Getting closer to being real...

So, I had my 3rd beta Friday afternoon and we were up to 1072.  I went in today for beta #4.  So, I will get my results tomorrow.  

And... our first u/s is scheduled for Wednesday.  This is to make sure it is not ectopic, etc.

It is also to see how many sacs there maybe.... gulp.

I know that there is a possibility of twins..... but holycrap.

I'll keep you posted!

Disbelief...

I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I am PG!  It honestly seems so surreal. I had to listen to the message three times!

I just pray that this baby sticks this time...

But for tonight... I am going to enjoy this feeling!

Tomorrow...

At the risk of sounding incredibly dramatic and somewhat cheesey.... the fate of my life hangs in the balance until my beta tomorrow. 

 

    I honestly do not know how I feel.  I remember the weekend before my beta for IVF#1, I had what I imagine a panic attack must be like.  I just got so freaked out that it did not work.  

For my FET debacle, after losing 5 embryos in the thaw... I did not have much faith that it had worked, so I never really had any hope...  I was not counting on good news anyway.

This time, well, I have been surprisingly calm.  No major freakouts ( although the day is still young) and I feel like the best way to describe how I feel is indifferent.  I know there is no reason for it to NOT work, but after all this time, I also have a hard time imagining a call where the dr tells me I have  wonderful beta and I am indeed safely pregnant.  It scares me a bit that I feel that way as maybe on some level, deep down, I already know that perhaps being parents is not in the cards for us.  

Anyway... I guess I need to give it up to God at this point and hope that he feels I have been tested enough and am ready for some goodness.  I hope so as it has been a really long 3 years.  

So, I am going to  Spring clean like crazy today; windows, curtains... you name it, I'll clean it.  

At least it will keep me occupied.

4dp5dt...

Nothing other than that to report...

Distractions

Well, we are one day closer to our beta and I am so thankful that school seems to be NUTS lately.  I have NO time to think about anything IVF/BETA/will I ever get PG related.  

You see... this is the time of year where girls are no longer friends with their best friends and then are and then aren't and then are and then aren't and then are again. 

And.... boys show mutual friendship and camaraderie by wrestling and shutting each others' lockers ... sometimes with fingers, legs and the like, in the way.  

So playing counselor, referee and nurse can be quite distracting.

Sigh... in middle school... Spring is certainly  in the air. 

If they only knew the gigantic favor they are doing for me! :)

snowbabies!

We have 7 of them!

In the words of the embryologist- 6 fantastic and 1 eh!

I'll take it!

Although, this is how many we had make it to freeze last time, and I am not pg, so.....

In other related news, had my progesterone checked today... a whopping 191!  That is good news.

my beta is one week from today.  By this time, I'll know if I am going to be a mom!

Game on...

Well, I am back.  

The ET went smoothly; we transferred 2 back.  Both were in the blastocyst stage- one was AB quality and the other BB.  So all in all, not too bad for my geriatric ovaries.  

Honestly, I am floored.  When my CD 3 FSH came back high, I thought we were doomed.  I am thrilled and so grateful we have made it this far.  

We have 8 more embryos they are watching to see if they will make it to freeze tomorrow.  

And now the wait begins.... my beta is March 23.  Exactly one month before my 35th birthday.  

I hope 35 is a VERY happy birthday.

So.... now I am off to obsess! 

Flashbacks....

Today is my ET.  I know I should be excited, and I think in many ways I am, but I have a negative feeling I can't shake.  

We did a FET in November.  We went down for the ET  with 7 embryos frozen.  I was feeling good as I thought "Hey, if this does not work, at least we still have a bunch more frozen."  

Well, not so much.  It was an awful experience, when we got there, they sent us out telling us to go get lunch; the embryos had not been thawed yet.  ( suspicious) We came back in an hour only to wait and hour and a half longer.  When the Dr. came in, she informed us that 5 of our 7 embryos died.  

