Is this thing on?

Well, it's been a while, my friends! To say we've been busy is an understatement. I am going to be a better blogger from now on, but here are a few tidbits about what is going on :

I have a happy, healthy SEVEN month old! I simply cannot believe it.

I returned to work and am now trying hard to find that delicate balance ...

I am once again battling the bulge. I did not put on much pregnancy weight due to my HG, but I sure had fun packing on the pounds after D got here!

Well, that is all for tonight. I am exhausted and have a little man that is quite the early riser.

Will post soon!

The Juggling Act...

Well, I got my first taste today of what it is like to be a working mom. I had to go into work today to do some curriculum writing with my colleagues. At first I was dreading going, more so because I am absolutely exhausted, and was not quite sure how I was going to function.

What I hated:

D was still sleeping when I left. As he was precariously sleeping on R on the glider in the nursery, I only gave him a light kiss on the head. Seeing my two boys sitting there tugged at the old heart strings and made me want to say "screw it" and stay home with my new little family. I hate that I was not there when he got up. I hate that I did not get to play with him at all in the morning.

I felt really guilty leaving R "on duty" for most of the day. That sounds so silly as R is more than capable and willing and is such a great dad... but I could not shake the guilt. Now, when R goes back to school in September, I will be on duty all the time until I go back in October... but , I don't know... this just made me feel guilty for some reason.

Being away from my boy all day. It was so weird. This little creature only really came into my life a mere 4 weeks ago... but, it is hard to remember a time when he was not here and the center of the universe!

R went to MIL's house to catch a nap, which was good as it gave MIL some alone time with D. They were there when I was leaving work, so MIL encouraged me to go home and rest for a bit. I did go home rather than stop by there, just so that I could get things prepared for the night and do the little work I needed to do for tomorrow ( Ihave to go to work again). I HATED how quiet the house was! When D and R finally came home, I was waiting at the door like a puppy!

What I loved:

Honestly, getting out of the house. I am not going to lie, being tied to the house for so many hours a day can get a bit maddening. Our Pedi is pretty old school and does not want D in public places until he has had his month shots, so that really limits our outings Also, with poor D's tummy troubles affecting his temperament , I am not really confident enough yet to venture far anyway.

Thinking about something other than baby "stuff". I really love my job. I love teaching. We have taken on an initiative where we are really overhauling the curriculum, and it felt great to take on a different type of challenge today . I love my co- workers and it was great to see them.

Feeling confident. I will readily admit that when it comes to D and being a mom, most moments I don't know what the Hell I am doing. It is all a series of trial and error. Sure, some things have gotten easier, but I am 36 years old and pretty established in my life. I am not used to feeling so lost. It has been quite the humbling experience to admit that I am completely clueless and that I have so much to learn. It was nice to be in a place where I felt like I "knew what I was doing."

But, the getting to work today was quite the juggling act. I can only imagine how hard it is going to be when both R and I are back to work. But emotionally, it was really a juggling act. How do you do it all? How do you have a career and still be a great mom? I was exhausted by the time the evening rolled around. I do not want to be "that parent" who has no energy for her kid at the end of the day... so how will I do it? How will I maintain balance? How will I get my schoolwork done in the evening as I always have take home work? How will R and I find time together? How will I carve out a few moments for myself?

I don't know... I don't know if there are even any answers to these questions. I also suspect I am not the only one asking them. How do you keep all of the balls in the air?, so to speak...

sigh...

Underestimating

I think underestimating is probably my new favorite word. Or, at the very least , it is what I have been doing the most of over the course of the last few weeks.

I am not sure if every new mom feels this way, or that after suffering from years of infertility, I romanticized the idea of pregnancy and motherhood so much, that when things got bumpy, I was wholly unprepared. I felt this way when saddled with hyperemesis. I am feeling this way now as I am finding my way as a new mom.

When D first came home from the hospital, he was a happy, sleepy boy ( as I suspect most newborns are). We were home for exactly 5 days until all hell broke loose. It was a Friday ( which we still refer to as "that Friday" as we shudder in remembrance) We had been at MIL's house. We got home, D woke up in his car seat. It was 7:00. He started crying , nope scratch that, he started SCREAMING, and he did not stop until 2:30 Saturday morning. We tried everything. EVERYTHING. This type of screaming went on for the next several days. Even though my baby was a mere week old, I knew these were screams of pain. In that moment I also knew that I had completely underestimated just how hard motherhood really is. He would cry and I would cry. To see my boy in pain brought me the worst pain I have ever known. By Tuesday, we were off to the pediatrician. We added Mylicon, reflux meds, and made a switch to soy. These changes seem to be helping a bit, but now D is constipated, so I fear another switch may be in the future. I long so very much to just make things right and comfortable for him. I suspect this is the first of many times that I will wish that I could take on his pain for him.

