3 pounds!

I weighed in last night.. and I lost 3 pounds!

At first I was a bit disappointed, but I have to cut myself some slack- I had surgery on Friday and literally laid on the couch for 3 days straight.  So, I'll take it!

R and I went for a nice, long walk by the river today- it felt awesome.  Since I have not been able to exercise since Feb., I figured for the next few days, I will just walk and start off slow.  

By Monday, though, back at the gym!  My 30 Day Shred came today.  So, I'll start that on Monday, too!

Skinny jeans.... here I come!

Moving Forward...

   Well, today was hopefully the last page in what has been a very harrowing chapter of my life.  We had our D&C today.  It went smoothly; I am crampy and tired, but after the invasiveness of the past month, it was somewhat uneventful.  

     Seeing as I have already been grieving the loss of this pregnancy and both of my beans, today truly came as a relief.  I was disappointed that my body refuse to miscarry naturally, but I trust that my Dr. did the best he could to minimize scarring and the positive is that we can have the tissue tested.  In a few weeks, we will get the results and we will go for other testing to hopefully give us some answers.  I am sure I will still have some bad days, but now I am hoping they will be fewer than the good and we can begin to heal and move forward.  

   On a funny note.. as levity always helps a bad situation, the hospital where I had the procedure was far swankier than any nice hotel I have ever frequented!  We were cracking up!  I had my own private room for before and for recovery, fully equipped with a TV, my own bathroom and a comfy chair for R!  It was hysterical, we did not want to leave!

   And since we are focusing on positives, I am 3 days in on Jenny Craig.  I am not sure if I have lost any weight, it is hard to tell as I still have a lot of hormone bloat.  But, I am really liking the food- both taste and selection.  I am a little hungry at times, but I suppose that is what normal human portions will do to you! LOL! I will go back on Tuesday for next week's food and to get weighed, so we'll see if there has been any progress.  I am also happy that my RE said I could be back at the gym as early as next week!  About this, I am thrilled.

    We are also moving forward with plans for our trip to California.  I am pretty excited.  I think we have settled on San Fran and Sonoma.  I am beyond excited- particularly about all the wine I get to drink.  One perk of not being pregnant!

    It just feels good to have some positive things to focus on.  And that they are things that are purely for me.  I was so positive at the start of this last cycle, and I poured all of my energy into it ( which I do not regret), but this is just different.  Selfishly, I just want some time to be me again.  To worry about my body being healthy and fit, not about wether I am responding well to drugs or retrieving enough eggs.  I look so forward to spending time with R- out of our own space where we are free to be that carefree couple that once only worried about what our weekend plans would be.  I long for simplicity in my life; simplicity I have not had in 3 long years.  

    And when we return from our altered state of reality, I think we will be better equipped both mentally and physically to decide what our next steps will be.  There is a lot of letting go I need to do- of both my past and my perceived future.  Once we do that, I think we will make the best and healthiest decision for us both.  

   So for now, I will let myself feel whatever I need to feel in order to heal and to finally move forward. 

     

This is all new to me.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Physically, I am still pretty tired and have had a pretty constant headache all week ( which I am assuming is attributed to hormones).  But, emotionally, I was in an okay place yesterday. R and I  had some wine last night, watched TV together and called it an early night.  I was even fine when I got up this morning.  We headed out to run a few errands and

BAM

I just wanted to go home.  My head hurt, My heart hurt, I was exhausted and I just wanted to curl up in bed.  We were supposed to see my nieces and nephew today who are up from Long Island.  They are staying with my other brother and SIL who live locally. I called my brother and cancelled.  R brought me home and I have just spent one of the most gorgeous days of the year in bed.  Curled up in the dark, sleeping.  

Now, I have a counseling degree.  Rationally ,and according to all of my textbooks, I know much of today's episode was sparked by the fact that I would have to spend time with my SIL.  This is difficult for 2 reasons:  She is pregnant and she is obnoxious about it. 

But there is a larger picture here that I know I don't want to admit to; I am depressed. Truly depressed.  I know I have been through a lot, I know that physically and mentally I am still healing, but I really hate feeling this way.  

I keep trying to remember if I felt this way after my mom died.  I think during her illness, I was just consumed with trying to make her feel better and to make preparations, etc.  As her last few weeks were so awful,  I was actually relieved when she passed; at least I knew she was no longer in pain.  I know I had my fair share of dark days that came months after she passed, but honestly, I don't ever remember feeling this bad.  

I think part of what I am having an incredibly hard time with, and I apologize as this is a very morbid thought, but I am still walking around with a child that has died inside my body.  I spoke to my RE and he feels a D&C  is the best course of action.  He told me to take the weekend to think it over and call him next week.  I am torn.  I want this over with, and with a D&C we can have to tissue tested, which is a benefit.  But I am petrified of scarring.  It takes so much for us to get pregnant, I am just so scared of putting any more roadblocks in the way.  I am also upset that my body shows no signs of miscarrying naturally; just one more way my body seems to be failing me.

I just want to feel better.  I know time will help, but I am so scared.  What is scaring me is that I feel like I have no hope left.  After 2 IVFs and 3 miscarriages, I am petrified that we will never have kids. 

I know I have been through a lot in my life.  But this horrible feeling of despair, well, this is all new to me.

Blah....

Yup.. that about sums it up.

I am in a bad, dark place today.

I know it will get better, rationally, I know it will.

But it is hard to imagine it will.

I just keep praying for strength.

Distractions...

Well, I went back to work yesterday. Even though I am absolutely exhausted, it felt good to go back.  I think mentally, I needed to get out of my house.  

Physically, I am feeling.. okay.  My stomach has been a bit of a mess and I am still sore.  I guess I still just feel off.  

It is such a bizarre feeling to just be waiting to miscarry.  I have no idea if it will even happen naturally, but it is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

R and I would really like to take a weekend trip away.  I found this awesome Inn and Spa that I would like us to go to, I am just afraid to even make any plans.  

So, it is supposed to be a beautiful day tomorrow and R was awesome enough to take and clean off all of the lawn furniture, so I am going to sit outside tomorrow with my new book and try to enjoy the little things. 

Numbness

Today we found out that we were actually pregnant with twins.  One we lost last week due to an ectopic pregnancy.   At my ultrasound today, we discovered we have a pregnancy in my uterus as well.  Unfortunately, the little bean does not stand a chance.  It is measuring a week behind, the heart rate is slow and the yolk sac is abnormally large- most likely due to some genetic/chromosomal abnormality. My Dr. is 99.9% sure that we will miscarry this pregnancy as well.

Now, we wait and hope that I miscarry naturally.  If not, it will mean yet another surgery. 

We just sit and wait for my other little bean to die.

Inside of one pregnancy attempt, I am having 2 miscarriages.  Inside of 8 months, I will have had 3 losses.

I am numb. 

Rough day...

Today has been a tough one. I still don't feel physically great.  I am running a low fever and have a heck of a headache.  I just wish I felt better physically; I know that would help me mentally.  

I feel kind of lost today.  I keep thinking that we are supposed to be so happy right now and so in love with our little bean.  God, I have been through a lot, but this, this is tough.  

I don't want to weep anymore- I just want to feel better.