So, how shall I put this...

Ok, so I have an appointment with my principal tomorrow to discuss my annual project that I have to do. Since getting appointments with principals can sometimes be like getting in to see the Wizard, I figured I would roll the conversation right into my upcoming IVF.

So I am in need of some good segues...

How about:

1.  Yes, the new reading comprehension strategies we have been using have been quite successful.  Unfortunately the baby- making strategies MH and I are using are not.  I'll need some time off for IVF #2.

2.  Yes, the project is coming along nicely.  So, about my uterus.  

3.  Yes, some kids are still failing.  Apparently, my ovaries are too.

Do you have any to suggest?

Seriously, I am torn between horror in the fact that I have to even discuss this with him, and a sense of  can we PLEASE just get this incredibly AWKWARD conversation over with.

I really have no idea what I plan to say.

UGH.

Any advice?

hmmmm...

I had hoped I would be more interesting today, but apparently I am not.

On a different note, I jinxed myself the other day by saying that I never get colds.

Guess what I have? 

Weekend Update...

I don't really have too much to report.  Waiting on AF so I can start my BCPs for IVF #2.  

I think I am feeling better about my SIL pregnancy situation.  Well, to be honest, it was such a crazy week at work that I did not have too much time to think. This was a good thing.  

Wasn't so great about going to the gym this week, but I did go today and will go tomorrow. 

On a positive note, I have a GTG with some of my local infertile Myrtles tomorrow, so that should be fun.

This post is really boring and pointless.  I am sorry if you read all the way through.  There is about  a minute of your life you won't get back.

I hope I am more interesting tomorrow.

A flood of emotions

Where to even begin.  I have been a bad blogger, it has been a week since I last sat here to write.  

In that time, the pregnancy announcement I have dreaded, has happened. My brother and SIL are pregnant.  They were just married in August, she is mean sometimes, and they are both overweight and smoke like chimneys. 

There, I got all of the bitchiness out.

Now, for the deeper emotions.  Actually, I wonder how deep they really are when all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and scream, "WHY them and not us?!" I don't get it.  We have been trying to have a baby since before they even knew each other.  That just plain sucks.  This announcement has simply rocked my world.  I am not much of a crier, but I have been weeping for two days now.  

Are you ready for the most horrible confession?  Please do not lose all respect for me.  But for 2 years I have been praying to my mother to watch over us and help us.  I thought for sure she would be the angel on my side.  I simply cannot believe it is my brother that gets her blessing;  Who gets to conceive with such ease.  And, with  a woman who always finds a way to make insensitive comments about having children even though she knows of our struggles.  She did this on Christmas .  Oh how smug she was because she knew they were pregnant!

I just don't understand why this keeps happening.  I "know" so many brave, strong women who have to struggle so much, yet for so many, getting pregnant is so easy. When will it be our time?

I guess I can avoid my brother for a little while, but since both of my parents are dead, my brothers are the only family that I have.  And, this is my future niece or nephew.  I feel like I am going to Hell for being so awful about this.  But I simply cannot help it.  I just don't have it in me to fake enthusiasm anymore.  Almost 3 years of this shit has beat it out of me.  

So, somehow I have to get myself right emotionally as I will begin BCPs for IVF #2 when AF arrives.  Yes, IVF #2.  And they get to just decide to have one and viola!

Areyoufuckingkiddingme?

Time heals all wounds; time wounds all heals

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death.  Two years ago tonight, around this time actually, my brothers and I were gathered around my mom's bed waiting for her to die.  Her last week on this earth was so very awful.  That is the part that I will never understand.  My mom was the best person I ever met; my best friend.  I will never get why she had to suffer so.  I don't let myself think of that night too often, it just hurts too much.  I am allowing myself tonight I suppose, then I will store that memory on the shelf until January 12th of next year.  Sometimes the sense of loss and the amount that  I miss her almost takes my breath away. 

But, since my mom was not a wallowing type of gal, I decided, in her honor, to skip the cemetery, skip lighting a candle at church and I did something else.  I got a massage. It was heavenly, so that must count for something.  I would imagine she approves. Now, If I cap the night off with a rum and coke, she will be doing the Irish Jig up there.  

There are some new developments on IVF #2, but that can wait.  Tonight's for you, Ma.  Slainte!

Resolution Rockstar....

