Saturday, April 25, 2009

This is all new to me.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Physically, I am still pretty tired and have had a pretty constant headache all week ( which I am assuming is attributed to hormones).  But, emotionally, I was in an okay place yesterday. R and I  had some wine last night, watched TV together and called it an early night.  I was even fine when I got up this morning.  We headed out to run a few errands and


I just wanted to go home.  My head hurt, My heart hurt, I was exhausted and I just wanted to curl up in bed.  We were supposed to see my nieces and nephew today who are up from Long Island.  They are staying with my other brother and SIL who live locally. I called my brother and cancelled.  R brought me home and I have just spent one of the most gorgeous days of the year in bed.  Curled up in the dark, sleeping.  

Now, I have a counseling degree.  Rationally ,and according to all of my textbooks, I know much of today's episode was sparked by the fact that I would have to spend time with my SIL.  This is difficult for 2 reasons:  She is pregnant and she is obnoxious about it. 

But there is a larger picture here that I know I don't want to admit to; I am depressed. Truly depressed.  I know I have been through a lot, I know that physically and mentally I am still healing, but I really hate feeling this way.  

I keep trying to remember if I felt this way after my mom died.  I think during her illness, I was just consumed with trying to make her feel better and to make preparations, etc.  As her last few weeks were so awful,  I was actually relieved when she passed; at least I knew she was no longer in pain.  I know I had my fair share of dark days that came months after she passed, but honestly, I don't ever remember feeling this bad.  

I think part of what I am having an incredibly hard time with, and I apologize as this is a very morbid thought, but I am still walking around with a child that has died inside my body.  I spoke to my RE and he feels a D&C  is the best course of action.  He told me to take the weekend to think it over and call him next week.  I am torn.  I want this over with, and with a D&C we can have to tissue tested, which is a benefit.  But I am petrified of scarring.  It takes so much for us to get pregnant, I am just so scared of putting any more roadblocks in the way.  I am also upset that my body shows no signs of miscarrying naturally; just one more way my body seems to be failing me.

I just want to feel better.  I know time will help, but I am so scared.  What is scaring me is that I feel like I have no hope left.  After 2 IVFs and 3 miscarriages, I am petrified that we will never have kids. 

I know I have been through a lot in my life.  But this horrible feeling of despair, well, this is all new to me.


Hopeful34 said...

kelly you are constantly in my thoughts. This must be so hard for you right now. I try to put myself in your position and I just start to cry. I wish I could take all of your hurt away. It's hard to know what to say to you but I am praying for you and hope you can find peace with this very difficult time.

MJ said...

Kelly, I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. Just because we have degrees in counseling doesn't mean we're not immune to all the pain and depression. You are entitled to feel the way you do. Can you go talk to someone? Maybe they can help.


Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.

I certainly *don't* have a degree in counseling, but I would think that's its a good sign that you recognize what's going on with you - even though you don't know how to fix it. . . . I'm so sorry you're hurting.

theworms said...

I hate that you have to go through this so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Last week was rough for me, sorry for being MIA. If you need anything, a shoulder, ice cream, to go for a walk, I am only a car ride away, we can talk about douche bag SIL.

I wish I had a magic wand to make this all go away.