Saturday, April 25, 2009

This is all new to me.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Physically, I am still pretty tired and have had a pretty constant headache all week ( which I am assuming is attributed to hormones).  But, emotionally, I was in an okay place yesterday. R and I  had some wine last night, watched TV together and called it an early night.  I was even fine when I got up this morning.  We headed out to run a few errands and


I just wanted to go home.  My head hurt, My heart hurt, I was exhausted and I just wanted to curl up in bed.  We were supposed to see my nieces and nephew today who are up from Long Island.  They are staying with my other brother and SIL who live locally. I called my brother and cancelled.  R brought me home and I have just spent one of the most gorgeous days of the year in bed.  Curled up in the dark, sleeping.  

Now, I have a counseling degree.  Rationally ,and according to all of my textbooks, I know much of today's episode was sparked by the fact that I would have to spend time with my SIL.  This is difficult for 2 reasons:  She is pregnant and she is obnoxious about it. 

But there is a larger picture here that I know I don't want to admit to; I am depressed. Truly depressed.  I know I have been through a lot, I know that physically and mentally I am still healing, but I really hate feeling this way.  

I keep trying to remember if I felt this way after my mom died.  I think during her illness, I was just consumed with trying to make her feel better and to make preparations, etc.  As her last few weeks were so awful,  I was actually relieved when she passed; at least I knew she was no longer in pain.  I know I had my fair share of dark days that came months after she passed, but honestly, I don't ever remember feeling this bad.  

I think part of what I am having an incredibly hard time with, and I apologize as this is a very morbid thought, but I am still walking around with a child that has died inside my body.  I spoke to my RE and he feels a D&C  is the best course of action.  He told me to take the weekend to think it over and call him next week.  I am torn.  I want this over with, and with a D&C we can have to tissue tested, which is a benefit.  But I am petrified of scarring.  It takes so much for us to get pregnant, I am just so scared of putting any more roadblocks in the way.  I am also upset that my body shows no signs of miscarrying naturally; just one more way my body seems to be failing me.

I just want to feel better.  I know time will help, but I am so scared.  What is scaring me is that I feel like I have no hope left.  After 2 IVFs and 3 miscarriages, I am petrified that we will never have kids. 

I know I have been through a lot in my life.  But this horrible feeling of despair, well, this is all new to me.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Yup.. that about sums it up.

I am in a bad, dark place today.

I know it will get better, rationally, I know it will.

But it is hard to imagine it will.

I just keep praying for strength.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Well, I went back to work yesterday. Even though I am absolutely exhausted, it felt good to go back.  I think mentally, I needed to get out of my house.  

Physically, I am feeling.. okay.  My stomach has been a bit of a mess and I am still sore.  I guess I still just feel off.  

It is such a bizarre feeling to just be waiting to miscarry.  I have no idea if it will even happen naturally, but it is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

R and I would really like to take a weekend trip away.  I found this awesome Inn and Spa that I would like us to go to, I am just afraid to even make any plans.  

So, it is supposed to be a beautiful day tomorrow and R was awesome enough to take and clean off all of the lawn furniture, so I am going to sit outside tomorrow with my new book and try to enjoy the little things. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Today we found out that we were actually pregnant with twins.  One we lost last week due to an ectopic pregnancy.   At my ultrasound today, we discovered we have a pregnancy in my uterus as well.  Unfortunately, the little bean does not stand a chance.  It is measuring a week behind, the heart rate is slow and the yolk sac is abnormally large- most likely due to some genetic/chromosomal abnormality. My Dr. is 99.9% sure that we will miscarry this pregnancy as well.

Now, we wait and hope that I miscarry naturally.  If not, it will mean yet another surgery. 

We just sit and wait for my other little bean to die.

Inside of one pregnancy attempt, I am having 2 miscarriages.  Inside of 8 months, I will have had 3 losses.

I am numb. 

Monday, April 13, 2009

Rough day...

Today has been a tough one. I still don't feel physically great.  I am running a low fever and have a heck of a headache.  I just wish I felt better physically; I know that would help me mentally.  

I feel kind of lost today.  I keep thinking that we are supposed to be so happy right now and so in love with our little bean.  God, I have been through a lot, but this, this is tough.  

I don't want to weep anymore- I just want to feel better.  

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Advice from a pretty smart lady....

     I remember when my mom was sick and it got to the point that we knew it was terminal, we had a conversation about being angry.  I told her that I was so angry that she was sick and had to suffer.  And selfishly, I was so angry that she was going to be taken from from me far earlier than should ever be.  

    In that conversation, she taught me one of her last and probably most important lessons:  You can't stop to question the bad in life when there has been so much good.  Even in her sickness, knowing her time was near, she was able to detail a long list of events in her life that were precious and wonderful.  She explained to me that she never asked God "why am I so lucky to have this happen to me?" So, when it came to facing the bad, the same logic applies.  You can't have it both was. 

