FET is tomorrow

And I feel a mixture of emotions. There is a strange part of me that feels like everything will be okay this time. Then there is the part of me that is scared to death.

But I have to try, right? NOT trying would be worse, right?

No matter how much I try to down play this all, the truth is, I want this so badly.

If you can spare any extra thoughts, please send them my way.

Thanks.

Oddly Calm...

The eve of the eve of our FET and I am feeling oddly calm.

I am not sure why. Perhaps all of the drama that has happened thus far in our journey has taken away a lot of the unknowns. Many of the worst-case-scenarios have already happened. Perhaps it is our turn for a happy ending.

Hope so.

FET # 2 is on!

I have two words:

Holy Crap.

Always a bridesmaid...

Before R and I met, I had already been a bridesmaid something like 10 times. I was always happy with my life during these times, but I know I muttered many a "always the bridesmaid; never a bride" to myself- Usually while sitting in a dress that never quite fit right.

Well, this week, I became an aunt... for the 5th time.

I love my new niece to pieces. I really am over any bitterness towards my SIL ( see blog posts in January for reference), and I am over the fact that R and I have been TTC since before brother and SIL even knew each other( well, okay, I am mostly over that), and that they were going to use our boy name ( thank goodness they had a girl!)

But... that familiar feeling, that oh-so-familiar feeling, of life moving forward for every one else... seems to be ever-present lately.

I feel like I am still sitting here in my ugly, steel- gray bridesmaid dress.

Always an aunt...

Another IF lesson: normal is relative.

I think at various times in our lives, we look to the world outside and compare ourselves, our lives and the like to get a sense for what is normal.

Last week, we got the results of our Karyotyping and RPL testing.

The results: normal.

3 miscarriages, 3 IVFs, and still no child... but we're normal!

I can't help but take a look at the world around me and think that it is nuts to even use the world normal when talking about us and our situation.

When I was younger, I thought that at age 35 it would be normal to be married, have a house, and have a few kids.

Instead, shots, egg retrievals and miscarriages are the norm.

So, I have learned yet another lesson for this mess: IF has defined a new kind of normal for me.

What we consider normal certainly is relative.

Really, really tough day.

Well, you kind of know it is not going to be a good day when the first thing you do in the morning is look for a copy of your mother's death certificate.

I had to go back to my hometown yesterday to take care of some accounts at my mom's bank that, for whatever reason, were still open. I was annoyed as I thought I had taken care of this two years ago. When my mother got sick, she put my name on her accounts to make things easier for bill paying, etc. Since they were in my name, I was the lucky one who had to take care of it.

As I wanted to get to the gym and go to my acupuncture before I headed up, I checked online to see the branch hours. I saw that her branch had moved locations and that it is now on one of the main roads very close to where her house was. I knew where to head, and figured it would be easy to spot the bank when I got here.

So... I get there.... and I find the bank.

****interruption for a little back story for those that do not know*****

I have a brother who was a firefighter and who was killed in the line of duty. It was in a restaurant that was on a main road not too far from my mom's house ( do you see where I am going, yet?)

So, I pull into the bank... the bank that was recently built on the spot where my brother lost his life. Now, the lot that now houses the bank has been vacant for 20+ years since the fire. I have driven past this lot a million times.

But... how ironic is it that the first time I have pulled in and walked close to where the tragedy took place, I was doing so with my mother's death certificate in hand.

I hate to feel sorry for myself.... but sometimes the ridiculousness that is my life... it is like it is a bad movie that no one actually wants to watch because the plot is too unbelievable.

Of course the bank wound up being a hassle, it is still not settled and I am expecting a phone call again today with person from the bank, so I can once again, re-hash the fact that my mother is dead.

So, I figured I would cap off the misery with a drive past my mom's house ( that we sold last summer) and a trip to the cemetery.

I guess the silver lining was that I got to have dinner with a dear, dear friend who still lives in that area.

Bottom line: I really miss my mom. She was such a good egg.

Bliss...

We really needed this.

As much as I adored our trip to California, It always takes a trip to the beach to restore my soul.

That may sound so cheesy, but there is something about the beach, it works like magic for me.

It calms and soothes.

I have barely been on the computer, barely watched TV and barely thought about IF... well, barely anyway! ;)

We are here with the whole family, and all of the kids, so every now and again, R and I will get that old familiar feeling of longing, but we have been having SO much fun with all of the kids.

Hope all of you are well.