.

Here's to moving forward....

WTF... AF is MIA.

2009-06-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is a whiney, whiney, post. Turn away if you must.

I am so damn crampy. I had the mother of all cramps driving to work today... I thought for sure when I got there, I would have AF! NOPE!

I am just tired of feeling like crap. I hate this and I feel like I have been banned to the eternal damnation of PMS.

Dramatic, yes.

Do I care, Nope.

I am getting pissier as the days go by.

Can't a girl catch a break?

DREAD...

2009-06-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

My SIL's baby shower is Sunday. Ugh.

I have not really seen any of the older aunts and such since Brother and SIL's wedding in August. (yes, they got KU the first month trying)

I wonder how many of these I will hear:

"So... they just got married... when are you and R having kids?"

"Wow... we have been waiting for your announcement"

"Are you pregnant yet?"

If they ask the last one... I might have to throw down, seeing as I have been dieting my ass off.

Well, at least I did not really like anything on their registry.

I am so going to HELL.

Shoot me now, please.

Irony, Symbolism and Conflict...

2009-05-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

In looking at my title, I am not sure if I am writing a blog post or a lesson plan... lol. Well, as they say, life imitates art and literature....

I went for a long walk by the H.udson R.iver this morning; there is a great park by my house that sits right on the river banks and has a great walking trail. Other than being at the beach... this park is definitely my happy place. There is just something about being near water that really calms me. Whenever I walk here, I always do it sans iPod... because of this, I tend to get a lot of "good" thinking done.

Today I was thinking of all of the ironies you encounter while pursuing fertility treatments. For instance, on Friday, I got the phone call that my beta was negative. This was a happy call. Pretty ironic when a mere two months ago... with great trepidation, I listened to my voicemail hoping that I wold hear that I had anything but a negative beta. But despite its irony, Friday's negative beta is also a symbol... it signifies that I am no longer tied, at least physically, to the difficult events of the past month and a half. We IF gals do this when we know that a cycle has failed... we hope for a quick show of AF ( ironic for one trying to achieve pregnancy) so we can move forward towards a new cycle. It is amazing that we can talk ourselves into thinking that AF, which is normally a symbol of doom, can so quickly become a symbol of hope and a new beginning.

I have always been a master at the quick switch in AF's meaning.... but lately, not so much.

So, listen up kids... enter conflict... internal conflict.. a little person vs. herself , to be specific.

I know I am moving forward... I don't feel nearly as crappy as I did merely a few weeks ago... but I am having a real problem trying to figure out what I am moving toward. I really feel torn in half. Of course I want to be a mom... I would love to have a family with my H. I am a teacher- I have chosen to make kids my life. But, if I am going to be completely honest, I just don't know if I want to do this anymore. I think part of the reason I am doing so well is I am pretending that IF does not exist in my world right now. I am not thinking about baby-making; I am thinking about me. And I am so fearful that once I cross back over... things are going to fall apart. So I will admit it, I am absolutely paralyzingly petrified to even try again.

I know many women have been through more than I, but the events of the last few months have taken such a toll on my heart and my body... what if it happens again? Would I be able to handle it? Would it be the thing that finally puts me over the edge?

I have never been one to give up. I have never been one to fear a challenge or adversity. But the fact that it scares me so much now, I can't help but wonder if deep down, I am trying to tell myself something: Maybe it is time to stop.

Trisomy 22

2009-05-25T17:28:00.001-07:00

We got the results of the pathology report from my D&C about a week and a half ago, but I have not blogged about it at all. My second little bean, Baby B, had Trisomy 22.

I think I have not written about this as I am not sure how I feel. On one hand, I am happy, I suppose, to have an answer, but on the other hand, it saddens and scares me.

In the little research I have done, this seems to be a common cause of first trimester miscarriages, and I know this does not mean that we are doomed, but I have this nagging feeling that we are going to find some larger issues when we have our karyotyping done. Understand, this is based on nothing scientific, but my gut, it is usually right. My RE thinks bad luck... the gut is saying otherwise.

So for now, the holding pattern continues. I have to go back AGAIN this week as my beta is not at zero yet. It was close on Friday, it was at 14.

I keep feeling like I am getting AF. I'll get spotting and cramps and then nothing. I wonder how long this is going to go on for.

So, we have an answer. I just wish I could get an answer to the larger question swirling around in my mind... the one I try so very hard not to ask.... Why me?

Musings, updates and other random things.

2009-05-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I realized that it has been over a week since I last updated, so I figured it was time.

I so have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. Obviously I am thrilled that the sun is shining and the weather is warm, and the end of the school year is near, but as a teacher, this is such a crazy time of the year. Within the next month I have a dance this Friday night, I am leaving on Tuesday for a three-day trip to B.oston with my S.tudent Government kids. Then two weeks later, I am one of the co-organizers of an all-school trip to a local amusement park ( at night), and I have the 8th grade dinner dance- which is like a prom. And yes, I am literally the person running this- this thing is more work than my wedding. And finally, we cap it off with my final exam I have to give and grade and graduation.

God, that made me tired just writing it. I am trying my very best not to get too overwhelmed.

Now, on to some updates. As of last Friday, my beta was down to 560, which is great. I have to go back tomorrow afternoon for another check.

In other good news... I am down 3 more pounds! This is for a grand total of 6 pounds in 2 weeks! I am so excited. I have not made it back to the gym yet, but I have been walking 2 miles everyday since last Wednesday. The physical activity and having some success with my diet has made such a huge difference mentally. I just feels so nice to have something positive to focus on for once.

So for now... I will continue to quell those nagging thoughts about when we are going to cycle again, and I am just going to focus on moving forward towards positivity.

3 pounds!

2009-05-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

I weighed in last night.. and I lost 3 pounds!

At first I was a bit disappointed, but I have to cut myself some slack- I had surgery on Friday and literally laid on the couch for 3 days straight. So, I'll take it!

R and I went for a nice, long walk by the river today- it felt awesome. Since I have not been able to exercise since Feb., I figured for the next few days, I will just walk and start off slow.