So, today I am working really hard to channel my mom and all of her sage advice.  I have such an incredible, rock solid marriage.  Neither of us are perfect, but we are perfect for each other.  These last few days have been rough, but they certainly made me realize all over again how amazing R is.  

I have a loving family and amazing friends who are being so incredibly supportive.  I am blessed to have a career that I really love.  I have seven frozen embryo; so I know we can try again.  Thankfully, should we have to do another fresh IVF, although it will hurt a bit, we do have the means to do so.  

So, I am giving myself until my belly feels better to mope a bit and then it is time to get on with the business of living.  I want to lose weight, run again, and enjoy my husband and our marriage.  

Thanks mom, even when are aren't here... you are. 

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I don't even know what to say, think or feel. 

On Tuesday, I had a little pain on my left side, but it went away fairly quickly.  The same thing happened yesterday morning, but again, it went away.  It was until 11:00ish last night that my stomach was killing me.  It was pretty intolerable; it felt pretty similar to when my appendix burst.  
    I told R that we needed to get to the ER and off we went.  By the time we got there, I honestly thought I was going to die the pain was so bad; I was actually wishing I would pass out.  

Finally, after drawing bloods they took me for an u/s.  The girl was nice- she asked me if I wanted her to tell me what was going on or if I wanted to wait for the Dr.  I asked her to just tell me.  the sac in my uterus was empty and we had a live ectopic in my left tube.  My God, it had the pole, the yolk sac and a heartbeat.

I think that is the thing I am the hardest time dealing with. My little bean was actually alive, just in the wrong place.  I am just so heartbroken.  I just really am.  I guess this is one more test.  I just feel like we are never going to have a baby.  

So for now, I guess I need to be grateful that I am safe. I just think it is going to take a lot for my heart to heal this time.  

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What if?

I don't know what is wrong with me.  A feeling came over me today ( which I completely blame my H for ) .  This feeling scares the crap out of me.  I had a case of the "what ifs".

What if it really was just too early?  We did see a sac when we went back on Friday.  No yolk sac, but does that mean we are doomed?  

What if the fact that my beta #s that day were still really high and had continued to double appropriately means we have a chance? 

What if the fact that I have had heartburn the last few nights means that the baby inside of me is growing?

Oh , no.  I don't want to have hope.  Last week just hurt so badly.  I want to steel myself so that if our next ultrasound does not go well, I will not be heartbroken all over again.  I want to pretend this is not happening.

But what if?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My poor husband's affliction...

     From the time I have known my h and I am sure for far longer than our history together, he has been blessed and cursed with a horrible affliction: eternal optimism.  

   Last Wednesday after our u/s where we were unable to see a sac, the poor man looked more broken than I have ever seen a person look.  I was not sure who felt worse as we walked hand in hand and in tears out of the RE's office.  I know he was obviously upset as this is our child but I think what really brought him down was the fact that it truly NEVER occurred to him that something could go wrong. I was a nervous wreck going to the appointment; God bless him, but he never even entertained any negative thoughts.  

     So, when we did see a sac on Friday, even after all of the sadness of the days prior, do you know that the man actually has hope now?  He is convinced that it was just too early.  He thinks that if were were a "normal" pregnant couple, we would not have gone in for an u/s so early and we would be fine right now.  

We could not be more opposite in this respect.

    I, on the other hand, am petrified to hold even a shred of hope.  Of course I am praying like crazy for a miracle, for the surprise of a healthy sac and the amazing sound of a heartbeat next friday. But to actually HOPE it happens; unfathomable. 

      His affliction is part of what makes him such a beautiful person.  I would not change it or anything in the world.  I just fear what it will do to him if we do not receive good news next week.

Monday, April 6, 2009


That is where we are. 

Not a fun place. 

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Breaking Points

On a snowy January morning, when I was 7 years old, my mother and I were up early because I had CYO basketball practice.  Eventually my coach called to say that practiced had been cancelled due to the weather.  So, my mother seized this quiet moment when my 4 brothers and father were still asleep to tell me that my father was sick and he was not going to get better; he had Cancer.  I remember the surreal feeling later that morning when my father awoke and I knew this horrible thing about him.  He was okay for a while, even left the hospital that May to attend my Communion. But, as summer turned to fall, he became very sick.  I can remember going into his room every day after school  and reading too him- even after he stopped recognizing who we were.  Until  one November morning, a few days before Thanksgiving, one of my brothers woke me up.  I heard many voices downstairs and I immediately asked him, "did Dad die?"  He had.   In those last days before he died, my older brothers could not bring themselves to go in his room; even at 8 years old I knew, out of the 5 of us kids, I was the strong one.

