At the risk of sounding incredibly dramatic and somewhat cheesey.... the fate of my life hangs in the balance until my beta tomorrow.
I honestly do not know how I feel. I remember the weekend before my beta for IVF#1, I had what I imagine a panic attack must be like. I just got so freaked out that it did not work.
For my FET debacle, after losing 5 embryos in the thaw... I did not have much faith that it had worked, so I never really had any hope... I was not counting on good news anyway.
This time, well, I have been surprisingly calm. No major freakouts ( although the day is still young) and I feel like the best way to describe how I feel is indifferent. I know there is no reason for it to NOT work, but after all this time, I also have a hard time imagining a call where the dr tells me I have wonderful beta and I am indeed safely pregnant. It scares me a bit that I feel that way as maybe on some level, deep down, I already know that perhaps being parents is not in the cards for us.
Anyway... I guess I need to give it up to God at this point and hope that he feels I have been tested enough and am ready for some goodness. I hope so as it has been a really long 3 years.
So, I am going to Spring clean like crazy today; windows, curtains... you name it, I'll clean it.
Today is my ET. I know I should be excited, and I think in many ways I am, but I have a negative feeling I can't shake.
We did a FET in November. We went down for the ET with 7 embryos frozen. I was feeling good as I thought "Hey, if this does not work, at least we still have a bunch more frozen."
Well, not so much. It was an awful experience, when we got there, they sent us out telling us to go get lunch; the embryos had not been thawed yet. ( suspicious) We came back in an hour only to wait and hour and a half longer. When the Dr. came in, she informed us that 5 of our 7 embryos died.
I was devastated, I pretty much cried through the ET and just knew in my heart there was no way that cycle was going to result in a BFP. Well, I was right about that.
I know, rationally, that November's FET has nothing to do with today's ET. But I can't help feeling the way I do. It is like the further you get into this, the more treatments you do, the less hope you have left. It chips away at your innocence, so to speak. Now, it is a matter of self-preservation- you steel yourself just in case there is another blow coming. I remember the wide-eyed excitement and awe I felt during my first IVF. Of course it was going to work- I did not even take into consideration that it wouldn't. I wish I could re-capture some of that positivity- but it is just too dangerous because sometimes- it doesn't work.
So, hopefully we will be greeted with good news when we get there. I hope all goes smoothly and I will try my best for the next week to stay positive that this will work. I need to try to shake any negativity that I feel. But, I am a realist and if this is not our time, I just pray I have the strength to get through it.
Well, I just got the call! We have 12 good embryos ! I could honesty just sit here and cry. So much goes into this whole process; so much mentally, emotionally and physically. I was on pins and needles all day today and now I am simply elated. Now, I know there is still much that can go wrong, we can get down there on Saturday and find that not many embryos have made it that far, and of course, I could suffer through another failed cycle, but, I am really trying to not look further than today.
That is how many eggs we got. To say I am relieved is such an understatement. I was so worried since my FSH shot up so much since IVF#1.
Today went well. It took us almost a full 2 hours to get to NYU with all of the traffic. I was glad I suggested we leave at 8:00. I was happy there was not much waiting around when I got there; that is the part that usually kills me. Most of the ER staff and dr.s recognized me. While that is nice, and I told them so, I told them I hope they would be not be offended if I said I really hope not to ever see them again! I am ready to get off this roller coaster and get pg!
I donned my ever-so-sexy- green gown and blue bonnet and I got all hooked up and ready to go. I was out in a matter of minutes ( as in knocked out) and when they were wheeling me into recovery, I thought I heard them say they got 14. Of course, when I came to, I had to obsessively check with the nurse to make sure I was not dreaming.
I definitely had more pain than the last time- they slipped some extra pain killer into my IV- so that helped. Then they gave me my apple juice and gram crackers.... Best.meal.ever. since I had not eaten (could not eat) since last night!
I slept most of the afternoon, R has been pampering me- he even brought me sunflowers ( my fav!)
I think I will stay home from work tomorrow as I am sure I will still be sore.
Tomorrow makes me nervous. I know I will be a wreck until I get the fertility report. I just pray to god we had some fertilization and some good quality embryos. I am also hoping to make it to a 5 day transfer like last time.
So, that is all for now. Thanks for all of your support!
Ok, so here we go. We are leaving to go to NYU in a few.
I am trying to take deep breaths.... I am so nervous. I am petrified they will get in there and there will be no eggs. Even if they do get eggs, I know I will obsess until tomorrow about whether or not they fertilize.