1010

that was beta #4. It doubled from Monday, but that is a slow doubling time and it is still lower than it should be.

So, I am on yet another trip to Beta Hell.

I was really ready to hear yesterday that my numbers had dropped. I was already at the mall shopping!

There are a few things now that scare me. One being the mental anguish of all of this. I feel like I barely scraped by last time. There were so many dark days and weekends that it took all of my strength to get out of bed. When I look back, April and May are just one blur of sadness. When I got the call Monday that my beta did not double, it was devastating. So, I mourned this as another loss this past week. And while sad, I am ready to move on. I only had a positive pregnancy test and one really good beta in this pregnancy, so I was not overly excited and used to being pregnant... if that makes sense. So, this time, it stung a little less. I am just afraid that the longer this goes on, the harder the mental recovery is going to be.

Another source of great anguish is that this is another ectopic. That scares the pants off of me. That sucked, it hurt, it required surgery and I think it would kill me to be laid up in bed again for a week thinking of how I lost yet another pregnancy.

The last thing I am scared of, really hurts my heart. I just don't want it to be like last time with baby B, when we make it as far as an u/s, only to find a little bean who is measuring too small, and who's heart is beating too slowly. That broke my heart to hear my baby's heartbeat, knowing that this poor little child that we created was not going to live.

I just keep praying to God for strength, patience and faith to believe there is some reason that we are on this painful journey. I am just trying SO hard to believe that there is a reason for all of this. I know we are good people and that we deserve happiness. It is just so hard to figure out why all of this keeps happening.

Long day

I am simply exhausted from spending the day around children and trying to pretend that my life doesn't freaking suck. It does not help that I could not sleep AT ALL last night.

I am going to try a hot shower and then a good book. Hope that does the trick.

Beta #3 is not good.

It was 355 on Friday.

555 today.

RE is not hopeful.

Someone, please tell me how it is possible that I can be looking at miscarriage #4. Please, tell me how this is possible.

What have I done?

Why can't we have a child?

How much heartbreak do we have to endure?

Limbo

Well, beta #2 was 355 yesterday. It should have been 362. I know that is a matter of a few points, but to me, it might as well be the difference of 1000 points. My progesterone also dropped.

I really, really hate this part. I know I should not be freaking out about this, but it is all such a mind scramble. In all reality, our numbers rose perfectly last time, and look what happened. So, I know that betas are not the end all and be all.

So, now I go in again tomorrow morning and then it will be another day of waiting with complete anguish to see what the numbers are.

God... where is the fast-forward button?

Are you there, God? It's me, Kelly...

Well,

Here we go again. At 9dp5dt our first beta is 181. I want to jump up and down, I want to scream, "hooray" at this amazing chance to be pregnant again, because I truly know how lucky I am to have a second chance at this.

But, I just can't. I am petrified.

I don't want to get too attached because, well, what if? And there are so many "what ifs" to worry about.

I just pray to God that this time is different. All I ask is that this lead us to a healthy baby.

Please.

Trying not to obsess.....

Well...

We are currently 5 days past a 5 day transfer ( It might even be 6 since they were frozen on day 6).

I am trying my absolute best to not obsess. I have definitely been crampy and tired, but those are all things that can be contributed to the PIO injections... so, who knows!

What is hard, it I keep finding myself imagining this really working this time...I mean really working. I keep imagining my first u/s going beautifully, instead of a disaster like last time. I keep imagining being able to tell our families on Thanksgiving. I keep imagining my growing belly and setting up a nursery.

While these are all lovely thoughts... I am petrified that I have this much hope. If Wednesday rolls around, and my beta is negative, I am going to be crushed. Worse even, let's say we get a BFP, what if we have another miscarriage? That will simply devastate R and me.

It was easier before the transfer.. .I had a wall up and such a "whatever happens" attitude. But now, now that we have actually transferred our embryos back... it is getting harder and harder to deny just how badly I want this. I want us to start our family. I want a child. Even if this is the only child we are ever able to have...

So much for trying not to obsess... Wednesday can't some fast enough...

And..... we're off

Leaving for FET #2... wish us luck!

FET is tomorrow

And I feel a mixture of emotions. There is a strange part of me that feels like everything will be okay this time. Then there is the part of me that is scared to death.

But I have to try, right? NOT trying would be worse, right?

No matter how much I try to down play this all, the truth is, I want this so badly.

If you can spare any extra thoughts, please send them my way.

Thanks.

Oddly Calm...

The eve of the eve of our FET and I am feeling oddly calm.

I am not sure why. Perhaps all of the drama that has happened thus far in our journey has taken away a lot of the unknowns. Many of the worst-case-scenarios have already happened. Perhaps it is our turn for a happy ending.

Hope so.