I went for a long walk by the H.udson R.iver this morning; there is a great park by my house that sits right on the river banks and has a great walking trail. Other than being at the beach... this park is definitely my happy place. There is just something about being near water that really calms me. Whenever I walk here, I always do it sans iPod... because of this, I tend to get a lot of "good" thinking done.
Today I was thinking of all of the ironies you encounter while pursuing fertility treatments. For instance, on Friday, I got the phone call that my beta was negative. This was a happy call. Pretty ironic when a mere two months ago... with great trepidation, I listened to my voicemail hoping that I wold hear that I had anything but a negative beta. But despite its irony, Friday's negative beta is also a symbol... it signifies that I am no longer tied, at least physically, to the difficult events of the past month and a half. We IF gals do this when we know that a cycle has failed... we hope for a quick show of AF ( ironic for one trying to achieve pregnancy) so we can move forward towards a new cycle. It is amazing that we can talk ourselves into thinking that AF, which is normally a symbol of doom, can so quickly become a symbol of hope and a new beginning.
I have always been a master at the quick switch in AF's meaning.... but lately, not so much.
So, listen up kids... enter conflict... internal conflict.. a little person vs. herself , to be specific.
I know I am moving forward... I don't feel nearly as crappy as I did merely a few weeks ago... but I am having a real problem trying to figure out what I am moving toward. I really feel torn in half. Of course I want to be a mom... I would love to have a family with my H. I am a teacher- I have chosen to make kids my life. But, if I am going to be completely honest, I just don't know if I want to do this anymore. I think part of the reason I am doing so well is I am pretending that IF does not exist in my world right now. I am not thinking about baby-making; I am thinking about me. And I am so fearful that once I cross back over... things are going to fall apart. So I will admit it, I am absolutely paralyzingly petrified to even try again.
I know many women have been through more than I, but the events of the last few months have taken such a toll on my heart and my body... what if it happens again? Would I be able to handle it? Would it be the thing that finally puts me over the edge?
I have never been one to give up. I have never been one to fear a challenge or adversity. But the fact that it scares me so much now, I can't help but wonder if deep down, I am trying to tell myself something: Maybe it is time to stop.