By Monday, though, back at the gym! My 30 Day Shred came today. So, I'll start that on Monday, too!

Skinny jeans.... here I come!

Moving Forward...

2009-05-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Well, today was hopefully the last page in what has been a very harrowing chapter of my life. We had our D&C today. It went smoothly; I am crampy and tired, but after the invasiveness of the past month, it was somewhat uneventful.

Seeing as I have already been grieving the loss of this pregnancy and both of my beans, today truly came as a relief. I was disappointed that my body refuse to miscarry naturally, but I trust that my Dr. did the best he could to minimize scarring and the positive is that we can have the tissue tested. In a few weeks, we will get the results and we will go for other testing to hopefully give us some answers. I am sure I will still have some bad days, but now I am hoping they will be fewer than the good and we can begin to heal and move forward.

On a funny note.. as levity always helps a bad situation, the hospital where I had the procedure was far swankier than any nice hotel I have ever frequented! We were cracking up! I had my own private room for before and for recovery, fully equipped with a TV, my own bathroom and a comfy chair for R! It was hysterical, we did not want to leave!

And since we are focusing on positives, I am 3 days in on Jenny Craig. I am not sure if I have lost any weight, it is hard to tell as I still have a lot of hormone bloat. But, I am really liking the food- both taste and selection. I am a little hungry at times, but I suppose that is what normal human portions will do to you! LOL! I will go back on Tuesday for next week's food and to get weighed, so we'll see if there has been any progress. I am also happy that my RE said I could be back at the gym as early as next week! About this, I am thrilled.

We are also moving forward with plans for our trip to California. I am pretty excited. I think we have settled on San Fran and Sonoma. I am beyond excited- particularly about all the wine I get to drink. One perk of not being pregnant!

It just feels good to have some positive things to focus on. And that they are things that are purely for me. I was so positive at the start of this last cycle, and I poured all of my energy into it ( which I do not regret), but this is just different. Selfishly, I just want some time to be me again. To worry about my body being healthy and fit, not about wether I am responding well to drugs or retrieving enough eggs. I look so forward to spending time with R- out of our own space where we are free to be that carefree couple that once only worried about what our weekend plans would be. I long for simplicity in my life; simplicity I have not had in 3 long years.

And when we return from our altered state of reality, I think we will be better equipped both mentally and physically to decide what our next steps will be. There is a lot of letting go I need to do- of both my past and my perceived future. Once we do that, I think we will make the best and healthiest decision for us both.

So for now, I will let myself feel whatever I need to feel in order to heal and to finally move forward.

This is all new to me.

2009-04-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Physically, I am still pretty tired and have had a pretty constant headache all week ( which I am assuming is attributed to hormones). But, emotionally, I was in an okay place yesterday. R and I had some wine last night, watched TV together and called it an early night. I was even fine when I got up this morning. We headed out to run a few errands and

BAM

I just wanted to go home. My head hurt, My heart hurt, I was exhausted and I just wanted to curl up in bed. We were supposed to see my nieces and nephew today who are up from Long Island. They are staying with my other brother and SIL who live locally. I called my brother and cancelled. R brought me home and I have just spent one of the most gorgeous days of the year in bed. Curled up in the dark, sleeping.

Now, I have a counseling degree. Rationally ,and according to all of my textbooks, I know much of today's episode was sparked by the fact that I would have to spend time with my SIL. This is difficult for 2 reasons: She is pregnant and she is obnoxious about it.

But there is a larger picture here that I know I don't want to admit to; I am depressed. Truly depressed. I know I have been through a lot, I know that physically and mentally I am still healing, but I really hate feeling this way.

I keep trying to remember if I felt this way after my mom died. I think during her illness, I was just consumed with trying to make her feel better and to make preparations, etc. As her last few weeks were so awful, I was actually relieved when she passed; at least I knew she was no longer in pain. I know I had my fair share of dark days that came months after she passed, but honestly, I don't ever remember feeling this bad.

I think part of what I am having an incredibly hard time with, and I apologize as this is a very morbid thought, but I am still walking around with a child that has died inside my body. I spoke to my RE and he feels a D&C is the best course of action. He told me to take the weekend to think it over and call him next week. I am torn. I want this over with, and with a D&C we can have to tissue tested, which is a benefit. But I am petrified of scarring. It takes so much for us to get pregnant, I am just so scared of putting any more roadblocks in the way. I am also upset that my body shows no signs of miscarrying naturally; just one more way my body seems to be failing me.

I just want to feel better. I know time will help, but I am so scared. What is scaring me is that I feel like I have no hope left. After 2 IVFs and 3 miscarriages, I am petrified that we will never have kids.

I know I have been through a lot in my life. But this horrible feeling of despair, well, this is all new to me.

Blah....

2009-04-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Yup.. that about sums it up.

I am in a bad, dark place today.

I know it will get better, rationally, I know it will.

But it is hard to imagine it will.

I just keep praying for strength.

Distractions...

2009-04-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I went back to work yesterday. Even though I am absolutely exhausted, it felt good to go back. I think mentally, I needed to get out of my house.

Physically, I am feeling.. okay. My stomach has been a bit of a mess and I am still sore. I guess I still just feel off.

It is such a bizarre feeling to just be waiting to miscarry. I have no idea if it will even happen naturally, but it is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

R and I would really like to take a weekend trip away. I found this awesome Inn and Spa that I would like us to go to, I am just afraid to even make any plans.

So, it is supposed to be a beautiful day tomorrow and R was awesome enough to take and clean off all of the lawn furniture, so I am going to sit outside tomorrow with my new book and try to enjoy the little things.

Numbness

2009-04-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today we found out that we were actually pregnant with twins. One we lost last week due to an ectopic pregnancy. At my ultrasound today, we discovered we have a pregnancy in my uterus as well. Unfortunately, the little bean does not stand a chance. It is measuring a week behind, the heart rate is slow and the yolk sac is abnormally large- most likely due to some genetic/chromosomal abnormality. My Dr. is 99.9% sure that we will miscarry this pregnancy as well.

