Saturday, March 14, 2009


Today is my ET.  I know I should be excited, and I think in many ways I am, but I have a negative feeling I can't shake.  

We did a FET in November.  We went down for the ET  with 7 embryos frozen.  I was feeling good as I thought "Hey, if this does not work, at least we still have a bunch more frozen."  

Well, not so much.  It was an awful experience, when we got there, they sent us out telling us to go get lunch; the embryos had not been thawed yet.  ( suspicious) We came back in an hour only to wait and hour and a half longer.  When the Dr. came in, she informed us that 5 of our 7 embryos died.  

I was devastated, I pretty much cried through the ET and just knew in my heart there was no way that cycle was going to result in a BFP.  Well, I was right about that.  

I know, rationally, that November's FET has nothing to do with today's ET.  But I can't help feeling the way I do.  It is like the further you get into this, the more treatments you do, the less hope you have left.  It chips away at your innocence, so to speak.  Now, it is a matter of self-preservation- you steel yourself just in case there is another blow coming.  I remember the wide-eyed excitement and awe I felt during my first IVF.  Of course it was going to work- I did not even take into consideration that it wouldn't.  I wish I could re-capture some of that positivity- but it is just too dangerous because sometimes- it doesn't work.

So, hopefully we will be greeted with good news when we get there.  I hope all goes smoothly and I will try my best for the next week to stay positive that this will work.  I need to try to shake any negativity that I feel.  But, I am a realist and if this is not our time, I just pray I have the strength to get through it.

1 comment:

shawnandlarissa said...

Hugs. I pray that your transfer goes perfectly