If things were ever easy, I'm not sure what I would do with myself.

      Reeling.  That is the word the best describes how I feel this weekend.  I have slept non-stop as this past week simply exhausted me.   Thanks to the BCPs for IVF #2, my emotions seem to be getting the  better of me these days.  I apologize in advance if this post seems more "whiney" than usual.

   So, CD3 appointment was last Thursday afternoon.  Since I went in the afternoon, I did not get my results until Friday afternoon.  Friday was a horrible day at work as 7 teachers in my building alone were let go.  It was awful and I was very distracted as I drove home;I forgot to check my VM right away.  I went home and picked up  R as he and I were taking a weekend grad class. It was not until we were on our way to class, I remembered to check said VM.

FSH=12.    12.  I am 34 and my FSH=12.

I was devastated.  Of course it was after hours, so I could not call.  We then went to class, getting stuck at the table with a pregnant lady and bunch of new parents.  I am sure you can imagine the table conversations. Did I mention that this class was Fri. night, ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday.  Jesus.

Fast forward to Tuesday night.  I get a call from Freedom Pharmacy. " Sorry, you order can't be put through, your coverage was denied".  Now, I do not have coverage for IVF, but I was lucky enough to have med coverage ( as, if interpreted one way, is mandated my NYS law.)

So, after many phone calls and me sobbing on the phone to complete strangers, what it comes down to is this:  My school district changed RX providers as of Jan 1st.  Although our coverage did not change, per se, my new provider interprets the language regarding drug coverage and IVF differently than my old provider.  So,  semantics has left me w/o drug coverage. 

I did manage to get an emergency override for the drugs that were ordered, but that is it, any refills and future cycles- all OOP.

There is some board meeting about my case in March, and I did speak to my union,  as this  is a change of coverage for me ( and a change of coverage was not agreed upon when we switched), but we all know how this will turn out.

I know I should focus on the fact that some of my meds are covered this time, but let's be honest, after almost 3 years at this, I am still not pg.  Nothing has worked. What if this IVF does not work? Ya know with my FSH being 12 and all.  I don't think we can afford to cycle again with paying for the meds, too.  

I just feel defeated.  

So here I sit; reeling from the events of the past week.  Reeling, exhausted, and well, just plain sad.

12

12.  That would be the level of my FSH on CD3.  WTF?  I am 35 freakin years old.  My body thinks it is 45. 

I don't even want to do this IVF.  Why bother?  To suffer through another negative?

I give up.

Oh the places you'll go...

    When Dr. Seuss wrote that book, I am quite sure he did not have IVF#2 in mind, but it that is where my path is taking me.

     So, AF finally showed tonight, so I am am all set to start this next cycle.  I have to call tomorrow to see how I am going to squeeze in my CD 3 appointment, I picked up my BCP prescription tonight, and I am ready to go!

     There is so much juxtaposition in my emotions right now.  I feel so excited to get started, but I am petrified as well.  Sometimes it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it is going to take IVF to get us pregnant.  That fact that we are embarking on #2 is just incredulous to me.  

   I know what I am facing: horrid emotional mood swings on the BCP, bruises and bloat from the stim shots, the painful egg retrieval , the transfer , the endless 2 week wait.  I can take all of that, but what if it doesn't work?  What if, once again, it is NOT my turn?  

That I don't think I can take.  

So, I will go to bed and pray, as I do every night, for the strength to do this, the strength to stay positive, and the miracle of a pregnancy. 

      

Sigh of relief; pang of anxiety, and a little perspective.

     I slept like a baby Friday night because I was finally able tell my principal about my upcoming IVF cycle.  He was great, it was fine, and now it is over.  I am just so happy that I no longer have to worry about people seeing me come in late or taking time off, etc.  Huge sigh of relief. 

     Now, if my body would be as cooperative as my principal, we would be all good.  I did not keep track of my cycle per say, so I don't know when I o'd, but I am usually a 28 day girl, and AF is no where in sight.  I called on Friday and made my CD3 appointment for tomorrow; I was certain that AF would show over the weekend.  NOPE.   Now, what is giving me anxiety is that Wed-Friday of this week, I absolutely cannot be late to school ( first RE appointment is 8:00- school starts at 7:45).  Wed. I am at a training and Thurs. and Fri.  I am training people at work about what I learned about on Wed.  So, nothing can happen if I am not there. Oh, and we are supposed to get a huge- ass snow storm here in on Tuesday, so that might make things a bit tricky.  Ugh.

    On a somewhat related note, we had a rather somber meeting after school on Thursday where we leaned my district is laying off 31 people.  Now to those of you in the corporate world, 31 must seem like nothing.  In a small suburban school district, 31 is huge.  These types of lay-offs in schools are happening all over New York State- and I am sure all over in general.  I think I am okay, I have 4 English teachers below me on the seniority list.  However, there is a teacher on my team ( we teach on teams- one person per academic subject) who is pregnant.  As pregnant as I would be if the FET worked.  Yes, that was a fun announcement.  Anyway, she is due in August. She has the least amount of seniority in her academic area in the whole district.  She will most likely lose her job.  Now, she may have what I want, a pregnancy, but where do you even go when you are a teacher due in August?  How can you even go about looking for a job?   And, there are no jobs! From what I gather, not working is not an option and they already have a child at home.   It really gave me some perspective.  I am jealous as hell that she is pregnant, but I think sometimes I equate one's  ability to get pregnant with "wow, life is is easy for you."  Not true.  Everyone has it tough sometimes.  I think it is time to start counting my blessings because I do have many.