I am going to be a total AW here for a few minutes, which I suppose is okay since this is my blog.  

As we are rounding the corner on three years trying to conceive, many of my resolutions this year are pretty specific to this cause.  But, some changes are for the good of my mental health, which I sometimes wonder about since we are rounding the corner on three years TTC.

I have to admit, I am pretty proud of myself.

1.  Caffeine. Tomorrow will be one week caffeine-free.  In all seriousness, this was one of the hardest things to do- which is why I never gave it up completely for any of my other cycles.  I cut back, did half and half, but I never cut it out.  This is going to be my one big "something different" for my next IVF cycle. I sure hope it works, as the past week spent de-toxing was not pleasant for myself and those around me. 

2.  Better diet. For the most part, I have been good all week.  I am trying to limit my carbs and just be more healthy in general.  My real commitment here is to no more comfort eating.  If I am feeling sad, bitter, (insert any of the emotions that IF makes you feel here) I am hitting the gym.

3.  The gym. I only made it there 2 days this week.  BUT, I am not beating myself up over this.  The caffeine thing kicked my ass.... being on a treadmill with a lack of caffeine induced migraine was not going to help anything.  I went yesterday and today, so I am starting the coming week right.  

4.  Coming out of my cocoon.  This past year, I have not wanted to see, be around, or talk to anyone.  I have wrapped my misery around me like a comfy blanket and settled in to  stew and lament the fact that I ( no matter how hard both I and science try) am without child.  I think I have seen more of my friends in the past week and a half then I did in the past 5 months.  Pretty sad.  Really sad, actually.  Yesterday, R and I went to the movies and had a great lunch out.  These are the things I need to be doing on a whim since we don't have kids.  I need to remember that.

5.  Blogging.  I have been pretty faithful and this is really helpful.  I am not sure who is reading, but getting it out certainly helps. 

So, I am off to get some work done so I have time for #6, which is to read more!

Be careful what you wish for...

Well, all of my hoping, praying and snow dancing paid off, we had a snow day today.  I suppose an ice day might be a more appropriate name!  

    I was initially thrilled to get my 5:15 call, telling me that I had the day free.  Somewhere between the call and 10:00, things changed.  My husband's district only delayed, so he had to go in, which meant I was left to my own devices all day.  Normally, I cherish the times when I have our very tiny home all to myself, but today the aloneness left me feeling, well, alone.  

    I could not shake the melancholy feeling I had all day.  More irksome is the fact that I could not pinpoint where it was coming from.  Well, I have my suspicions, but admitting it means I am not doing as well as I thought.  

  Next week, Monday to be exact, will mark the 2 year "anniversary" of my mom's passing.  For about a half a year after, I was just numb.  Then I was just an angry, inconsolable mess. Now, unless you were my husband, you probably wouldn't have known that, as I am a master of disguise, but there was an inescapable hole in my world that left me reeling.   This last year though, I have been handling things really well.  The holidays were actually fine this year; it just seemed that things were different, better.  Today just sort of snuck up on me. 

I hate when that happens.

I've got nothing...

Well, it is day 2 with no caffeine and I am here ( and made it past 7:30 which was my bedtime last night), so I suppose this is progress!  

I am desperately hoping for a snow day tomorrow, or at least a delay. I am so greedy, we just got back from break.  

On a different note, I have a friend who received some bad news today.  If you can spare a few thoughts and prayers for her, it would be much appreciated.  

When the withdrawal symptoms subside, or at least the headache, I will post something more substantial.

I am off to do the "Snow Dance"!

Brevity is the soul of wit...

IHO of good old Billy Shakespeare, I will make tonight's post short and sweet.  I must also add that there will most likely  be no wit.

So, today was the first day back.  And, no it was not nearly as difficult as I imagined it from 11:30 until 3:00 this morning.  Yes, that is correct, I got NO sleep last night.  So that coupled with my first day of no caffeine, means I am flat out exhausted.   The caffeine part was rough, I am not going to lie.  Apparently, I am an addict.  This is going to be rougher than I imagined.  Sigh, hopefully this is all for a good cause.

Tomorrow is another day.  Hopefully I can muster the energy to be a bit more profound.

Anticipation...