Now, we wait and hope that I miscarry naturally. If not, it will mean yet another surgery.

We just sit and wait for my other little bean to die.

Inside of one pregnancy attempt, I am having 2 miscarriages. Inside of 8 months, I will have had 3 losses.

I am numb.

Rough day...

2009-04-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

Today has been a tough one. I still don't feel physically great. I am running a low fever and have a heck of a headache. I just wish I felt better physically; I know that would help me mentally.

I feel kind of lost today. I keep thinking that we are supposed to be so happy right now and so in love with our little bean. God, I have been through a lot, but this, this is tough.

I don't want to weep anymore- I just want to feel better.

Advice from a pretty smart lady....

2009-04-11T11:41:00.001-07:00

I remember when my mom was sick and it got to the point that we knew it was terminal, we had a conversation about being angry. I told her that I was so angry that she was sick and had to suffer. And selfishly, I was so angry that she was going to be taken from from me far earlier than should ever be.

In that conversation, she taught me one of her last and probably most important lessons: You can't stop to question the bad in life when there has been so much good. Even in her sickness, knowing her time was near, she was able to detail a long list of events in her life that were precious and wonderful. She explained to me that she never asked God "why am I so lucky to have this happen to me?" So, when it came to facing the bad, the same logic applies. You can't have it both was.

So, today I am working really hard to channel my mom and all of her sage advice. I have such an incredible, rock solid marriage. Neither of us are perfect, but we are perfect for each other. These last few days have been rough, but they certainly made me realize all over again how amazing R is.

I have a loving family and amazing friends who are being so incredibly supportive. I am blessed to have a career that I really love. I have seven frozen embryo; so I know we can try again. Thankfully, should we have to do another fresh IVF, although it will hurt a bit, we do have the means to do so.

So, I am giving myself until my belly feels better to mope a bit and then it is time to get on with the business of living. I want to lose weight, run again, and enjoy my husband and our marriage.

Thanks mom, even when are aren't here... you are.

Sigh...

2009-04-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what to say, think or feel.

On Tuesday, I had a little pain on my left side, but it went away fairly quickly. The same thing happened yesterday morning, but again, it went away. It was until 11:00ish last night that my stomach was killing me. It was pretty intolerable; it felt pretty similar to when my appendix burst.

I told R that we needed to get to the ER and off we went. By the time we got there, I honestly thought I was going to die the pain was so bad; I was actually wishing I would pass out.

Finally, after drawing bloods they took me for an u/s. The girl was nice- she asked me if I wanted her to tell me what was going on or if I wanted to wait for the Dr. I asked her to just tell me. the sac in my uterus was empty and we had a live ectopic in my left tube. My God, it had the pole, the yolk sac and a heartbeat.

I think that is the thing I am the hardest time dealing with. My little bean was actually alive, just in the wrong place. I am just so heartbroken. I just really am. I guess this is one more test. I just feel like we are never going to have a baby.

So for now, I guess I need to be grateful that I am safe. I just think it is going to take a lot for my heart to heal this time.

What if?

2009-04-08T17:51:00.001-07:00

I don't know what is wrong with me. A feeling came over me today ( which I completely blame my H for ) . This feeling scares the crap out of me. I had a case of the "what ifs".

What if it really was just too early? We did see a sac when we went back on Friday. No yolk sac, but does that mean we are doomed?

What if the fact that my beta #s that day were still really high and had continued to double appropriately means we have a chance?

What if the fact that I have had heartburn the last few nights means that the baby inside of me is growing?

Oh , no. I don't want to have hope. Last week just hurt so badly. I want to steel myself so that if our next ultrasound does not go well, I will not be heartbroken all over again. I want to pretend this is not happening.

But what if?

My poor husband's affliction...

2009-04-07T05:31:00.000-07:00

From the time I have known my h and I am sure for far longer than our history together, he has been blessed and cursed with a horrible affliction: eternal optimism.

Last Wednesday after our u/s where we were unable to see a sac, the poor man looked more broken than I have ever seen a person look. I was not sure who felt worse as we walked hand in hand and in tears out of the RE's office. I know he was obviously upset as this is our child but I think what really brought him down was the fact that it truly NEVER occurred to him that something could go wrong. I was a nervous wreck going to the appointment; God bless him, but he never even entertained any negative thoughts.

So, when we did see a sac on Friday, even after all of the sadness of the days prior, do you know that the man actually has hope now? He is convinced that it was just too early. He thinks that if were were a "normal" pregnant couple, we would not have gone in for an u/s so early and we would be fine right now.

We could not be more opposite in this respect.

I, on the other hand, am petrified to hold even a shred of hope. Of course I am praying like crazy for a miracle, for the surprise of a healthy sac and the amazing sound of a heartbeat next friday. But to actually HOPE it happens; unfathomable.

His affliction is part of what makes him such a beautiful person. I would not change it or anything in the world. I just fear what it will do to him if we do not receive good news next week.

Limbo

2009-04-06T16:42:00.001-07:00

That is where we are.

Not a fun place.

Breaking Points

2009-04-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

On a snowy January morning, when I was 7 years old, my mother and I were up early because I had CYO basketball practice. Eventually my coach called to say that practiced had been cancelled due to the weather. So, my mother seized this quiet moment when my 4 brothers and father were still asleep to tell me that my father was sick and he was not going to get better; he had Cancer. I remember the surreal feeling later that morning when my father awoke and I knew this horrible thing about him. He was okay for a while, even left the hospital that May to attend my Communion. But, as summer turned to fall, he became very sick. I can remember going into his room every day after school and reading too him- even after he stopped recognizing who we were. Until one November morning, a few days before Thanksgiving, one of my brothers woke me up. I heard many voices downstairs and I immediately asked him, "did Dad die?" He had. In those last days before he died, my older brothers could not bring themselves to go in his room; even at 8 years old I knew, out of the 5 of us kids, I was the strong one.