I am no stranger to having "extra" hormones running through my body. I have shot up with so much "stuff" over the years that I thought I would be able to better handle the post-partum hormonal phase. Truth be told, as I battled some depression during my pregnancy ( due to being so sick) I was a little nervous about PPD, but again, I completely underestimated the range of emotions I would feel. After about three days, I started to get a bit weepy, but what I did not expect was the gripping anxiety I would feel. Now, I am a worrier by nature, I am anal, I am a planner and admittedly I get uptight when things do not go according to plan. However, I have never been an anxious person, and oh my, I became riddled with it. I think I went over a week and a half with out ever really sleeping. I could not eat, I could not sit still, being in the house and hearing D cry made me anxious, leaving for a little while made me even more so. There were points when I truly felt as if a 100 pound weight was sitting on my chest; I simply could not breathe. I am still terribly anxious, but it is not nearly as severe as it had been. To say I felt like I had been blind-sided is a huge understatement.

This next thought may seem awful, but did not expect to have fleeting moments of missing my old life. Infertility, and the pain associated with it aside, R and I have led a pretty charmed life. We are pretty financially stable, we are both teachers used to having our summers off where we would vacation, float around the pool and have cocktails pool-side when we felt like it. There were many lazy summer afternoon naps in the shade, dinners out, and if I had the urge to treat myself to a pedicure, well... I just went and got one. Now, don't get me wrong. I would not trade motherhood for anything in the world. NEVER. I just did not expect to even momentarily feel like I was missing out. Come to find out, in many conversations with friends, pretty much everyone has had those moments of "what the hell did we do to our life?" It just seems that no one ever talks about it. Well, I am talking about it and it makes me feel guilty as hell, but it is the truth.

My final underestimation is love. And using the word love in itself is an underestimation. We all love our children- that I was prepared for. But what I feel for D when I peer over him as he peacefully sleeps in his crib, or when he looks up at my face while I am feeding him, or I pick him up and he turns his head to the sound of my voice- love is just a fraction of what I feel. When I see my husband rock , sing, and read to our boy, what I feel towards my husband and our new family- love does not even begin to cut it. I did not expect to feel such powerful, all encompassing emotions. My two men- one big and one very small truly mean everything to me.

Welcome to the World, Daniel Patrick!

It has been a little over three weeks, so I thought I would finally post the little man's birth story! :)

On Wednesday, July 7th, we arrived at the hospital at around 9:00. We checked in, I got changed and hooked up to the IV and the monitors- it was always a relief to hear the baby's heart beating away. R and I just kind of hung out and watched a little TV and it was such a weird feeling as we both knew these were our last moments together as just the two of us and it was my last few moments of having my little guy all to myself - without having to share him with the world. As rough as my pregnancy was, and as happy as I was to meet my man, it was very bittersweet.

The anesthesiologist came in to explain the spinal block they would give me, and how it would affect me, etc. Around 10:30, my doctor came in to see me. Rick changed into his scrubs and we were getting ready to go!

They wheeled me into the OR- I have had surgery plenty of times, but for some reason, this seemed so completely overwhelming. They set me up and gave me the spinal block- it pinched going in, but was not really a very big deal. Then, of course, just one last time... I puked! It actually made me laugh... I seriously was sick right up to the bitter end!

I felt myself start to go numb, that was actually a bit surreal. They then allowed R in and he came and sat by me and held my hand. I knew the procedure started as I could feel pressure and tugging, but I felt no pain. That was also a bit wild.

Finally I heard my doctor say, " I see an ear!" and then I heard the most beautiful sound ... my sweet boy's cries. They held him up for me to see and R and I both just started to cry. Then, every single person in the room commented on how big my boy was... it was hysterical! R went over with them as they weighed and cleaned the baby and I must have asked him a million times if the baby was okay. And he was... he is absolutely perfect.

At exactly 11:19 am on Wednesday, July 7th, 9lbs and 8 ounces of joy forever changed the way I will look at this world. I am a mother, R is a father. We are a family of three. I have all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..

41w1d

A little over 4 years ago, my husband and I decided to start a family. We approached, I think like most couples, with nervous excitement and anticipation. We had the name conversations, wondered who are future child would look like, figured out what the due date would be each month that we tried....

In our minds, it was a new beginning. We were ready to leave behind our carefree days and start the family both of us have always wanted. We had finally found each other, we were blissfully in love... it was time.