I was devastated, I pretty much cried through the ET and just knew in my heart there was no way that cycle was going to result in a BFP.  Well, I was right about that.  

I know, rationally, that November's FET has nothing to do with today's ET.  But I can't help feeling the way I do.  It is like the further you get into this, the more treatments you do, the less hope you have left.  It chips away at your innocence, so to speak.  Now, it is a matter of self-preservation- you steel yourself just in case there is another blow coming.  I remember the wide-eyed excitement and awe I felt during my first IVF.  Of course it was going to work- I did not even take into consideration that it wouldn't.  I wish I could re-capture some of that positivity- but it is just too dangerous because sometimes- it doesn't work.

So, hopefully we will be greeted with good news when we get there.  I hope all goes smoothly and I will try my best for the next week to stay positive that this will work.  I need to try to shake any negativity that I feel.  But, I am a realist and if this is not our time, I just pray I have the strength to get through it.

Relief....

Well, I just got the call!  We have 12 good embryos !  I could honesty just sit here and cry.  So much goes into this whole process; so much mentally, emotionally and physically. I was on pins and needles all day today and now  I am simply elated.  Now, I know there is still much that can go wrong, we can get down there on Saturday and find that not many embryos have made it that far, and of course, I could suffer through another failed cycle, but, I am really trying to not look further than today.  

And today is a good day.

waiting.....

Sometimes I think I have been dealt the infertility cards because I am not what you might call, a patient person.  

Well... after almost 3 years in this game, I have started to learn that I am not in control of everything ( toughest.lesson.ever) and sometimes, well, you just have to cool your heals and wait.

Today is one of those days.  I am waiting for my fertility report to see how many of my 14 eggs fertilized and when we will transfer our embryos back.  

It is going to be a long day of waiting.  

Hey, I said I've learned to do it; never said I had to like it!  

I'll update later.

14

That is how many eggs we got.  To say I am relieved is such an understatement.  I was so worried since my FSH shot up so much since IVF#1.

Today went well.  It took us almost a full 2 hours to get to NYU with all of the traffic.  I was glad I suggested we leave at 8:00.  I was happy there was not much waiting around when I got there; that is the part that usually kills me.  Most of the ER staff and dr.s recognized me.  While that is nice,  and I told them so, I told them I hope they would be not  be offended if I said I really hope not to ever see them again!  I am ready to get off this roller coaster and get pg!

I donned my ever-so-sexy- green gown and blue bonnet and I got all hooked up and ready to go. I was out in a matter of minutes ( as in knocked out) and when they were wheeling me into recovery, I thought I heard them say they got 14.  Of course, when I came to, I had to obsessively check with the nurse to make sure I was not dreaming.  

I definitely had more pain than the last time- they slipped some extra pain killer into my IV- so that helped.    Then they gave me my apple juice and gram crackers.... Best.meal.ever. since I had not eaten (could not eat) since last night!

I slept most of the afternoon, R has been pampering me- he even brought me sunflowers ( my fav!)

I think I will stay home from work tomorrow as I am sure I will still be sore.

Tomorrow makes me nervous.  I know I will be a wreck until I get the fertility report.  I just pray to god  we had some fertilization and some good quality embryos.  I am also hoping to make it to a 5 day transfer like last time. 

So, that is all for now.  Thanks for all of your support!

After

Oh boy....

Ok, so here we go.  We are leaving to go to NYU in a few.  

I am trying to take deep breaths.... I am so nervous.  I am petrified they will get in there and there will be no eggs.  Even if they do get eggs, I know I will obsess until tomorrow about whether or not they fertilize.  

Ugh... wish me luck. 

EEEKKKKK!

OK... so tomorrow is my ER!  I have been such  bad blogger through my stimming process, but I felt that I needed to not think so much about all that was going on.  I will write more after the ER.

Here we are, once again.

Please, please let them get enough eggs.

Please, please let them fertilize into great embryos.

Please, please let this work.

Is that too much to ask?