About 2 years later, my Grandfather had another stroke, as my mom was a nurse, he and my Grandmother temporarily moved in with us. We had always been so close with my mom's parents. I used to sleep over their house every Friday night. One day in March, I was playing down the block and I saw an ambulance zoom by. I knew in my gut what had happened. My Grandfather had died. It was so awful to see my grandmother and mom in so much pain. I remember trying to be extra good. I guess when you are a kid, you think that will help somehow.

The following February, Valentine's Day to be exact, my 18 year old bother, who was a volunteer fireman, left for a call; a fire at a restaurant not far from where we lived. About an hour later, the hospital called for my mom. She left and my Grandmother and I stayed behind. About and hour later, I was watching the sitcom, Mr. Belvedere, and my mother walked through the back door and told me that my brother had died. I remember it seemed that world had temporarily stopped, everything had gone silent. But, as soon as I recovered, I ran upstairs to be with my mom and see if I could help. I remember when I got back to school after the funeral and everything, my teachers remarked about how brave an strong I was. I guess even then I knew I did not have any choice.

After this, my grandmother moved in permanently with us. It was so nice; it was like having a 2nd parent back in the house. When I was a Jr. in high school, my grandmother got sick. I quit sports and my after school job so that I could relieve my mom's cousin who stayed with my grandmother all day. I would sit with my grandmother all afternoon until my mom came home from work. As things got worse, I remember my brothers could no longer enter her room. While I would lift her to try to get her to the bathroom, they dealt by trying to avoid. That July, my grandmother died. I helped my mother pick out a casket, her clothing and the readings at her funeral. I tried to be strong.

In April of 2006, 3 years ago, my beautiful mother was diagnosed with cancer. I sat with her in the doctor's office when he delivered the news. She was to start a regimen of Chemo and then eventually radiation which was to stop the cancer and then she would have surgery to remove the mass. The chemo was so rough on her, I spent almost every day at her house, sitting on the bathroom floor with her, rubbing her back as she threw up from the chemo. Her radiation treatments fell over my summer break. I drove the 40 minutes to her house, everyday, for a month and a half, to take her to her radiation treatments. I stayed with her afterwards and watched TV and read magazines. On October 20, she was to have a major surgery that would remove the mass from her esophagus and stomach. It was an involved surgery that would take a few hours. After 45 minutes, the Dr. came out. I knew that was not good. He said the cancer had spread all over her stomach, there was nothing more they could do. I asked how long she had left, he told me 6 months. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing. But, I knew I had to get myself together . I did and we went up to wait in her hospital room. When they wheeled my mother in, she looked confused. She said to me, " I looked at the clock, the surgery can't be over already, what happened?" They had not told her yet. So, I was the one to tell my mother that she was going to die.

She did not last 6 months. I came up to see her the day I got out for Christmas break, she was in such terrible shape. I rode with her in the ambulance and we spent Christmas in the hospital. By early January, it was clear the end was near. We had already talked about her wishes, so I contacted the funeral home, went there, picked out her casket and planned my mother's wake. During her final days, we held hands, prayed a lot, and talked about so many things. On Friday, January 12, 2006, While at school, I got called to the office for a phone call. A phone call I knew was coming. They told me my mom was really failing and that I should get there as soon as I could . I raced back to my classroom, told my kids I had to leave and I left. I got to spend mom mom' s last hours with her; I was rubbing her back when she finally died later that evening. The next day, I packed her clothes for the funeral home, gathered pictures to make collages for the wake. Two days later, I gave my mother's Eulogy and then buried her.

After the funeral, everyone ccommented on how strong I was. My brothers even joked that it was amazing that I was the younger sister. The next year was so hard. But somehow I managed to get stronger, to move on. It took a long time to wrap my head around being 33 with no living parents. but I did, I got through it. In the early days after my mom's death, I often wondered if I had reached my breaking point. It was almost like I kept waiting for that to happen. But, I was able to move forward.

Yesterday, when I went for my first ultrasound and there was nothing to be found, I felt like I was going to die. After 3 painful years dealing with countless procedures and appointments and a M/C in August, it all came crashing down. We had 8 blissful days of finally thinking we were pregnant; of thinking that I was finally going to have a whole family again. But, there was only more loss.

I did two things I never do. I called in sick today and I have wept uncontrollably since yesterday afternoon. I know I am the strong one, but I have nothing left. I am tired of trying to get through and get over all of the curve balls life has thrown at me. I simply do not understand why God has chosen this life for me. I am just exhausted. And, after all of these years, I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.

No Sac

2009-04-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing in my uterus.

There should have been something there.

Now we have to worry this is ectopic.

I am just heartbroken and so mad that I even let myself be hopeful. I am such a fool.

Getting closer to being real...

2009-03-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

So, I had my 3rd beta Friday afternoon and we were up to 1072. I went in today for beta #4. So, I will get my results tomorrow.

And... our first u/s is scheduled for Wednesday. This is to make sure it is not ectopic, etc.

It is also to see how many sacs there maybe.... gulp.

I know that there is a possibility of twins..... but holycrap.

I'll keep you posted!

Disbelief...

2009-03-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I am PG! It honestly seems so surreal. I had to listen to the message three times!

I just pray that this baby sticks this time...

But for tonight... I am going to enjoy this feeling!

Tomorrow...

2009-03-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding incredibly dramatic and somewhat cheesey.... the fate of my life hangs in the balance until my beta tomorrow.

I honestly do not know how I feel. I remember the weekend before my beta for IVF#1, I had what I imagine a panic attack must be like. I just got so freaked out that it did not work.

For my FET debacle, after losing 5 embryos in the thaw... I did not have much faith that it had worked, so I never really had any hope... I was not counting on good news anyway.

This time, well, I have been surprisingly calm. No major freakouts ( although the day is still young) and I feel like the best way to describe how I feel is indifferent. I know there is no reason for it to NOT work, but after all this time, I also have a hard time imagining a call where the dr tells me I have wonderful beta and I am indeed safely pregnant. It scares me a bit that I feel that way as maybe on some level, deep down, I already know that perhaps being parents is not in the cards for us.

Anyway... I guess I need to give it up to God at this point and hope that he feels I have been tested enough and am ready for some goodness. I hope so as it has been a really long 3 years.

