Sunday, May 31, 2009

Irony, Symbolism and Conflict...

In looking at my title, I am not sure if I am writing a blog post or a lesson plan... lol.  Well, as they say, life imitates art and literature....

     I went for a long walk by the H.udson R.iver this morning; there is a great park by my house that sits right on the river banks and has a great walking trail.  Other than being at the beach... this park is definitely my happy place.  There is just something about being near water that really calms me.  Whenever I walk here, I always do it sans iPod... because of this, I tend to get a lot of "good" thinking done.  

    Today I was thinking of all of the ironies you encounter while pursuing fertility treatments.  For instance, on Friday, I got the phone call that my beta was negative.  This was a happy call.  Pretty ironic when a mere two months ago... with great trepidation, I listened to my voicemail hoping that I wold hear that I had anything but a negative beta.  But despite its irony, Friday's negative beta is also a symbol... it signifies that I am no longer tied, at least physically, to the difficult events of the past month and a half.  We IF gals do this when we know that a cycle has failed... we hope for a quick show of AF ( ironic for one trying to achieve pregnancy) so we can move forward towards a new cycle.  It is amazing that we can talk ourselves into thinking that AF, which is normally a symbol of doom, can so quickly become a symbol of hope and a new beginning.  

     I have always been a master at the quick switch in AF's meaning.... but lately, not so much. 

So, listen up kids... enter conflict... internal conflict.. a little person vs. herself , to be specific.  

     I know I am moving forward... I don't feel nearly as crappy as I did merely a few  weeks ago... but I am having a real problem trying to figure out what I am moving toward. I really feel torn in half.  Of course I want to be a mom... I would love to have a family with my H.  I am a teacher- I have chosen to make kids my life.     But, if I am going to be completely honest, I just don't know if I want to do this anymore.  I think part of the reason I am doing so well is I am pretending that IF does not exist in my world right now.  I am not thinking about baby-making; I am thinking about me.  And I am so fearful that once I cross back over... things are going to fall apart.  So I will admit it, I am absolutely paralyzingly petrified to even try again.  

    I know many women have been through more than I, but the events of the last few months have taken such a toll on my heart and my body... what if it happens again?  Would I be able to handle it? Would it be the thing that finally puts me over the edge?

    I have never been one to give up.  I have never been one to fear a challenge or adversity.  But the fact that it scares me so much now, I can't help but wonder if deep down, I am trying to tell myself something:  Maybe it is time to stop.


kim said...

I could have written this myself.

I am only going straight through to FET #2 so I can "get it over with." I am actually hoping my phone consult yields me going on met for 3 months so I can take a break from TTC, worrying about whether or not AF is coming, etc. I feel like I am over it.

I am sorry you have been through the ringer. It is not fair at all, and so devastatingly heartbreaking. I think you should take as much time as you need off, until you are 100% committed to whatever comes next. I just know you will be a mom, and it's OK if you decide to take some time off to get there. Your snowbabies will wait for you. :)


Kristen said...

As someone in your shoes, I too am questioning when enough is enough. I don't know how I'll determine the answer to that question, but I hope I know soon. Being in this IF h*ll is just that...h*ll.

I hope and pray that you do what is best for YOU right now. Whatever that is, I'll be here to support you and be your cheerleader until the end!!! :-)

MJ said...

Your post had me just nodding my head in agreement. Although I have never gotten a BFP, I do feel at times (a lot of times), like giving up and being a teacher myself, maybe that's enough? Then I really think and know that I have the desire to be a mom, one that I know won't go away. I plan to take 3-5 years (not by choice, by chemo) and figure out with DH what we really want. I think you can take as much time as you want/need to decide what you're ready to do. No matter what you decide, we'll all be here to support you.


satto said...

I was just marveling myself at how you can feel so horrible one day like you physically can't take it any more. And then either hours, days, weeks, months later things get better. So I am very glad you are feeling better than you were two months ago.

I find time also lets you think clearer. You will make the right choice for you. I am just sorry it is something you have to wrestle with.

Anonymous said...

I think sometimes we worry too much about "making a decision", in fact you don't really have to decide now what you are going to do and also, decisions can be reverted! So my advise is for you to take your time, keep doing those fantastic walks, treat yourself and let some time pass. You'll be ready to decide soon. Love, Fran

jkt said...

Kelly, I have been thinking about you so much and I am so sorry for all you have been through. :( You continue to be an amazing source of strength and inspiration for so many, and I hope you can find the strength and inspiration that you need, as long as it takes.

I have been mainly lurking on all boards lately, but just know that I think about you often. Take care of yourself. (jmkatz)

Echloe said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have so much trepidation about moving forward because I know there are no garaunties that a bfp means a live baby. And going through another loss scares the crap out of me. But I'm still praying for AF to come. It is really hard living in this paradox.

Me said...

I've spent a large chunks of my IF sentence in denial. On the one hand, it feels like I'm coping better, that I'm doing OK, that I'm happier. The thing is, only the last one is true, and it is true precisely because the first one is not. I'm happy because I'm NOT coping - I'm in denial. And while I would truly love to just walk away, eventually I would have to cope with something so much huger than infertility - a lifetime of childlessness.