Monday, January 19, 2009

A flood of emotions

Where to even begin.  I have been a bad blogger, it has been a week since I last sat here to write.  
In that time, the pregnancy announcement I have dreaded, has happened. My brother and SIL are pregnant.  They were just married in August, she is mean sometimes, and they are both overweight and smoke like chimneys. 

There, I got all of the bitchiness out.

Now, for the deeper emotions.  Actually, I wonder how deep they really are when all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and scream, "WHY them and not us?!" I don't get it.  We have been trying to have a baby since before they even knew each other.  That just plain sucks.  This announcement has simply rocked my world.  I am not much of a crier, but I have been weeping for two days now.  

Are you ready for the most horrible confession?  Please do not lose all respect for me.  But for 2 years I have been praying to my mother to watch over us and help us.  I thought for sure she would be the angel on my side.  I simply cannot believe it is my brother that gets her blessing;  Who gets to conceive with such ease.  And, with  a woman who always finds a way to make insensitive comments about having children even though she knows of our struggles.  She did this on Christmas .  Oh how smug she was because she knew they were pregnant!

I just don't understand why this keeps happening.  I "know" so many brave, strong women who have to struggle so much, yet for so many, getting pregnant is so easy. When will it be our time?

I guess I can avoid my brother for a little while, but since both of my parents are dead, my brothers are the only family that I have.  And, this is my future niece or nephew.  I feel like I am going to Hell for being so awful about this.  But I simply cannot help it.  I just don't have it in me to fake enthusiasm anymore.  Almost 3 years of this shit has beat it out of me.  

So, somehow I have to get myself right emotionally as I will begin BCPs for IVF #2 when AF arrives.  Yes, IVF #2.  And they get to just decide to have one and viola!


Bluebird said...

I know I've said this before, but I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It isn't right, and it isn't fair. I so respect you for realizing you need to be in a good place to go forward with IVF - I can't imagine what a draining process that is. But I would think that you're well on your way by even acknowledging that :) ((Hugs))

Kristen said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My husband and I have experienced a similar thing with his unwed sister. It hurts so much. But you will be victorious in the end, with a beautiful child to love and cherish...and don't lose that vision, because it WILL happen for you!!! ~*~*HUGS~*~*

MJ said...

Kelly, I am so sorry you had to deal with this news. I know how that goes with people just thinking about it and they're pregnant, it's just not fair.

In no way are you bitchy for any of your thoughts, we've all been there, we've all felt that way.

Try to stay positive because this is going to be the IVF that gets you KU...I can feel it.

OH, and I'm sorry to be so cruel but your SIL sounds like a total bitch...who says those insensitive things knowing what you're going through and that she's pg.


kim said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It truly is not fair, and I will never understand why some things happen the way they do. What I do know, though, is that you are going to be a fantastic mom. I can't wait to see your BFP announcement!