So, I am going to Spring clean like crazy today; windows, curtains... you name it, I'll clean it.

At least it will keep me occupied.

4dp5dt...

2009-03-18T16:53:00.001-07:00

Nothing other than that to report...

Distractions

2009-03-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, we are one day closer to our beta and I am so thankful that school seems to be NUTS lately. I have NO time to think about anything IVF/BETA/will I ever get PG related.

You see... this is the time of year where girls are no longer friends with their best friends and then are and then aren't and then are and then aren't and then are again.

And.... boys show mutual friendship and camaraderie by wrestling and shutting each others' lockers ... sometimes with fingers, legs and the like, in the way.

So playing counselor, referee and nurse can be quite distracting.

Sigh... in middle school... Spring is certainly in the air.

If they only knew the gigantic favor they are doing for me! :)

snowbabies!

2009-03-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

We have 7 of them!

In the words of the embryologist- 6 fantastic and 1 eh!

I'll take it!

Although, this is how many we had make it to freeze last time, and I am not pg, so.....

In other related news, had my progesterone checked today... a whopping 191! That is good news.

my beta is one week from today. By this time, I'll know if I am going to be a mom!

Game on...

2009-03-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back.

The ET went smoothly; we transferred 2 back. Both were in the blastocyst stage- one was AB quality and the other BB. So all in all, not too bad for my geriatric ovaries.

Honestly, I am floored. When my CD 3 FSH came back high, I thought we were doomed. I am thrilled and so grateful we have made it this far.

We have 8 more embryos they are watching to see if they will make it to freeze tomorrow.

And now the wait begins.... my beta is March 23. Exactly one month before my 35th birthday.

I hope 35 is a VERY happy birthday.

So.... now I am off to obsess!

Flashbacks....

2009-03-14T04:41:00.000-07:00

Today is my ET. I know I should be excited, and I think in many ways I am, but I have a negative feeling I can't shake.

We did a FET in November. We went down for the ET with 7 embryos frozen. I was feeling good as I thought "Hey, if this does not work, at least we still have a bunch more frozen."

Well, not so much. It was an awful experience, when we got there, they sent us out telling us to go get lunch; the embryos had not been thawed yet. ( suspicious) We came back in an hour only to wait and hour and a half longer. When the Dr. came in, she informed us that 5 of our 7 embryos died.

I was devastated, I pretty much cried through the ET and just knew in my heart there was no way that cycle was going to result in a BFP. Well, I was right about that.

I know, rationally, that November's FET has nothing to do with today's ET. But I can't help feeling the way I do. It is like the further you get into this, the more treatments you do, the less hope you have left. It chips away at your innocence, so to speak. Now, it is a matter of self-preservation- you steel yourself just in case there is another blow coming. I remember the wide-eyed excitement and awe I felt during my first IVF. Of course it was going to work- I did not even take into consideration that it wouldn't. I wish I could re-capture some of that positivity- but it is just too dangerous because sometimes- it doesn't work.

So, hopefully we will be greeted with good news when we get there. I hope all goes smoothly and I will try my best for the next week to stay positive that this will work. I need to try to shake any negativity that I feel. But, I am a realist and if this is not our time, I just pray I have the strength to get through it.

Relief....

2009-03-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got the call! We have 12 good embryos ! I could honesty just sit here and cry. So much goes into this whole process; so much mentally, emotionally and physically. I was on pins and needles all day today and now I am simply elated. Now, I know there is still much that can go wrong, we can get down there on Saturday and find that not many embryos have made it that far, and of course, I could suffer through another failed cycle, but, I am really trying to not look further than today.

And today is a good day.

waiting.....

2009-03-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I have been dealt the infertility cards because I am not what you might call, a patient person.

Well... after almost 3 years in this game, I have started to learn that I am not in control of everything ( toughest.lesson.ever) and sometimes, well, you just have to cool your heals and wait.

Today is one of those days. I am waiting for my fertility report to see how many of my 14 eggs fertilized and when we will transfer our embryos back.

It is going to be a long day of waiting.

Hey, I said I've learned to do it; never said I had to like it!

I'll update later.

14

2009-03-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

That is how many eggs we got. To say I am relieved is such an understatement. I was so worried since my FSH shot up so much since IVF#1.

Today went well. It took us almost a full 2 hours to get to NYU with all of the traffic. I was glad I suggested we leave at 8:00. I was happy there was not much waiting around when I got there; that is the part that usually kills me. Most of the ER staff and dr.s recognized me. While that is nice, and I told them so, I told them I hope they would be not be offended if I said I really hope not to ever see them again! I am ready to get off this roller coaster and get pg!

I donned my ever-so-sexy- green gown and blue bonnet and I got all hooked up and ready to go. I was out in a matter of minutes ( as in knocked out) and when they were wheeling me into recovery, I thought I heard them say they got 14. Of course, when I came to, I had to obsessively check with the nurse to make sure I was not dreaming.

I definitely had more pain than the last time- they slipped some extra pain killer into my IV- so that helped. Then they gave me my apple juice and gram crackers.... Best.meal.ever. since I had not eaten (could not eat) since last night!

I slept most of the afternoon, R has been pampering me- he even brought me sunflowers ( my fav!)

I think I will stay home from work tomorrow as I am sure I will still be sore.

Tomorrow makes me nervous. I know I will be a wreck until I get the fertility report. I just pray to god we had some fertilization and some good quality embryos. I am also hoping to make it to a 5 day transfer like last time.

So, that is all for now. Thanks for all of your support!

After

Oh boy....

2009-03-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here we go. We are leaving to go to NYU in a few.

I am trying to take deep breaths.... I am so nervous. I am petrified they will get in there and there will be no eggs. Even if they do get eggs, I know I will obsess until tomorrow about whether or not they fertilize.

Ugh... wish me luck.

EEEKKKKK!

2009-03-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

OK... so tomorrow is my ER! I have been such bad blogger through my stimming process, but I felt that I needed to not think so much about all that was going on. I will write more after the ER.

