Sunday, May 31, 2009

Irony, Symbolism and Conflict...

In looking at my title, I am not sure if I am writing a blog post or a lesson plan... lol.  Well, as they say, life imitates art and literature....

     I went for a long walk by the H.udson R.iver this morning; there is a great park by my house that sits right on the river banks and has a great walking trail.  Other than being at the beach... this park is definitely my happy place.  There is just something about being near water that really calms me.  Whenever I walk here, I always do it sans iPod... because of this, I tend to get a lot of "good" thinking done.  

    Today I was thinking of all of the ironies you encounter while pursuing fertility treatments.  For instance, on Friday, I got the phone call that my beta was negative.  This was a happy call.  Pretty ironic when a mere two months ago... with great trepidation, I listened to my voicemail hoping that I wold hear that I had anything but a negative beta.  But despite its irony, Friday's negative beta is also a symbol... it signifies that I am no longer tied, at least physically, to the difficult events of the past month and a half.  We IF gals do this when we know that a cycle has failed... we hope for a quick show of AF ( ironic for one trying to achieve pregnancy) so we can move forward towards a new cycle.  It is amazing that we can talk ourselves into thinking that AF, which is normally a symbol of doom, can so quickly become a symbol of hope and a new beginning.  

     I have always been a master at the quick switch in AF's meaning.... but lately, not so much. 

So, listen up kids... enter conflict... internal conflict.. a little person vs. herself , to be specific.  

     I know I am moving forward... I don't feel nearly as crappy as I did merely a few  weeks ago... but I am having a real problem trying to figure out what I am moving toward. I really feel torn in half.  Of course I want to be a mom... I would love to have a family with my H.  I am a teacher- I have chosen to make kids my life.     But, if I am going to be completely honest, I just don't know if I want to do this anymore.  I think part of the reason I am doing so well is I am pretending that IF does not exist in my world right now.  I am not thinking about baby-making; I am thinking about me.  And I am so fearful that once I cross back over... things are going to fall apart.  So I will admit it, I am absolutely paralyzingly petrified to even try again.  

    I know many women have been through more than I, but the events of the last few months have taken such a toll on my heart and my body... what if it happens again?  Would I be able to handle it? Would it be the thing that finally puts me over the edge?

    I have never been one to give up.  I have never been one to fear a challenge or adversity.  But the fact that it scares me so much now, I can't help but wonder if deep down, I am trying to tell myself something:  Maybe it is time to stop.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Trisomy 22

We got the results of the pathology report from my D&C about a week and a half ago, but I have not blogged about it at all.  My second little bean, Baby B, had Trisomy 22.  

I think I have not written about this as I am not sure how I feel.  On one hand, I am happy, I suppose, to have an answer, but on the other hand, it saddens and scares me.

In the little research I have done, this seems to be a common cause of first trimester miscarriages, and I know this does not mean that we are doomed, but I have this nagging feeling that we are going to find some larger issues when we have our karyotyping done.  Understand, this is based on nothing scientific, but my gut, it is usually right.  My RE thinks bad luck... the gut is saying otherwise.  

So for now, the holding pattern continues.  I have to go back AGAIN this week as my beta is not at zero yet.  It was close on Friday, it was at 14.  

I keep feeling like I am getting AF.  I'll get spotting and cramps and then nothing.  I wonder how long this is going to go on for.

So, we have an answer.  I just wish I could get an answer to the larger question swirling around in my mind... the one I try so very hard not to ask.... Why me?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Musings, updates and other random things.

Well, I realized that it has been over a week since I last updated, so I figured it was time. 
I so have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year.  Obviously I am thrilled that the sun is shining and the weather is warm, and the end of the school year is near, but as a teacher, this is such a crazy time of the year.  Within the next month I have a dance this Friday night, I am leaving on Tuesday for a three-day trip to B.oston with my S.tudent Government kids.  Then two weeks later, I am one of the co-organizers of an all-school trip to a local amusement park ( at night), and I have the 8th grade dinner dance- which is like a prom.  And yes, I am literally the person running this- this thing is more work than my wedding.  And finally, we cap it off with my final exam I have to give and grade and graduation. 
God, that made me tired just writing it.   I am trying my very best not to get too overwhelmed. 