It sounds like such a cliche, but if I only knew then what I would learn about life, about my faith, about my marriage, and myself.

The months of anticipation and excitement soon turned into months filled with angst, and worry, and sheer frustration. R and I were never much for fighting, but when the stress of not getting pregnant month after month really hit, we were at each other's throats.

After much discussion, and us finally being on the same page, we sought the help of a fertility specialist, and found a renewed sense of hope and once again felt that nervous anticipation and excitement.

It sounds like such a cliche, but if I only knew then what I would learn about life, about my faith, about my marriage, and myself.

Over the course of the next 2 1/2 years, I swallowed countless pills. I saw the look of sheer terror and sadness on my husband's face as he stuck me with more needles than I can even count at this point. I 've seen such protective sadness on his face after countless failed procedures. I've seen almost child-like sheer joy on his face when I told him he was going to be a father- only to have that look turn to horror when two weeks later, in the middle of the night, they wheeled me away from him as I was rushed into emergency surgery for my ectopic. Two weeks later, I saw fear and defeat on his face as , after we lost the 2nd baby, they wheeled me away from him for my D&C.

I, myself, have questioned my God and my faith. I questioned my strength. In some ways I questioned my marriage as I would often wonder, if R married someone else, would he be a dad right now? I've looked in the mirror at my own face and wondered who is this person who looks so tired and worn out and sad? What happened? How did something so joyous, like starting a family, turn into such heartache? Did I even ever know it was possible to cry so many tears?

So, here I sit, over 4 years later... and in a few short hours , I will leave for the hospital, but this time for a different reason. I am going to meet my son. These past 4 years have taught me so very much. I really know what true love is. R and I have such a bond, such a special type of closeness, that only such tragedy can forge. I suspect that later on today, I am going to learn a new, very special type of love.

I know the days, and the months, and the years ahead will present their own type of new challenges. But I now know how strong we both are-individually and as a unit. And I know for sure, I have a deeper faith than I thought possible.

I am scared as I sit and write this. I pray that all goes well and we have a healthy baby. I pray that I make it through delivery okay. I feel a tinge of sadness to know that the secret language of kicks and pokes will be no more. But mostly, I feel amazed that today, there is an end and a beginning. Hopefully an end to the years of waiting and sadness and a new beginning as we start our life as a family of three.

I am not sure of the name of the emotion I will see on R's face today as the doctor hands us our son, but I can tell you that I can't wait to see it. Because in that moment, I will know that every needle stick, every tear, every doubt, every crushing blow, every fear, every doctor visit, every moment of longing.... it will all have been worth it as today, two things I have wanted so very badly will happen: I will make my beautiful, sweet husband a father, and I will be a mom.

Almost 37 weeks and a nursery update!

36w6d

Went to the doctor today. My little guy is in the right postition, but I have made no progress yet. And, he apparently is HUGE, which is kinda funny since I have barely been able to eat this pregnant!

We have made some nice progress on the nursery. I still need to order wall letter for over the crib and am waiting for my curtain panels to come in.

Here are some pics!

29w5d - Shower day! :)

I was a bit of a blog slacker this week. It was a busy week at school and the exhaustion is really starting to set in, big time! I have had to take a nap every day when I got home from school. It hasn't even felt like: "oh... I think I'll lay down." It has been like: "If I don't lay down, I am going to die!" I know part of it is getting bigger and further along in my pregnancy and part of it is the anemia, so I am just trying as best as I can to listen to my body when I feel like that. I have also found that when I let myself get over-tired, the nausea is even worse. Like last night- last night was not a good night at all. I was up all night :(

But, onto happy things.... I took this pic on Tuesday, at 29 weeks, but I did not have a chance to post, so here goes- the ever growing belly!

And onto even happier things... today is my shower! :) I still am in awe that I am going to walk into my shower today and people will be there for my little guy! I swear, sometimes I will be at work and I will look down, or I will walk past a mirror and catch a glimpse of my belly, and I still can't believe that this is real. For so many years, I hoped and prayed for the miracle of carrying a child and I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. I honestly could sit here and cry when I think about it... woops, and now I am! I have a feeling that there will be a few break- downs today! I will say, the one thing that will be missing today is my mom. She would be just SO thrilled to be celebrating our little guy. I miss her everyday, but as I get closer to having the baby, and on special days like today, the sadness is just so close to the surface. I know she is here- but I would give anything for her to be there to give me a hug and say congratulations.

So, it is bound to be an emotional day... but an absolutely beautiful one as well. I am a lucky, lucky girl.