Here we are, once again.

Please, please let them get enough eggs.

Please, please let them fertilize into great embryos.

Please, please let this work.

Is that too much to ask?

If things were ever easy, I'm not sure what I would do with myself.

2009-02-15T04:34:00.000-08:00

Reeling. That is the word the best describes how I feel this weekend. I have slept non-stop as this past week simply exhausted me. Thanks to the BCPs for IVF #2, my emotions seem to be getting the better of me these days. I apologize in advance if this post seems more "whiney" than usual.

So, CD3 appointment was last Thursday afternoon. Since I went in the afternoon, I did not get my results until Friday afternoon. Friday was a horrible day at work as 7 teachers in my building alone were let go. It was awful and I was very distracted as I drove home;I forgot to check my VM right away. I went home and picked up R as he and I were taking a weekend grad class. It was not until we were on our way to class, I remembered to check said VM.

FSH=12. 12. I am 34 and my FSH=12.

I was devastated. Of course it was after hours, so I could not call. We then went to class, getting stuck at the table with a pregnant lady and bunch of new parents. I am sure you can imagine the table conversations. Did I mention that this class was Fri. night, ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday. Jesus.

Fast forward to Tuesday night. I get a call from Freedom Pharmacy. " Sorry, you order can't be put through, your coverage was denied". Now, I do not have coverage for IVF, but I was lucky enough to have med coverage ( as, if interpreted one way, is mandated my NYS law.)

So, after many phone calls and me sobbing on the phone to complete strangers, what it comes down to is this: My school district changed RX providers as of Jan 1st. Although our coverage did not change, per se, my new provider interprets the language regarding drug coverage and IVF differently than my old provider. So, semantics has left me w/o drug coverage.

I did manage to get an emergency override for the drugs that were ordered, but that is it, any refills and future cycles- all OOP.

There is some board meeting about my case in March, and I did speak to my union, as this is a change of coverage for me ( and a change of coverage was not agreed upon when we switched), but we all know how this will turn out.

I know I should focus on the fact that some of my meds are covered this time, but let's be honest, after almost 3 years at this, I am still not pg. Nothing has worked. What if this IVF does not work? Ya know with my FSH being 12 and all. I don't think we can afford to cycle again with paying for the meds, too.

I just feel defeated.

So here I sit; reeling from the events of the past week. Reeling, exhausted, and well, just plain sad.

12

2009-02-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

12. That would be the level of my FSH on CD3. WTF? I am 35 freakin years old. My body thinks it is 45.

I don't even want to do this IVF. Why bother? To suffer through another negative?

I give up.

Oh the places you'll go...

2009-02-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

When Dr. Seuss wrote that book, I am quite sure he did not have IVF#2 in mind, but it that is where my path is taking me.

So, AF finally showed tonight, so I am am all set to start this next cycle. I have to call tomorrow to see how I am going to squeeze in my CD 3 appointment, I picked up my BCP prescription tonight, and I am ready to go!

There is so much juxtaposition in my emotions right now. I feel so excited to get started, but I am petrified as well. Sometimes it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it is going to take IVF to get us pregnant. That fact that we are embarking on #2 is just incredulous to me.

I know what I am facing: horrid emotional mood swings on the BCP, bruises and bloat from the stim shots, the painful egg retrieval , the transfer , the endless 2 week wait. I can take all of that, but what if it doesn't work? What if, once again, it is NOT my turn?

That I don't think I can take.

So, I will go to bed and pray, as I do every night, for the strength to do this, the strength to stay positive, and the miracle of a pregnancy.

Sigh of relief; pang of anxiety, and a little perspective.

2009-02-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

I slept like a baby Friday night because I was finally able tell my principal about my upcoming IVF cycle. He was great, it was fine, and now it is over. I am just so happy that I no longer have to worry about people seeing me come in late or taking time off, etc. Huge sigh of relief.

Now, if my body would be as cooperative as my principal, we would be all good. I did not keep track of my cycle per say, so I don't know when I o'd, but I am usually a 28 day girl, and AF is no where in sight. I called on Friday and made my CD3 appointment for tomorrow; I was certain that AF would show over the weekend. NOPE. Now, what is giving me anxiety is that Wed-Friday of this week, I absolutely cannot be late to school ( first RE appointment is 8:00- school starts at 7:45). Wed. I am at a training and Thurs. and Fri. I am training people at work about what I learned about on Wed. So, nothing can happen if I am not there. Oh, and we are supposed to get a huge- ass snow storm here in on Tuesday, so that might make things a bit tricky. Ugh.

On a somewhat related note, we had a rather somber meeting after school on Thursday where we leaned my district is laying off 31 people. Now to those of you in the corporate world, 31 must seem like nothing. In a small suburban school district, 31 is huge. These types of lay-offs in schools are happening all over New York State- and I am sure all over in general. I think I am okay, I have 4 English teachers below me on the seniority list. However, there is a teacher on my team ( we teach on teams- one person per academic subject) who is pregnant. As pregnant as I would be if the FET worked. Yes, that was a fun announcement. Anyway, she is due in August. She has the least amount of seniority in her academic area in the whole district. She will most likely lose her job. Now, she may have what I want, a pregnancy, but where do you even go when you are a teacher due in August? How can you even go about looking for a job? And, there are no jobs! From what I gather, not working is not an option and they already have a child at home. It really gave me some perspective. I am jealous as hell that she is pregnant, but I think sometimes I equate one's ability to get pregnant with "wow, life is is easy for you." Not true. Everyone has it tough sometimes. I think it is time to start counting my blessings because I do have many.

So, how shall I put this...

2009-01-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have an appointment with my principal tomorrow to discuss my annual project that I have to do. Since getting appointments with principals can sometimes be like getting in to see the Wizard, I figured I would roll the conversation right into my upcoming IVF.

So I am in need of some good segues...

How about:

1. Yes, the new reading comprehension strategies we have been using have been quite successful. Unfortunately the baby- making strategies MH and I are using are not. I'll need some time off for IVF #2.