Now, on to some updates.  As of last Friday, my beta was down to 560, which is great.  I have to go back tomorrow afternoon for another check.

  In other good news... I am down 3 more pounds!  This is for a grand total of 6 pounds in 2 weeks!  I am so excited.  I have not made it back to the gym yet, but I have been walking 2 miles everyday since last Wednesday. The physical activity and having some success with my diet has made such a huge difference mentally.  I just feels so nice to have something positive to focus on for once.  

So for now... I will continue to quell those nagging thoughts about when we are going to cycle again, and I am just going to focus on moving forward towards positivity.  

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

3 pounds!

I weighed in last night.. and I lost 3 pounds!

At first I was a bit disappointed, but I have to cut myself some slack- I had surgery on Friday and literally laid on the couch for 3 days straight.  So, I'll take it!

R and I went for a nice, long walk by the river today- it felt awesome.  Since I have not been able to exercise since Feb., I figured for the next few days, I will just walk and start off slow.  

By Monday, though, back at the gym!  My 30 Day Shred came today.  So, I'll start that on Monday, too!

Skinny jeans.... here I come!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Moving Forward...

   Well, today was hopefully the last page in what has been a very harrowing chapter of my life.  We had our D&C today.  It went smoothly; I am crampy and tired, but after the invasiveness of the past month, it was somewhat uneventful.  

     Seeing as I have already been grieving the loss of this pregnancy and both of my beans, today truly came as a relief.  I was disappointed that my body refuse to miscarry naturally, but I trust that my Dr. did the best he could to minimize scarring and the positive is that we can have the tissue tested.  In a few weeks, we will get the results and we will go for other testing to hopefully give us some answers.  I am sure I will still have some bad days, but now I am hoping they will be fewer than the good and we can begin to heal and move forward.  

   On a funny note.. as levity always helps a bad situation, the hospital where I had the procedure was far swankier than any nice hotel I have ever frequented!  We were cracking up!  I had my own private room for before and for recovery, fully equipped with a TV, my own bathroom and a comfy chair for R!  It was hysterical, we did not want to leave!

   And since we are focusing on positives, I am 3 days in on Jenny Craig.  I am not sure if I have lost any weight, it is hard to tell as I still have a lot of hormone bloat.  But, I am really liking the food- both taste and selection.  I am a little hungry at times, but I suppose that is what normal human portions will do to you! LOL! I will go back on Tuesday for next week's food and to get weighed, so we'll see if there has been any progress.  I am also happy that my RE said I could be back at the gym as early as next week!  About this, I am thrilled.

    We are also moving forward with plans for our trip to California.  I am pretty excited.  I think we have settled on San Fran and Sonoma.  I am beyond excited- particularly about all the wine I get to drink.  One perk of not being pregnant!

    It just feels good to have some positive things to focus on.  And that they are things that are purely for me.  I was so positive at the start of this last cycle, and I poured all of my energy into it ( which I do not regret), but this is just different.  Selfishly, I just want some time to be me again.  To worry about my body being healthy and fit, not about wether I am responding well to drugs or retrieving enough eggs.  I look so forward to spending time with R- out of our own space where we are free to be that carefree couple that once only worried about what our weekend plans would be.  I long for simplicity in my life; simplicity I have not had in 3 long years.  

    And when we return from our altered state of reality, I think we will be better equipped both mentally and physically to decide what our next steps will be.  There is a lot of letting go I need to do- of both my past and my perceived future.  Once we do that, I think we will make the best and healthiest decision for us both.  

   So for now, I will let myself feel whatever I need to feel in order to heal and to finally move forward.