A lot to be thankful for...

I have been so miserable with my "all day" morning sickness, that I don't feel like I have been as grateful as I should be for this little bean growing in my belly. Due to said sickness, I missed Thanksgiving yesterday and I spent it on the couch. But, even though I was not feeling well, I got teary-eyed thinking how lucky I am.

We have a 10 week appointment with my OB ( first one with the OB!) this coming Thursday. I can't wait to see our bean again. I just pray that everything is okay. I am actually really nervous.

In other news, I started Zofran for the sickness. In many ways, it has helped tremendously. I was warned that it causes extreme constipation. Well... my body has clearly always been a freak... so I have, um, the opposite problem.

I guess one way or another... I am destined to spend a great deal of this pregnancy in my bathroom! LOL!

Feeling guilty...

I feel so blessed that we have made it this far in this pregnancy. Particularly with our weird betas and the bleeding scare of last weekend. I still can't believe this is my life.

But, I am sick. Really sick. I never deluded myself into thinking that just because I suffered from IF that I would not hate feeling sick, but now that it is happening, I feel guilty. On the one hand, I am really glad that I feel something... it is reassuring.

But, I have rotated between the couch, the bathroom, and my bed... since Thursday night. I could not stop throwing up long enough to get my act together to go to work on Friday.

Last night, I was so violently ill, I seriously think that I pulled a muscle getting sick.

Nothing helps and I can't keep anything down. I keep obsessing over dehydrating and the massive headache I have tells me that I am on my way.

I feel like the only thing I should feel is joy... and I do... but I feel so guilty that I feel so miserable.

Disbelief....

We went for our u/s today...

and we have a beautiful little bean that is measuring perfectly. We were able to see and hear the heartbeat... that was so amazing.

I am still scared to death... and know we have a long road ahead of us....

but for now...

I am pregnant. :)

Spotting

Ugh. What a day. I started spotting this morning. At first bright red and then brownish. I called the RE and he said that this is not much they can do. He said to take it easy today and to come in tomorrow if I am still spotting. I am also cramping pretty badly.

I am so pissed at myself for even having the tiniest bit of hope. When we saw the sac last u/s, I really was starting to think we had a chance- despite our screwy #s.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure how this is going to end- with more heartache.

Oy.

I am honestly a bit of a wreck. I usually handle myself better in stressful situations, but it has become increasingly obvious to me how much I want THIS pregnancy.

I am so, so scared that we are going to once again walk out of that u/s room on Tuesday, completely devastated and wondering what the heck to do next. I am not sure how I will begin to handle it.

I do have to say, I have been plagued by daily nausea. My ride to work each day has happened with a plastic "just in case bag" on my lap.

With my luck, this is not morning sickness, but the damn flu.

I had to walk to school, uphill both ways, in the snow... with NO shoes.

I swear.... I feel like that is what TTC is like for those of us suffering from IF.

There are so many steps, it is exhausting.

First you try something that is as least invasive as possible.

Then if that does not work, you get more aggressive.

Then the way you define happiness becomes screwy... many "normal" women get happy when they are pregnant. We think: WOW, I got three follies for my IUI. It did not work, but it was still a good cycle.

Or: WOW: we got 15 eggs! I did not get pregnant, but at least I have a few frozen embies!

or, like last week: Well, there is a pregnancy in your uterus. We can't tell much more. You will have to wait two more agonizing weeks and we will see if there is a heart beat. Me: Well, at least it is not another ectopic, so I am really happy.

Seriously? I am really happy that I have a "Maybe" pregnancy?

WTH? That is ridiculous.

I just want to be normal.

Every step in this process feels like walking uphill both ways. Yesterday I was encouraged because I gagged and almost threw up while driving to work. I *think* I am feeling some morning sickness (Or, I want to be pregnant so badly, I am making myself sick).

But, encouragement soon faded when I got the call that my progesterone had dropped and I had to up my PIO ( which I have seemed to develop an allergic reaction to, BTW).

I am tired.

I just want to know.

Tick, Tock...

Well... we went in on Tuesday for an u/s and we were able to see the sac with a yolk sac. RE said it was too early for anything else.

So...

Now we wait until 8 weeks for another u/s to hopefully see a strong little heart beat.

I am torn between feeling relived about having another week and a half until I know

and feeling like I am going to go nuts until I know.

This is awful.

Tick, tock...