So, after 12 glorious days off, I must go back to school tomorrow.  I woke up with that familiar pit in my stomach this morning , anticipating the end of vacation.  It is not that I don't like my job, I love it actually, it is just sometimes when you have been away from something for awhile, the return is often fraught with mixed emotions.  I do take comfort in the fact that the anticipation is usually more difficult than the event itself. 

    I wish that this was all that was on my mind.  You see, AF showed today.  While this is never fun ( and yes, there was a small part of me that deluded myself into thinking that since I paid no attention to my cycle,  I would miraculously get pregnant), I now need to make a decision as to when I am going to cycle again.  Now that AF is here, I have a better idea of what my time-frame would be like, so I have to weigh my options ( considering some work events) in terms of cycling in Feb v. March.  Here comes that familiar pit.  This break has been good for me, but returning is hard. 

     I also need to talk to my principal, as this will be my first time doing a fresh IVF during the school year.  He is a great guy, but this is a conversation that I never thought I would have with my male boss and quite frankly, I am feeling a little resentful that I even have to have it. 

     So, tonight anticipation is getting the better of me.  But the anticipation is usually more difficult than the actual events, right?

A different kind of WTF appointment...

     As we will be cycling in March, I am really trying to take the time to get myself uber healthy.  Not that I am un-healthy, per-se, but I just want to change things up before this next IVF.  Call me superstitious, but I want to do things differently; you know, shed a few pounds, go to the gym, try wheatgrass, *gasp* cut out ALL coffee.

    So in the spirit of change, I made an appointment with an old friend in which I have often had a love-hate relationship:  My scale.  

I disrobed, took a deep breath, and stepped on. 

And, well, WTF, indeed!!!!

 

In the time we have been married ( a little over 3 years), I have put on 25 pounds.  25!!!!!

That is insane.  That is what people gain when they ARE pregnant, not trying to get pregnant!

This was a wake-up call.  I have known that I put on weight; many of my older clothes do not fit.  But this is just sad.  

Just like when I leave my real WTF appointments, I refuse to feel defeated.  I feel nothing but utter resolve to make this work.  

Keepin' up the resolutions!

  Here I am again- day 2 of blogging!  This is a good year for resolutions so far.  I got up and went to the gym today AND I am writing an entry!

So... in the world Un-related to IF, we have the mother of all renovations currently going on in our ONE bathroom.  This is day 2 of which I have no shower in my BR ( I am not that gross... I did go to MIL's to shower.)  Now, this started as a "let's tile the bathroom" project.  It then became a lets get  a new tub project ( I am sure you can see where this is going...)

All I know is in an effort to get this new tub in, 3 of the 4 walls in my bathroom, my sink and my vanity are no longer there.  Thank goodness my husband and his uncle are patient people as they are doing this themselves.  This has been a bit difficult though since I was blessed with a bladder the size of a pea.  Did I mention we only have ONE bathroom?...

   I suppose I owe you a little background info.  Currently we are in a holding pattern waiting to cycle again for IVF #2.  I have to wait to get back to work after break to work out some scheduling issues.  I really want to cycle in February, but it looks like it most likely going to be March.  The rest of our history is as follows:

• 2 rounds of clomid with OB- BFN
  
• 2 Clomid IUI with RE- BFN
  
• 1 Follistim IUI- BFN
  
• IVF #1:   14 eggs retrieved,  9 fertilized normally.  We transferred 2 on a  5 day transfer and froze 7.   This resulted in a C/P in which it took a month ( and about 15 trips to the RE for blood work) for my beta to go back to zero.
  
• FET#1:  Lost ALL but 2 embryos in the thaw. This was devastating- far more than the ensuing BFN.

So, for now, I am going to take this time to go to the gym, start taking wheatgrass pills, and give up coffee.  Yes, this is new year's resolution #3- no more coffee.  I many not need IVF #2 as this resolution could quite possibly kill me or cause a divorce.  We shall see....

     

     

    

Happy 2009!

So, one of my resolutions this year is to get this blog up and running.  After many false starts, I am committed to doing this.  I have notebooks I have filled with journal entries about our IF journey.  After reading what so many other women were willing to share about their experiences, I realized I was being somewhat selfish not sharing mine.  If this can help one person the way so many others have helped me, I'll be happy.

    So, in the effort to just dip my toe in, I will write another post later that chronicles the journey thus far.

Happy New Year to all!