About 2 years later, my Grandfather had another stroke, as my mom was a nurse, he and my Grandmother temporarily moved in with us.  We had always been so close with my mom's parents.  I used to sleep over their house every Friday night.  One day in March, I was playing down the block and I saw an ambulance zoom by.  I knew in my gut what had happened.  My Grandfather had died.   It was so awful to see my grandmother and mom in so much pain.  I remember trying to be extra good.  I guess when you are a kid, you think that will help somehow.

The following February, Valentine's Day to be exact, my 18 year old bother, who was a volunteer fireman, left for a call; a fire at a restaurant not far from where we lived.  About an hour later, the hospital called for my mom.  She left and my Grandmother and I stayed behind.  About and hour later, I was watching the sitcom, Mr. Belvedere, and my mother walked through the back door and told me that my brother had died.  I remember it seemed that world had temporarily stopped, everything had gone silent.  But, as soon as I recovered, I ran upstairs to be with my mom and see if I could help.  I remember when I got back to school after the funeral and everything, my teachers remarked about how brave an strong I was.  I guess even then I knew I did not have any choice. 

After this, my grandmother moved in permanently with us.  It was so nice; it was like having a 2nd parent back in the house.  When I was a Jr. in high school, my grandmother got sick.  I quit sports and my after school job so that I could relieve my mom's cousin who stayed with my grandmother all day.  I would sit with my grandmother all afternoon until my mom came home from work.  As things got worse, I remember my brothers could no longer enter her room.  While I would lift her to try to get her to the bathroom, they dealt by trying to avoid.  That July, my grandmother died.  I helped my mother pick out a casket, her clothing and the readings at her funeral.  I tried to be strong.

In April of 2006, 3 years ago, my beautiful mother was diagnosed with cancer.  I sat with her in the doctor's office when he delivered the news.  She was to start a regimen of Chemo and then eventually radiation which was to stop the cancer and then she would have surgery to remove the mass.  The chemo was so rough on her, I spent almost every day at her house, sitting on the bathroom floor with her, rubbing her back as she threw up from the chemo.  Her radiation treatments fell over my summer break.  I drove the 40 minutes to her house,  everyday, for a month and a half, to take her to her radiation treatments.  I stayed with her afterwards and watched TV and read magazines.  On October 20, she was to have a major surgery that would remove the mass from her esophagus and stomach.  It was an involved surgery that would take a few hours.  After 45 minutes, the Dr. came out.  I knew that was not good.  He said the cancer had spread all over her stomach, there was nothing more they could do.  I asked how long she had left, he told me 6 months.  I remember locking myself in the bathroom and sobbing.  But, I knew I had to get myself together .  I did and we went up to wait in her hospital room.  When they wheeled my mother in, she looked confused.  She said to me, " I looked at the clock, the surgery can't be over already, what happened?"  They had not told her yet.  So, I was the one to tell my mother that she was going to die.  

     She did not last 6 months.  I came up to see her the day I got out for Christmas break, she was in such terrible shape.  I rode with her in the ambulance and we spent Christmas in the hospital. By early January, it was clear the end was near.  We had already talked about her wishes, so I contacted the funeral home, went there, picked out her casket and planned my mother's wake.  During her final days, we held hands, prayed a lot, and talked about so many things.  On Friday, January 12, 2006, While at school, I got called to the office for a phone call.  A phone call I knew was coming.  They told me my mom was really failing and that I should get there as soon as I could .  I raced back to my classroom, told my kids I had to leave and I left.  I got to spend mom mom' s last hours with her; I was rubbing her back when she finally died later that evening.    The next day, I packed her clothes for the funeral home, gathered pictures to make collages for the wake.  Two days later, I gave my mother's Eulogy and then buried her.

After the funeral, everyone ccommented on  how strong I was.  My brothers even joked that it was amazing that I was the younger sister.  The next year was so hard.  But somehow I managed to get stronger, to move on.  It took a long time to wrap my head around being 33 with no living parents.  but I did, I got through it.  In the early days after my mom's death, I often wondered if I had reached my breaking point.  It was almost like I kept waiting for that to happen. But, I was able to move forward.

Yesterday, when I went for my first ultrasound and there was nothing to be found, I felt like I was going to die.  After 3 painful years dealing with countless procedures and appointments and a  M/C in August, it all came crashing down.  We had 8 blissful days of finally thinking we  were pregnant; of thinking that I was finally going to have a whole family again. But, there was only more loss.  

I did two things I never do.  I called in sick today and I have wept uncontrollably since yesterday afternoon.  I know I am the strong one, but I have nothing left.  I am tired of trying to get through and get over all of the curve balls life has thrown at me.  I simply do not understand why God has chosen this life for me.  I am just exhausted.  And, after all of these years, I think I may have finally reached my breaking point.  

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

No Sac

Nothing in my uterus.
There should have been something there.
Now we have to worry this is ectopic.

I am just heartbroken and so mad that I even let myself be hopeful.  I am such a fool.