In that time, the pregnancy announcement I have dreaded, has happened. My brother and SIL are pregnant. They were just married in August, she is mean sometimes, and they are both overweight and smoke like chimneys.
There, I got all of the bitchiness out.
Now, for the deeper emotions. Actually, I wonder how deep they really are when all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and scream, "WHY them and not us?!" I don't get it. We have been trying to have a baby since before they even knew each other. That just plain sucks. This announcement has simply rocked my world. I am not much of a crier, but I have been weeping for two days now.
Are you ready for the most horrible confession? Please do not lose all respect for me. But for 2 years I have been praying to my mother to watch over us and help us. I thought for sure she would be the angel on my side. I simply cannot believe it is my brother that gets her blessing; Who gets to conceive with such ease. And, with a woman who always finds a way to make insensitive comments about having children even though she knows of our struggles. She did this on Christmas . Oh how smug she was because she knew they were pregnant!
I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I "know" so many brave, strong women who have to struggle so much, yet for so many, getting pregnant is so easy. When will it be our time?
I guess I can avoid my brother for a little while, but since both of my parents are dead, my brothers are the only family that I have. And, this is my future niece or nephew. I feel like I am going to Hell for being so awful about this. But I simply cannot help it. I just don't have it in me to fake enthusiasm anymore. Almost 3 years of this shit has beat it out of me.
So, somehow I have to get myself right emotionally as I will begin BCPs for IVF #2 when AF arrives. Yes, IVF #2. And they get to just decide to have one and viola!