Wednesday, July 29, 2009


We really needed this.
As much as I adored our trip to California, It always takes a trip to the beach to restore my soul.
That may sound so cheesy, but there is something about the beach, it works like magic for me.
It calms and soothes.

I have barely been on the computer, barely watched TV and barely thought about IF... well, barely anyway! ;)

We are here with the whole family, and all of the kids, so every now and again, R and I will get that old familiar feeling of longing, but we have been having SO much fun with all of the kids.

Hope all of you are well.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dark day.

I have not had a day like this in awhile.

The day started out terribly when I got BOTH of my hands stuck in the garage door this morning. That sucked. Then I did not go to my yoga class because, let's face it, it is a little hard to downward dog when you can't use your hands. The gym has been my savior these past few months and I think I really needed to go today.

I have also been fighting with R since basically Friday night. He did something stupid and I can't seem to let it go. I got pissed off all over again today... and a very one-sided fight ensued wherein I hurled a Yankee Candle across the room. WTF? First of all, that is crazy. Secondly, those things are not cheap.

I don't know. I got my period last week, and I think I was delusional enough to think perhaps that I could be lucky enough to get that miracle break BFP.

I just feel like this is never going to happen for us.

I wonder what people who do not have all kinds of crazyshit wrong with their lives do with all of the free time they must have while they are not driving themselves crazy.

Sigh. today, I just want to pull the covers over my head and tell the world to go away.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sigh... All good things must come to an end.

Since I saw a few back to school commercials already... in JULY, I am starting to feel as if I am talking about my summer vacation!

but, I am not. We are headed back to the RE Thursday, I called and made the appointment yesterday.

Living in denial has been quite pleasant these past few months, but I know it is time for us to figure out what we are going to do. I guess.

I love my RE and his whole office, but the thought of walking in just makes my stomach drop. After everything that happened this spring, I am know I am just going to be flooded with painful reminders.

But we all know, this is what needs to be done.

On a positive note, I "attended" a Resole teleconference last Thursday on setting up a local support group. I think I am going to do it! I am just waiting for them to send me some more of the paperwork. I am so excited that perhaps my struggle may actually help someone else- then I know there has been a reason for all of this.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

God, please let things be different next year.

I feel like I utter this phrase often when I have yearly events to attend- holidays, birthdays, etc.
I always think.. okay, but this time next year we will either be pregnant or have a baby.

Today is one of those days.

We have our niece's birthday party today.
I can remember when we got together for her birthday last year, I was nearing the end of the 2ww of my first IVF. I thought for sure we would have a baby by this year's party.

So... I will utter the wish, yet again, as we drive to the party today.

Please.... won't you listen?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Just in case...

You were wondering... still did not call the RE today.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

You know what stinks?

I should be 20 weeks pregnant. I should be able to rub my adorable belly. I should be half-way through my pregnancy.

I also chickened out and did not call the RE yesterday.


Monday, July 6, 2009

Back to reality....

Okay... so I have to do a few things today that will be a reality check:

1. Go back to the gym. Actually, I was really good while we were away; I went to the hotel's gym 5 out of the 7 days we were away. Also, we walked all over SF- I would pick the street with the largest hills to walk up. I though R was going to kill me. I like the gym, so this is not really that bad- I just did not go all weekend and now have to start up again.

2. Weigh in at JC. This I am nervous about. I was down 13 before our trip. I was not incredibly over-indulgent on our trip. But, we were in Wine Country for Pete's sake! We drank- a lot!
So, I am hoping the damage is nothing more than 5 pounds. That I can deal with.

3. Call the RE to set up our RPL testing.
Yuck. Enough said.

One good thing.... ask me when I have to get up for work again.
The answer is September- Woo-hoo!!!!!!

****ETA: Only gained a little over a pound and a half! Woot.... not bad for close to 9 days of vacation!******************

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A clear head and a big step.

Well, first of all, Happy 4th of July!

On holidays, I always tend to think about where I was the year before. I do remember that last year at this time, I was on day two of stimming for IVF#1. Oh, such innocence; if I had only known what the year would have in store for me.

So here I sit, sipping my coffee at 6:30 in the morning, I think the cats are happy that we are back from vacation... so happy that they wanted me up this early!

Speaking of vacation.... the word heavenly does not even do it justice. We had SUCH an amazing time. San Francisco was incredible; we saw just about every square inch of the city! Then we headed to Sonoma and Napa and we visited wineries, ate great food, and sipped amazing wine. Most importantly, we were us again. Just R and K. There were no worries, no stressors, no sadness. We simply enjoyed being the couple we once were- and that was pretty fantastic. Now, we have two glorious months off to continue to recharge! The weather is supposed to be in the 80's here today.... so I will FINALLY get in my pool!

Despite our respite from the throes of infertility, we did actually take a pretty big step. Although it may sound like no big deal- it is for us.

I made contact with an adoption agency.

In the last month, we have done a lot of soul searching. Now if children are not in the cards for us, I know we will still be a happy couple. This past week certainly solidified that in both of our minds. I feel incredibly blessed with an amazing marriage that is truly a partnership where we just adore each other and so enjoy each other's company.

But... we want to have a family. And one thing I have started to realize is how we get to our family is starting to matter less and less. Don't get me wrong, I long to carry a child. I long to rub my swollen pregnant belly, and I would give anything to give birth to a child that R and I created, but... we want to have a family. So, although I am not entirely sure this is a direction we will move in, it is a huge step for us. We still will have all of our testing done, we'll talk to our RE, and we will continue to weigh our options. But... I feel happy as I no longer feel adoption is our "last option".

Perhaps it is a new beginning.

We'll see.