1010

that was beta #4. It doubled from Monday, but that is a slow doubling time and it is still lower than it should be.

So, I am on yet another trip to Beta Hell.

I was really ready to hear yesterday that my numbers had dropped. I was already at the mall shopping!

There are a few things now that scare me. One being the mental anguish of all of this. I feel like I barely scraped by last time. There were so many dark days and weekends that it took all of my strength to get out of bed. When I look back, April and May are just one blur of sadness. When I got the call Monday that my beta did not double, it was devastating. So, I mourned this as another loss this past week. And while sad, I am ready to move on. I only had a positive pregnancy test and one really good beta in this pregnancy, so I was not overly excited and used to being pregnant... if that makes sense. So, this time, it stung a little less. I am just afraid that the longer this goes on, the harder the mental recovery is going to be.

Another source of great anguish is that this is another ectopic. That scares the pants off of me. That sucked, it hurt, it required surgery and I think it would kill me to be laid up in bed again for a week thinking of how I lost yet another pregnancy.

The last thing I am scared of, really hurts my heart. I just don't want it to be like last time with baby B, when we make it as far as an u/s, only to find a little bean who is measuring too small, and who's heart is beating too slowly. That broke my heart to hear my baby's heartbeat, knowing that this poor little child that we created was not going to live.

I just keep praying to God for strength, patience and faith to believe there is some reason that we are on this painful journey. I am just trying SO hard to believe that there is a reason for all of this. I know we are good people and that we deserve happiness. It is just so hard to figure out why all of this keeps happening.