2. Yes, the project is coming along nicely. So, about my uterus.

3. Yes, some kids are still failing. Apparently, my ovaries are too.

Do you have any to suggest?

Seriously, I am torn between horror in the fact that I have to even discuss this with him, and a sense of can we PLEASE just get this incredibly AWKWARD conversation over with.

I really have no idea what I plan to say.

UGH.

Any advice?

hmmmm...

2009-01-26T15:36:00.000-08:00

I had hoped I would be more interesting today, but apparently I am not.

On a different note, I jinxed myself the other day by saying that I never get colds.

Guess what I have?

Weekend Update...

2009-01-24T17:44:00.000-08:00

I don't really have too much to report. Waiting on AF so I can start my BCPs for IVF #2.

I think I am feeling better about my SIL pregnancy situation. Well, to be honest, it was such a crazy week at work that I did not have too much time to think. This was a good thing.

Wasn't so great about going to the gym this week, but I did go today and will go tomorrow.

On a positive note, I have a GTG with some of my local infertile Myrtles tomorrow, so that should be fun.

This post is really boring and pointless. I am sorry if you read all the way through. There is about a minute of your life you won't get back.

I hope I am more interesting tomorrow.

A flood of emotions

2009-01-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Where to even begin. I have been a bad blogger, it has been a week since I last sat here to write.

In that time, the pregnancy announcement I have dreaded, has happened. My brother and SIL are pregnant. They were just married in August, she is mean sometimes, and they are both overweight and smoke like chimneys.

There, I got all of the bitchiness out.

Now, for the deeper emotions. Actually, I wonder how deep they really are when all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and scream, "WHY them and not us?!" I don't get it. We have been trying to have a baby since before they even knew each other. That just plain sucks. This announcement has simply rocked my world. I am not much of a crier, but I have been weeping for two days now.

Are you ready for the most horrible confession? Please do not lose all respect for me. But for 2 years I have been praying to my mother to watch over us and help us. I thought for sure she would be the angel on my side. I simply cannot believe it is my brother that gets her blessing; Who gets to conceive with such ease. And, with a woman who always finds a way to make insensitive comments about having children even though she knows of our struggles. She did this on Christmas . Oh how smug she was because she knew they were pregnant!

I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I "know" so many brave, strong women who have to struggle so much, yet for so many, getting pregnant is so easy. When will it be our time?

I guess I can avoid my brother for a little while, but since both of my parents are dead, my brothers are the only family that I have. And, this is my future niece or nephew. I feel like I am going to Hell for being so awful about this. But I simply cannot help it. I just don't have it in me to fake enthusiasm anymore. Almost 3 years of this shit has beat it out of me.

So, somehow I have to get myself right emotionally as I will begin BCPs for IVF #2 when AF arrives. Yes, IVF #2. And they get to just decide to have one and viola!

Areyoufuckingkiddingme?

Time heals all wounds; time wounds all heals

2009-01-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death. Two years ago tonight, around this time actually, my brothers and I were gathered around my mom's bed waiting for her to die. Her last week on this earth was so very awful. That is the part that I will never understand. My mom was the best person I ever met; my best friend. I will never get why she had to suffer so. I don't let myself think of that night too often, it just hurts too much. I am allowing myself tonight I suppose, then I will store that memory on the shelf until January 12th of next year. Sometimes the sense of loss and the amount that I miss her almost takes my breath away.

But, since my mom was not a wallowing type of gal, I decided, in her honor, to skip the cemetery, skip lighting a candle at church and I did something else. I got a massage. It was heavenly, so that must count for something. I would imagine she approves. Now, If I cap the night off with a rum and coke, she will be doing the Irish Jig up there.

There are some new developments on IVF #2, but that can wait. Tonight's for you, Ma. Slainte!

Resolution Rockstar....

2009-01-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

I am going to be a total AW here for a few minutes, which I suppose is okay since this is my blog.

As we are rounding the corner on three years trying to conceive, many of my resolutions this year are pretty specific to this cause. But, some changes are for the good of my mental health, which I sometimes wonder about since we are rounding the corner on three years TTC.

I have to admit, I am pretty proud of myself.

1. Caffeine. Tomorrow will be one week caffeine-free. In all seriousness, this was one of the hardest things to do- which is why I never gave it up completely for any of my other cycles. I cut back, did half and half, but I never cut it out. This is going to be my one big "something different" for my next IVF cycle. I sure hope it works, as the past week spent de-toxing was not pleasant for myself and those around me.

2. Better diet. For the most part, I have been good all week. I am trying to limit my carbs and just be more healthy in general. My real commitment here is to no more comfort eating. If I am feeling sad, bitter, (insert any of the emotions that IF makes you feel here) I am hitting the gym.

3. The gym. I only made it there 2 days this week. BUT, I am not beating myself up over this. The caffeine thing kicked my ass.... being on a treadmill with a lack of caffeine induced migraine was not going to help anything. I went yesterday and today, so I am starting the coming week right.

4. Coming out of my cocoon. This past year, I have not wanted to see, be around, or talk to anyone. I have wrapped my misery around me like a comfy blanket and settled in to stew and lament the fact that I ( no matter how hard both I and science try) am without child. I think I have seen more of my friends in the past week and a half then I did in the past 5 months. Pretty sad. Really sad, actually. Yesterday, R and I went to the movies and had a great lunch out. These are the things I need to be doing on a whim since we don't have kids. I need to remember that.

5. Blogging. I have been pretty faithful and this is really helpful. I am not sure who is reading, but getting it out certainly helps.

So, I am off to get some work done so I have time for #6, which is to read more!

Be careful what you wish for...

2009-01-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

Well, all of my hoping, praying and snow dancing paid off, we had a snow day today. I suppose an ice day might be a more appropriate name!

I was initially thrilled to get my 5:15 call, telling me that I had the day free. Somewhere between the call and 10:00, things changed. My husband's district only delayed, so he had to go in, which meant I was left to my own devices all day. Normally, I cherish the times when I have our very tiny home all to myself, but today the aloneness left me feeling, well, alone.

