Great appointment!

We were able to see out little bean just dancing around. My Dr. joked that he/she must have known we were watching. The Bean was actually kicking his/her legs straight up and down... it was hysterical.

I was really able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Pinch me.... is this for real?

First OB appointment today.

And I am petrified. You would think that with how sick I have been, I would feel reassured that there is a healthy baby in there, but , I don't know. It is just so hard to believe that we are going to be the lucky ones this time. I am just so afraid that we are going to get there and it will be more bad news and heartache.

I hope at some point I will feel less guarded and I can relax and enjoy this pregnancy.

A lot to be thankful for...

I have been so miserable with my "all day" morning sickness, that I don't feel like I have been as grateful as I should be for this little bean growing in my belly. Due to said sickness, I missed Thanksgiving yesterday and I spent it on the couch. But, even though I was not feeling well, I got teary-eyed thinking how lucky I am.

We have a 10 week appointment with my OB ( first one with the OB!) this coming Thursday. I can't wait to see our bean again. I just pray that everything is okay. I am actually really nervous.

In other news, I started Zofran for the sickness. In many ways, it has helped tremendously. I was warned that it causes extreme constipation. Well... my body has clearly always been a freak... so I have, um, the opposite problem.

I guess one way or another... I am destined to spend a great deal of this pregnancy in my bathroom! LOL!

Feeling guilty...

I feel so blessed that we have made it this far in this pregnancy. Particularly with our weird betas and the bleeding scare of last weekend. I still can't believe this is my life.

But, I am sick. Really sick. I never deluded myself into thinking that just because I suffered from IF that I would not hate feeling sick, but now that it is happening, I feel guilty. On the one hand, I am really glad that I feel something... it is reassuring.

But, I have rotated between the couch, the bathroom, and my bed... since Thursday night. I could not stop throwing up long enough to get my act together to go to work on Friday.

Last night, I was so violently ill, I seriously think that I pulled a muscle getting sick.

Nothing helps and I can't keep anything down. I keep obsessing over dehydrating and the massive headache I have tells me that I am on my way.

I feel like the only thing I should feel is joy... and I do... but I feel so guilty that I feel so miserable.

Disbelief....

We went for our u/s today...

and we have a beautiful little bean that is measuring perfectly. We were able to see and hear the heartbeat... that was so amazing.

I am still scared to death... and know we have a long road ahead of us....

but for now...

I am pregnant. :)

Spotting

Ugh. What a day. I started spotting this morning. At first bright red and then brownish. I called the RE and he said that this is not much they can do. He said to take it easy today and to come in tomorrow if I am still spotting. I am also cramping pretty badly.

I am so pissed at myself for even having the tiniest bit of hope. When we saw the sac last u/s, I really was starting to think we had a chance- despite our screwy #s.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure how this is going to end- with more heartache.

Oy.

I am honestly a bit of a wreck. I usually handle myself better in stressful situations, but it has become increasingly obvious to me how much I want THIS pregnancy.

I am so, so scared that we are going to once again walk out of that u/s room on Tuesday, completely devastated and wondering what the heck to do next. I am not sure how I will begin to handle it.

I do have to say, I have been plagued by daily nausea. My ride to work each day has happened with a plastic "just in case bag" on my lap.

With my luck, this is not morning sickness, but the damn flu.