Friday, May 1, 2009

Moving Forward...

   Well, today was hopefully the last page in what has been a very harrowing chapter of my life.  We had our D&C today.  It went smoothly; I am crampy and tired, but after the invasiveness of the past month, it was somewhat uneventful.  

     Seeing as I have already been grieving the loss of this pregnancy and both of my beans, today truly came as a relief.  I was disappointed that my body refuse to miscarry naturally, but I trust that my Dr. did the best he could to minimize scarring and the positive is that we can have the tissue tested.  In a few weeks, we will get the results and we will go for other testing to hopefully give us some answers.  I am sure I will still have some bad days, but now I am hoping they will be fewer than the good and we can begin to heal and move forward.  

   On a funny note.. as levity always helps a bad situation, the hospital where I had the procedure was far swankier than any nice hotel I have ever frequented!  We were cracking up!  I had my own private room for before and for recovery, fully equipped with a TV, my own bathroom and a comfy chair for R!  It was hysterical, we did not want to leave!

   And since we are focusing on positives, I am 3 days in on Jenny Craig.  I am not sure if I have lost any weight, it is hard to tell as I still have a lot of hormone bloat.  But, I am really liking the food- both taste and selection.  I am a little hungry at times, but I suppose that is what normal human portions will do to you! LOL! I will go back on Tuesday for next week's food and to get weighed, so we'll see if there has been any progress.  I am also happy that my RE said I could be back at the gym as early as next week!  About this, I am thrilled.

    We are also moving forward with plans for our trip to California.  I am pretty excited.  I think we have settled on San Fran and Sonoma.  I am beyond excited- particularly about all the wine I get to drink.  One perk of not being pregnant!

    It just feels good to have some positive things to focus on.  And that they are things that are purely for me.  I was so positive at the start of this last cycle, and I poured all of my energy into it ( which I do not regret), but this is just different.  Selfishly, I just want some time to be me again.  To worry about my body being healthy and fit, not about wether I am responding well to drugs or retrieving enough eggs.  I look so forward to spending time with R- out of our own space where we are free to be that carefree couple that once only worried about what our weekend plans would be.  I long for simplicity in my life; simplicity I have not had in 3 long years.  

    And when we return from our altered state of reality, I think we will be better equipped both mentally and physically to decide what our next steps will be.  There is a lot of letting go I need to do- of both my past and my perceived future.  Once we do that, I think we will make the best and healthiest decision for us both.  

   So for now, I will let myself feel whatever I need to feel in order to heal and to finally move forward. 



MJ said...

Here's to better times and a great time in CA.


Anonymous said...

My dear...I just joined your blog and I couldn't believe how similar our journey to concenption has been. I re-lived my ordeal reading your posts. In fact it was identical. I am so so sorry for all the pain you have been going through. Your husband is amazing though and so is mine. I have read also about your parents and your brother... you are indeed one amazing strong lady. I know I'll read soon good news for you. I'm here whenever you need me. Fran

stacey said...

Kelly-I hope you are taking care of yourself.

I gave you an award on my blog. You have to go their for details:-)

Bluebird said...

Beautifully written post. It really sounds like, despite everything, you have your head on straight and are seeing clearly. The trip will be wonderful for you, and hopefully return you a bit of simplicity.