I could not shake the melancholy feeling I had all day. More irksome is the fact that I could not pinpoint where it was coming from. Well, I have my suspicions, but admitting it means I am not doing as well as I thought.

Next week, Monday to be exact, will mark the 2 year "anniversary" of my mom's passing. For about a half a year after, I was just numb. Then I was just an angry, inconsolable mess. Now, unless you were my husband, you probably wouldn't have known that, as I am a master of disguise, but there was an inescapable hole in my world that left me reeling. This last year though, I have been handling things really well. The holidays were actually fine this year; it just seemed that things were different, better. Today just sort of snuck up on me.

I hate when that happens.

I've got nothing...

2009-01-06T17:02:00.001-08:00

Well, it is day 2 with no caffeine and I am here ( and made it past 7:30 which was my bedtime last night), so I suppose this is progress!

I am desperately hoping for a snow day tomorrow, or at least a delay. I am so greedy, we just got back from break.

On a different note, I have a friend who received some bad news today. If you can spare a few thoughts and prayers for her, it would be much appreciated.

When the withdrawal symptoms subside, or at least the headache, I will post something more substantial.

I am off to do the "Snow Dance"!

Brevity is the soul of wit...

2009-01-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

IHO of good old Billy Shakespeare, I will make tonight's post short and sweet. I must also add that there will most likely be no wit.

So, today was the first day back. And, no it was not nearly as difficult as I imagined it from 11:30 until 3:00 this morning. Yes, that is correct, I got NO sleep last night. So that coupled with my first day of no caffeine, means I am flat out exhausted. The caffeine part was rough, I am not going to lie. Apparently, I am an addict. This is going to be rougher than I imagined. Sigh, hopefully this is all for a good cause.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I can muster the energy to be a bit more profound.

Anticipation...

2009-01-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

So, after 12 glorious days off, I must go back to school tomorrow. I woke up with that familiar pit in my stomach this morning , anticipating the end of vacation. It is not that I don't like my job, I love it actually, it is just sometimes when you have been away from something for awhile, the return is often fraught with mixed emotions. I do take comfort in the fact that the anticipation is usually more difficult than the event itself.

I wish that this was all that was on my mind. You see, AF showed today. While this is never fun ( and yes, there was a small part of me that deluded myself into thinking that since I paid no attention to my cycle, I would miraculously get pregnant), I now need to make a decision as to when I am going to cycle again. Now that AF is here, I have a better idea of what my time-frame would be like, so I have to weigh my options ( considering some work events) in terms of cycling in Feb v. March. Here comes that familiar pit. This break has been good for me, but returning is hard.

I also need to talk to my principal, as this will be my first time doing a fresh IVF during the school year. He is a great guy, but this is a conversation that I never thought I would have with my male boss and quite frankly, I am feeling a little resentful that I even have to have it.

So, tonight anticipation is getting the better of me. But the anticipation is usually more difficult than the actual events, right?

A different kind of WTF appointment...

2009-01-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

As we will be cycling in March, I am really trying to take the time to get myself uber healthy. Not that I am un-healthy, per-se, but I just want to change things up before this next IVF. Call me superstitious, but I want to do things differently; you know, shed a few pounds, go to the gym, try wheatgrass, *gasp* cut out ALL coffee.

So in the spirit of change, I made an appointment with an old friend in which I have often had a love-hate relationship: My scale.

I disrobed, took a deep breath, and stepped on.

And, well, WTF, indeed!!!!

In the time we have been married ( a little over 3 years), I have put on 25 pounds. 25!!!!!

That is insane. That is what people gain when they ARE pregnant, not trying to get pregnant!

This was a wake-up call. I have known that I put on weight; many of my older clothes do not fit. But this is just sad.

Just like when I leave my real WTF appointments, I refuse to feel defeated. I feel nothing but utter resolve to make this work.

Keepin' up the resolutions!

2009-01-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

Here I am again- day 2 of blogging! This is a good year for resolutions so far. I got up and went to the gym today AND I am writing an entry!

So... in the world Un-related to IF, we have the mother of all renovations currently going on in our ONE bathroom. This is day 2 of which I have no shower in my BR ( I am not that gross... I did go to MIL's to shower.) Now, this started as a "let's tile the bathroom" project. It then became a lets get a new tub project ( I am sure you can see where this is going...)

All I know is in an effort to get this new tub in, 3 of the 4 walls in my bathroom, my sink and my vanity are no longer there. Thank goodness my husband and his uncle are patient people as they are doing this themselves. This has been a bit difficult though since I was blessed with a bladder the size of a pea. Did I mention we only have ONE bathroom?...

I suppose I owe you a little background info. Currently we are in a holding pattern waiting to cycle again for IVF #2. I have to wait to get back to work after break to work out some scheduling issues. I really want to cycle in February, but it looks like it most likely going to be March. The rest of our history is as follows:

2 rounds of clomid with OB- BFN
2 Clomid IUI with RE- BFN
1 Follistim IUI- BFN
IVF #1: 14 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized normally. We transferred 2 on a 5 day transfer and froze 7. This resulted in a C/P in which it took a month ( and about 15 trips to the RE for blood work) for my beta to go back to zero.
FET#1: Lost ALL but 2 embryos in the thaw. This was devastating- far more than the ensuing BFN.

So, for now, I am going to take this time to go to the gym, start taking wheatgrass pills, and give up coffee. Yes, this is new year's resolution #3- no more coffee. I many not need IVF #2 as this resolution could quite possibly kill me or cause a divorce. We shall see....

2009-01-01T05:55:00.001-08:00

Happy 2009!

So, one of my resolutions this year is to get this blog up and running. After many false starts, I am committed to doing this. I have notebooks I have filled with journal entries about our IF journey. After reading what so many other women were willing to share about their experiences, I realized I was being somewhat selfish not sharing mine. If this can help one person the way so many others have helped me, I'll be happy.

So, in the effort to just dip my toe in, I will write another post later that chronicles the journey thus far.

Happy New Year to all!

2008-08-08T19:19:00.001-07:00